Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

The Space Between – Hedy Schleifer

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the space between - couples counselling in manchesterToday’s post is a simple video that I found completely inspiring and sums up many of the Imago Relationship Therapy philosophies beautifully.  Hedy Schleifer, along with her husband Yumi, are two of the worlds top relationship therapists.  They have a background in Imago Relationship Therapy and also incorporate other modalities into their thinking about relationships.  This video shows Hedy’s address to the TEDtalk in Tel Aviv, it’s 19 minutes long and well worth a watch.

I love the quote she uses

“Beyond right thinking and wrong think there is a field, I’ll meet you there”

Rumi

If we can see through all the crap that we go through with our partners and see the person opposite then this is a strong foundation to build connection from.

If you want to read more about Hedy and Yumi then I recommend you check out their website which you can find here.

Please watch the video and tell me what you feel about it in the comments section below – I would love to have your ideas and get a discussion about what makes relationships work.

Imago Relationship Therapy – Make An Appointment

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make and appointment with your partner to discuss frustrationsWhen using Imago dialogue the first stage in the process is to make an appointment with your partner.

Why would you possibly need to do this? They are stood right in front of you ready to hear your wise ruminations aren’t they? Well, yes, and no! Has your partner ever launched into a frustration with you when you are just not in the mood? I know mine has! What I used to do is either half listen (equivalent of pouring petrol on an open fire) or argue back pretty quickly – kaboom!

The first option just reinforced the story my partner made up about me not listening and paying attention to her properly, and that made sense to me because I sometimes would not be fully focused on what she had to say if I was not in the mood to listen. The second option took us to disconnection and upset.

In the Imago process if you have something to say then you check that your partner is available and willing to listen to you. Really listen. Hopefully, because they will be used to the process and feel safe, they will be ok to hear what’s on your mind, be it good or bad. If they are not in the right place they can let you know and negotiate a time when they are in the right place to hear you. The aim is to hear the frustration as soon as possible, so if the frustration cannot be heard straight away we are ideally talking hours rather than reaching for your diary!

The frustration request should be clear and have no criticism attached to it, such as;

“I have a frustration I want to talk about with you, are you available to listen?”

At first this process can feel a bit scary as it’s so different to what you have probably done before.  As you get used to doing this as a couple then it’s likely to lead to a much better relationship as you get to trust that you will be heard and you can temporarily “shelve” your concern.

If you want to read more about Imago Relationship Therapy my advice is to read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, the founder of the Imago system.

Is Your Partner A God?

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Do you treat your partner like they are a god?  Most people think they are very far from this but it’s amazing how we give our partners supernatural powers and god like talents.  Here’s an example from my own life – the other day, after dealing with stresses and strains of normal life I felt like having a bit of pampering from my partner.  I needed a hug and a bit of looking after.  Did it happen? Nope!  Did I feel angry about her failing to take care of me?  You bet!  The problem here was that I had made my partner into a god.  I had credited her with the god like power of omniscience – the ability to know exactly what I needed without me having to tell her.  Alas, her human form was unable to match up to my high expectations and the tension in the room began to build as she continued not to be able to read my mind!

There are lots of ways in which we believe our partners are like gods and they all lead to tension and conflict in our relationships.  In this article I am going to list the most common ways in which we do this and suggest an alternative way of treating your partner.

Omniscience, mentioned above is a very common belief in relationships and the solution is simple; ask for what you want!  If Ihad asked my partner for a hug and a cup of tea the chances of me getting them would have increased dramatically.

Omnipotence – this is the god like power of your partner being able to meet all of your needs and “make” you feel happy.  Er – it’s not going to happen.  You are in charge of your feelings and no one can “make” you feel anything.  It’s likely that your partner may be resistant to meeting some of your needs too.  Your needs are probably your partners areas for growth so giving you these things will be a challenge.  One partners need for constant companionship is beautifully balanced by their partners need for space and solitude (I see this time after time when delivering couples counselling in Manchester).  The result is often conflict.  In a conscious relationship these needs can be discussed and both partners can learn to accommodate their partners needs.

Omnipresence– this is the belief that your partner is only on this planet to be with you and has no life beyond you.  Again, prepare to be disappointed (as we often are).  It’s healthy to develop separate hobbiess and interests and different groups of friends within a relationship.  Like all things, the key is balance.  Doing things together is also important, but as the song says “If you love somebody – set them free”.

Obligation and Expectation.  This is the belief that your partner said they would look after you so they owe it to you and jolly well better deliver!  Unfortunately, however much your partner loves you, there are going to be times when they can’t or don’t want to look after you or meet your needs.  Relax – you’re an adult, you can look after yourself now.   Sit with the pain you may feel in not having all of your needs met and ask for what you want.

Fusion.  This is the belief that you and your partner want the same things.  We often beef this up a bit and believe that we know what’s best for both ourselves and our partner.  The antidote – listen with gentle ears to your partner and put yourself in their place.  Assume nothing, discuss much.  Imago Relationship Dialogue is a great way to do this.

So, there we have it – those god like powers we give to our partners and sometimes take for ourselves can only really lead to conflict, so come down from that ethereal plane and realise that we are all human and are likely to get it wrong, mess it up and we can still do this and stay in love.

What do you think?  Do you have a Zeus at home?  Is your partner more of a Buddha?  Please comment on your god like ideas below!