This post is about what one of the most fiercely single men in music can teach us about being in a couple. If you wanted couples counselling, Morrissey would probably be the last person you would seek out (I’m not sure he does it any more anyway – I think he has specialised and now just sticks to depression work and sexuality issues!). So what am I going on about? Well, I guess it’s partly an excuse to write about one of my favourite artists of all time, and a way of exploring just one particular track that speaks volumes about what a relationship could aspire to.
The track I have in mind is the Smiths “There is a light and it never goes out“. This is a song never fails to move me, quite often close to tears.
This is a hauntingly beautiful song, typical of the Mossa style. Ambiguous in its writing, we are unsure whether Morrissey is writing about a man or a woman and it really doesn’t matter. The passion and emotion that it triggers within me is truly heartrending.
So what’s this got to do with couple’s therapy? For me the chorus sums up what a deep loving relationship is about:
And if a double-decker bus
crashes in to us
to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
and if a ten ton truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well the pleasure, the privilege is mine(Morrissey and Marr)
Surely this is the essence of true love? Macabre I know, but how many people do you feel so deeply about that if that time should come, you would feel privileged to die next to them? We often get so lost in the day to day bickering and one-upmanship of our relationships that such long term deep love gradually gets eroded. Harville Hendrix calls this the power struggle phase of a relationship. Couples that come see me for relationship therapy are usually deeply embedded in this phase and it is putting enormous strain on both members of the couple and the relationship itself.
I see marriage counselling as an opportunity to see each other again. To accept that you are not going to change your partner, they can only change themselves if they want to. Maybe to accept your partner for who they are, not who you want them to be. As this happens then change does come. Couples are more willing to give to each other and as they give they also receive, so a positive cycle begins. The relationship shifts from a stressful battle of bickering and resentment to a more settled, calmer place where love, deep love, can happen.
Please comment on this post – let me know what tracks hit that home run in your heart. Which songs express true love to you?
Really liked this post. For me personally music is so important, it can take me right back to how I first felt about a person or key times and places in my life. Hugely influential!
I think there are some truly great songwriters and if anything they should fall under the umbrella of modern day poets. One song that has always expressed true love to me (unfortunately the music is not the greatest but lyrically, in my opinion, beautiful) is ‘True Spirit’ by Carleen Anderson. It might be a bit overly romantic, nothing like your Morrissey quote, but the sentiment amazes me. I will abbreviate and quote an essence:
He came in from the cold
Wanting some warmth to hold
I offered him my hand
We journeyed mystic lands
I travelled for miles through his eyes
He charged me no fare
Fed me with so much life
Encouraged me to dare
He loves me like I be
Makes no demands on me
Respects the strengths I wear
He aims to mend not tear
My flame of hope survives
He wills my dreams alive
In finding time to make
My inner wonders wake
No other man has captured my true spirit
As I though my lyrics he could hear it
Such a force was frightening
He did not fear it
Brave enough to share a true spirit
(Anderson and Green)
Thank you for letting me share 🙂
Thanks for the comment Jo! You have chosen some beautiful lyrics. The sentiment behind them is about giving without expecting to receive. This must also be a feature of deeply loving another. I like the line about mending not tearing too. A core belief of Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship therapy is that your partner is the perfect person to heal your childhood wounds, all you need to do as a couple is learn how to do this. I think that’s an amazing concept.
The line “Brave enough to share a true spirit” is also great. How many of us are brave enough to show our hearts to our partner without holding back?
Once more a big thank you for your comment which has augmented the sentiment of my post greatly,
Hope to read more from you soon,
Ian
Glad to hear of another fan of the gladioli-wielding Manchester bard (the other one being Mark E Smith)…
I agree that this Smiths track is heartrendingly beautiful in its melancholy…perhaps a counterpoint to ‘Bigmouth Strikes Again’ and ‘Girlfriend In A Coma’, with their emphasis on the dark and violent tendencies latent in people that can find their most disturbing expression in their closest relationships.
I would say one of my ‘healthy love’ favourites is Bonnie Prince Billy’s ‘May It Always Be’ from his ‘Ease Down The Road’ album, while on the dark side, how about PJ Harvey’s ‘C’mon Billy’ ranks highly for throes of desperation.
Enjoying this therapy/music crossover thread!
dh
Thanks for the great comment David! I love the old Mozza and I think Mark E Smith is greatly under rated too. I do not know of the tracks that you have suggested but I will most certainly be checking them out today – god bless you tube!
I have to agree with Jo re the importance of music and how certain songs can transport us back to a particular moment and person.
I use music as an anchor, particularly at moments when I’m feeling extremely down and I have found Sigur Ros, notably a track called Salka, can transport me to a very specific moment with my partner, and immeadiately leave me feeling calm and at peace.
http://youtu.be/PgrvhchQEHY
One of my favourite tracks is Stephen Duffy song, “Home” which resonates very much for me with relation to my partner,
When I got close enough to smell your hair
And comprehend the freedom there
It was too late to wonder why
There is home
When we speak in your arms
There is peace in my dreams
You alone
Good Friday, when you took my hand
And relieve me of command
Could you forgive me if I live
In the home?
Where we speak in your arms
Where there is peace
In my dreams, you alone
You say that you’ll never have me
You say that you want to stay free
But there is home
When we speak in your arms
There is peace in my dreams
Alone
Tom Waits’ love songs hit the spot too, *I hope that I don’t fall in love with you”, “Martha” amongst many more.
I’m afraid to say though Ian, I don’t share your enthusiasm for Morrisey, sorry :S
Jacqui
Insgthis like this liven things up around here.
Hi Ian
I’m loving reading your page today it’s very refreshing and right up my street!
One question if you don’t mind ….what if you’re at breaking point but because of a third person putting a TA spin on things turning, I e a mother in law turning a partner into a child? Can this be dealt with by the couple themselves ? Can the partner deal with it?
Thank you
Hi Ian
I’m loving reading your page today it’s very refreshing and right up my street!
One question if you don’t mind ….what if you’re at breaking point but because of a third person putting a TA spin on things turning, I e a mother in law turning a partner into a child? Can this be dealt with by the couple themselves ? Can the partner deal with it?
Thank you