Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Marriage counselling and Morrissey

By

The Smiths The Queen is DeadThis post is about what one of the most fiercely single men in music can teach us about being in a couple.  If you wanted couples counselling, Morrissey would probably be the last person you would seek out (I’m not sure he does it any more anyway – I think he has specialised and now just sticks to depression work and sexuality issues!). So what am I going on about? Well, I guess it’s partly an excuse to write about one of my favourite artists of all time, and a way of exploring just one particular track that speaks volumes about what a relationship could aspire to.

The track I have in mind is the Smiths “There is a light and it never goes out“. This is a song never fails to move me, quite often close to tears.

This is a hauntingly beautiful song, typical of the Mossa style. Ambiguous in its writing, we are unsure whether Morrissey is writing about a man or a woman and it really doesn’t matter. The passion and emotion that it triggers within me is truly heartrending.

So what’s this got to do with couple’s therapy? For me the chorus sums up what a deep loving relationship is about:

And if a double-decker bus
crashes in to us
to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
and if a ten ton truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

(Morrissey and Marr)

Surely this is the essence of true love? Macabre I know, but how many people do you feel so deeply about that if that time should come, you would feel privileged to die next to them? We often get so lost in the day to day bickering and one-upmanship of our relationships that such long term deep love gradually gets eroded. Harville Hendrix calls this the power struggle phase of a relationship. Couples that come see me for relationship therapy are usually deeply embedded in this phase and it is putting enormous strain on both members of the couple and the relationship itself.

I see marriage counselling as an opportunity to see each other again. To accept that you are not going to change your partner, they can only change themselves if they want to. Maybe to accept your partner for who they are, not who you want them to be. As this happens then change does come. Couples are more willing to give to each other and as they give they also receive, so a positive cycle begins. The relationship shifts from a stressful battle of bickering and resentment to a more settled, calmer place where love, deep love, can happen.

Please comment on this post – let me know what tracks hit that home run in your heart. Which songs express true love to you?

Couples Counselling – 5 signs it might be time to book an appointment

By

marriage counselling dont leave it too longMany couples put off going to marriage counselling for too long. The result can be a much more difficult process and sometimes the relationship has deteriorated beyond rescue. This blog post looks at when we know it’s time to go and why it’s important not to leave it too long.

The average time it takes a couple to come to seek therapy when they know their relationship is in trouble is 6 years. Contrast this with the 30 minutes it takes people to respond to chest pains or the 30 days it takes women to make a doctor’s appointment when they feel a lump in their breast (Gottman, 1997).

Now, I get that a heart attack isn’t exactly comparable to relationship difficulties, but I think it’s important to remember a couple of things. Firstly, unhappy relationships create a great deal of stress and misery for all of the people surrounding the relationship (including any children who have to live with arguments and bad feeling). Stress has a direct link to our physical health. It lowers our immune response leaving us open to coughs, colds and other infections and it is shown to increase the chances of serious medical situations like heart attacks. Secondly, you can imagine how difficult it is going to be to undo six years’ worth of conflict. It’s not hopeless, couples counselling can have a very positive effect on any relationship if both partners get stuck in, but, well I’m sure you are getting my point here!

So what signs can you look out for that may indicate that you may need help?

  1. Communication breaks down. You seem to be having the same old arguments again and again and are not resolving anything.
  2. The bond of trust seems to have eroded. This could be as a result of jealousy from one partner or a suspected affair.
  3. One or both partners are continually becoming ill or depressed. This may be an indication that the loving support that is expected to exist in a relationship has gone.
  4. Sex is no fun or has stopped. Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship. It allows partners to bond and feel close to each other. If that has gone the relationship may be at risk.
  5. Violence within the relationship. This could be from either partner and is very serious. Always treat your personal safety as a priority.

If one or more of the issues above are present in your relationship then it might be time to ring a couples counsellor and sort the problem out. Don’t wait until you have a dead marriage or struggling relationship, grab the bull by the horns and tackle the problem together early before it gets too big.

If you wish to make an appointment with me, ring 07966 390857.

Gottman, J. (1997). A scientifically based marital therapy: A 12 hour video course with extensive notes and handouts. Seattle, WA: Seattle Marriage and Family Institute.

Why We Choose Our Romantic Partner: The Imago

By

I’m pleased to introduce you to today’s guest blogger, Dr. Adam Sheck. Dr. Sheck is a Clinical Psychologist and Couples Counselor in Los Angeles trained in Imago Relationship Therapy. He blogs about relationships at his Passion 101 Blogsite.

Imago therapy manchesterWhat is the “Imago” and what does it have to do with how and why we choose our partner?  As a psychologist and couples therapist, I’m often asked what my view is on what brings couples together, on what that attraction is, and what it is about.  Here is my answer, and it lies within the concept of the Imago which I’ll explain shortly.  Warning: if you’re looking for an answer that is about soulmates or karma or fate or beshert, you’ll be disappointed.  My answer is based upon psychological principles.

You know that old cliché that we marry our mother or we marry our father? Well, from a psychological perspective, there is certainly a great deal of truth to that.  I’m trained and certified in Imago Relationship Therapy, which is a really powerful and successful form of couples therapy.

In this theory, we speak about the Imago which is Latin for image.  Deep inside our unconscious, we hold this image of our “perfect” partner.  This image, the Imago has all of the sights and sounds and smells and feelings we gathered while we were growing up.  And guess what, our model for that is very strongly based upon our primary caregivers, usually our parents and sometimes also our extended family.  The Imago is also based upon our neighbors and the books and newspapers and magazines we read and the television and movies we watched.  And these days, of course, it’s also based upon the ubiquitous Internet.

And we take all of those images record and store them with our own unique logic, which is based upon some combination of our genetics and our upbringing and our developing personality.  The kicker here though, is that the unconscious image we have created as the Imago not only includes the good qualities we witnessed, but also the negative traits of our caregivers.  As children, we’re like sponges and we absorb it all.  And so, when we meet someone that is close enough to this Imago, this internalized blueprint, our radar goes up.  And if they have enough of those qualities or we believe that they have enough of those qualities, we fall “in love” and enter that first stage of relationship, the romantic stage, the honeymoon stage.

The honeymoon stage is easy though, as we focus upon the positive qualities of the Imago.  The challenge in most relationships though, is when the honeymoon stage “wears off” and we’re left with this person who has many of the negative traits of our primary caregivers!  That’s where an experienced couples counselor or relationship coach can be of support.  I’ll talk more about the Three Stages of Relationship and how to successfully navigate them in another post.  For now, just mull over the concept of the Imago and see how it applies to your current relationship or past ones if you’re single right now.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

To reward your loyalty to Ian, I’d like to gift you with my Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” which you can download at www.freepassiontips.com