Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Do You Speak Your Partner’s Love Language?

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couples therapy in manchesterThe last article I wrote discussed the phrase the saying “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and how it’s something I hear a fair bit whilst couples counselling. I talked about how it’s a pretty normal feeling and not an indication that you should chuck your current partner and go find a new one. In this article I am going to discuss one way of creating a more conscious relationship with your partner so you can realise deep love.

Speaking each others love language

One way I show my partner I love and care for her is by cooking. For me, the act of taking care of her in this way is one way of saying “I love you”. But there’s a problem with this. I see the plate of food as an overture of my affection and she sees lasagne. I’m not speaking her love language. We all have love buttons that when pressed give us that feeling of being loved. It’s important for us to tell our partner what they are.

There is a small hurdle to get over but it’s easily crossed. This hurdle takes the form of “I shouldn’t need to tell you how to show love to me, if you loved me you would know”. Now I’m pretty sure that there are very few people on this planet that have the ability to mind read. Why would we expect our partners to know every way in which we feel loved? It goes back to that old chestnut of asking for what you want, a skill so simple and so under used it’s almost criminal! Just because your partner can’t guess your love language it doesn’t mean they love you any less, it just means they’re human.

So sit down with your partner and have a discussion about what you both need to feel loved. It may be simple things like a cup of tea, a bunch of flowers now and again or a foot rub. Maybe it will involve events like weekends away or meals out. It could even be a hug when you first meet up after a busy day or a text here and there describing your loving feelings towards your partner.

By carrying out these behaviours in a conscious way, you and your partner will be pressing each others love buttons. The connection between you will deepen and grow resulting in that “in love” feeling returning in a more secure, contented way.

Give it a go and come back to this article and comment. What did you do and did it work?

“I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” Explained

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I love you but im not in love with you“I love you but I’m not in love with you” is a common phrase that I hear from couples contemplating coming into couples counselling with me. It’s a phrase that I hear so often I feel compelled to write a post about it. The aim of this post is to shed some light on what this phrase probably means and to help you to understand how this is normal. I will also give some suggestions on what you can do about these feelings within your relationship.

Let’s break down the phrase a little. “I love you” indicates that you have strong feelings and feel close and at home in your partners company. It sounds as if there is real potential within the relationship if only you knew how to free the energy from the stuck place it seems trapped in. The second part of the phrase “but I’m not in love with you” initially suggests that there is something wrong with the relationship and the love that you have for your partner is not enough. I disagree. I would like to translate this phrase for you as I see it.

The phrase to me indicates that the initial phase of the relationship has come to an end. In Imago Relationship therapy terms we call this the romantic phase. This is where you meet your partner and think that they are the most wonderful person on the entire planet! It’s characterised by the following key features:

Familiarity and timelessness:

You meet your partner and it’s as if you have known them forever! “Haven’t we met before?” you may ask. The answer in many ways to this question is yes, and no! You may not have met this individual before but you will most probably be very familiar with lots of their traits and characteristics because this person will fit with your imago. Your imago is the image of the person you need to be with to resolve your unmet childhood needs. It will be constructed from the good parts, and the bad parts of your parents, caregivers and significant people as you grew up. Yup, you fancy your Mum and Dad and with good reason (shudder at the thought)!!

Completion:

With your new partner you feel complete. They are your true “other half”. Again, this is kind of true according to Imago Relationship Therapy Theory. If you are quiet, you are likely to be attracted to someone who is a bit of a shouter, if you are a “feelings” person, you may well connect yourself up to a “thinker”. The theory states that we choose a partner that will offer us the most opportunity for growth.

Necessity:

This is the feeling that if your partner were to leave or be beamed up by aliens that happened to be passing by, you would simply collapse into a pile of useless Jelly on the floor. It’s as if you suddenly cannot comprehend your partner not being there.

Love drugs

Added to these four key parts of the romantic stage of the relationship is a heady cocktail of drugs. You are literally high as a kite, stoned on love. Your brain is pumping out endorphins, dopamine and other chemicals that are triggered even if you just think about your new love. No wonder we love love, we are off our face on love drugs!

I’m sorry to say, you know what’s coming next….the crash. When you have been in the romantic phase for long enough to form a strong bond with your partner you will enter the next phase, the power struggle. The drugs cannot be pumped out forever (shame as it may be) and you start to notice that other side of your Imago that you are not so keen on – all of those issues that you have with your caregivers that you need to resolve.

Common responses to the power struggle

It makes sense for you to try to recapture that love that you had in the romantic phase of the relationship and so that throws up a few choices for you. You can:

Bully your partner into being the perfect individual you saw them as when you chose them – bring on the arguments;

Dump your partner and go get another one – getting to go through the romantic phase all over again (I bet you know some serial monogamists who have a series of partners but never seem to make any relationship last?)

Have an affair – research has shown that the chemical buzz from the endorphins and other love drugs is enhanced by perceived risk;

For any of the above options you may find yourself saying “I love you, I’m just not in love with you”.

A different way

All of these choices are pretty rubbish and are unlikely to get your needs met,  they are also likely to bring with them a great deal of pain and upset for you and your partner. But there is another way. Commit. Commit to your relationship and work towards deep love with your partner.  Have a conscious relationship. By doing this the childhood wounds you set out to heal with your partner can be healed. You can grow and you can enable the growth of your partner too. But how do you do this?

The “how”

I guess the easiest way is to work with an Imago Relationship Therapist to guide you in the process but I think you can do it without this help, although it may be a little harder.

It’s about talking to each other in a straight way, asking for what you want and sharing your feelings with your partner. Staying away from the four horsemen of divorce and keeping your mouth shut at times when you really want to give your other half a good dressing down. It’s about seeing your partner as another wounded individual who is also just doing their best to heal and get their needs met.

I would also recommend that you read about Imago theory.  I have a fair few posts on Imago so you can read me for free or you can buy the ultimate guide, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, the brains behind Imago Relationship Therapy.

“I love you, I’m just not in love with you” is a sign post. It says the easy stuff is over and now the more difficult and more rewarding journey has begun. The journey to deeper love.

Read the book!  I Love You But I’m Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship Click on the (affiliate) link to be taken to Amazon.

Marriage Counselling – Is It Easy?

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marriage counselling in manchesterWhen couples come to me for couples counselling they are often surprised at the relatively small amount of time we spend looking at what has gone wrong in the relationship. Sure, I will ask each partner why they have come to couples counselling and what they hope to get out of it, but unless there is an urgent need, I will not dissect and invest time in the negative aspects of their history together.

I use Imago Relationship Therapy when working with couples. Imago theory does not believe that people do stuff in their relationships just to piss their partner off! We do things for a reason. We are trying to get our needs met. We often go about doing this in completely the wrong way because we are human and we are fallible.

Part of the therapeutic process undoubtedly involves dialoging about how we have been hurt by our partner. In Imago this is done safely and calmly. Couples dialogue is used throughout all processes in Imago Relationship Therapy. This involves checking out that your partner is OK to listen to what you have to say, and then having what you say mirrored, validated and empathised with by your partner. It sounds easy and yet it can be difficult to learn and is powerful when mastered. It is also the subject of a whole separate blog post. 90% of my marriage counselling sessions are spent with the couple dialoging with each other. The focus is on ownership of feelings and connection with your partner. Yelling at each other achieves nothing and just reinforces negative patterns of behaviour so is discouraged – you probably have been doing that at home and look where it has got you.

Much time in Imago is spent learning how to do things differently. Imago teaches us to break out of the old habits and put new, more useful ones in their place. These new habits allow the relationship to grow, accentuate the positive, remove the blame and replace it with honesty and intimacy.

I’m not pretending that couples get there overnight. Many couples find couples counselling tough, and a few come a couple of times, realise the amount of effort they are going to have to put into fixing their relationship and decide to break up. I feel sad when that happens, but at least they have made a decision that they have often been putting off for months. The couples that hang in there and stick with it move through the awkward phase they experience with couples dialogue and then slowly find their relationships transforming to a whole new level. They start to see their partner as an ally, and they “get” why they both do the bad stuff in their relationship. They learn how to ask for what they want in a safe way and start to appreciate what their partner needs.

When you come see me for marriage counselling at Manchester Psychotherapy I am going to do my best to keep you together. Imago theory believes strongly in long term relationships for all couples, straight or gay, married or cohabiting. Your partner is likely to be a perfect fit, that’s why you have such an emotional connection. Imago Relationship Therapy helps shift those emotions further into the positive.

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