Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Counsellor Or Therapist – What’s The Difference And How Do I Choose One?

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Are counsellors and therapists different and how do I choose?You will notice that on my site I mix up the terms “counselling” and “therapy”. Is there a difference? For all intents and purposes there are no differences when I use these terms and I think that is pretty common across my peers too. Counsellors and therapists do have different qualifications and have gone through different processes to get “certified” but that should not necessarily make any difference to potential clients. Research has shown that all of the different modalities are about as effective as each other and what is important is the relationship you have with your counsellor.

Counselling for Individuals

If it’s individual counselling you are looking for then you are spoilt for choice! There are at least four Transactional Analysis centres I can think of off the top of my head that are training establishments for TA psychotherapists (like me) which puts a great choice of therapists on the market. Many of the local colleges train person-centred counsellors just to add to the mix and there are other modalities out there too that you may be interested in.

Counselling for Couples

For couples counselling things become a little more limited. Many therapists shy away from couples or marriage counselling. This is because the training that we therapists and counsellors receive is almost entirely aimed at working with individuals. If you try to apply a model aimed at individuals to a couple it doesn’t work – there is one too many people!! Many counsellors are also scared at the prospect of having a couple sat in front of them who evidently don’t like each other very much and could explode into an argument at any moment! It’s easier then (and safer) for counsellors to stick with individuals only.

I am somewhat of a rarity (some say oddity!) in that I have sought specific training in Imago Relationship Therapy which is solely aimed at working with couples. I did this because I too felt under trained and wanted to do a good job with my couple’s clients. The training has helped me feel like a safe pair of hands for those that work with me. I love the ideas behind Imago Relationship Therapy and have been interested in it for many years.

Things are different in the USA. There are lots of therapists out there working solely with couples and therapists have much more access to training too. I have to travel down to London to be trained in Imago Relationship Therapy and my trainer flies in from Montreal, Canada,where she lives (this makes her arms very tired!) I guess in American culture if you have a problem with your marriage then you go out, seek help from someone qualified and get it fixed. In the UK we seem to go for the “stiff upper lip – put up and shut up” approach or just get divorced, which I feel very sad about.

How do you know who to work with?

As an individual looking for counselling or therapy I would advise you to start on the internet and check out a few websites. What is your impression of the person who has designed the site? Do they show passion and enthusiasm for their subject? Do you feel connected to them when you read their stuff? There may be more practical aspects that help you narrow things down if you have particular requirements. You may want to work with a male or female therapist – if it’s a male therapist you want then this will make things slightly more challenging as it’s a female dominated industry with about 30% of therapists being male – we are a rare breed!

For a couples counsellor or marriage counsellor I would do the same but ask what specific training your prospective therapist has had in order to train them to work with couples. A two day workshop five years ago is not going to be as useful as a year or more’s intensive training in a dedicated model aimed at couples. Again, if you want to work with a particular type of counsellor then for couples therapists it becomes even harder. I am the only person with training in Imago Relationship Therapy in Manchester. The nearest other individuals I know of are in Lancaster (a fellow trainee) and Sheffield. There are lots of Imago Therapists in London but that’s a hell of a distance to drive for a one hour therapy session!

Once you have identified someone who you think you may like to work with give them a ring and talk to them. They may have no availability or you may decide after chatting to them that they are not the person for you.

If they do have availability and you do like the sound of them then go have an initial session and see how you feel. You can walk away at any time and you are not committed to seeing any therapist for a set number of sessions.

Therapy is a personal thing and you need to feel safe whilst you are doing it. It is also life changing. There are plenty of great therapists out there, if you think that you may want to try me out then ring me on 07966 390857 or use my contact form above to get in touch.  I look forward to hearing from you 🙂

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Marriage Counselling – Is It Easy?

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marriage counselling in manchesterWhen couples come to me for couples counselling they are often surprised at the relatively small amount of time we spend looking at what has gone wrong in the relationship. Sure, I will ask each partner why they have come to couples counselling and what they hope to get out of it, but unless there is an urgent need, I will not dissect and invest time in the negative aspects of their history together.

I use Imago Relationship Therapy when working with couples. Imago theory does not believe that people do stuff in their relationships just to piss their partner off! We do things for a reason. We are trying to get our needs met. We often go about doing this in completely the wrong way because we are human and we are fallible.

Part of the therapeutic process undoubtedly involves dialoging about how we have been hurt by our partner. In Imago this is done safely and calmly. Couples dialogue is used throughout all processes in Imago Relationship Therapy. This involves checking out that your partner is OK to listen to what you have to say, and then having what you say mirrored, validated and empathised with by your partner. It sounds easy and yet it can be difficult to learn and is powerful when mastered. It is also the subject of a whole separate blog post. 90% of my marriage counselling sessions are spent with the couple dialoging with each other. The focus is on ownership of feelings and connection with your partner. Yelling at each other achieves nothing and just reinforces negative patterns of behaviour so is discouraged – you probably have been doing that at home and look where it has got you.

Much time in Imago is spent learning how to do things differently. Imago teaches us to break out of the old habits and put new, more useful ones in their place. These new habits allow the relationship to grow, accentuate the positive, remove the blame and replace it with honesty and intimacy.

I’m not pretending that couples get there overnight. Many couples find couples counselling tough, and a few come a couple of times, realise the amount of effort they are going to have to put into fixing their relationship and decide to break up. I feel sad when that happens, but at least they have made a decision that they have often been putting off for months. The couples that hang in there and stick with it move through the awkward phase they experience with couples dialogue and then slowly find their relationships transforming to a whole new level. They start to see their partner as an ally, and they “get” why they both do the bad stuff in their relationship. They learn how to ask for what they want in a safe way and start to appreciate what their partner needs.

When you come see me for marriage counselling at Manchester Psychotherapy I am going to do my best to keep you together. Imago theory believes strongly in long term relationships for all couples, straight or gay, married or cohabiting. Your partner is likely to be a perfect fit, that’s why you have such an emotional connection. Imago Relationship Therapy helps shift those emotions further into the positive.

Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why We Choose Our Romantic Partner: The Imago

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I’m pleased to introduce you to today’s guest blogger, Dr. Adam Sheck. Dr. Sheck is a Clinical Psychologist and Couples Counselor in Los Angeles trained in Imago Relationship Therapy. He blogs about relationships at his Passion 101 Blogsite.

Imago therapy manchesterWhat is the “Imago” and what does it have to do with how and why we choose our partner?  As a psychologist and couples therapist, I’m often asked what my view is on what brings couples together, on what that attraction is, and what it is about.  Here is my answer, and it lies within the concept of the Imago which I’ll explain shortly.  Warning: if you’re looking for an answer that is about soulmates or karma or fate or beshert, you’ll be disappointed.  My answer is based upon psychological principles.

You know that old cliché that we marry our mother or we marry our father? Well, from a psychological perspective, there is certainly a great deal of truth to that.  I’m trained and certified in Imago Relationship Therapy, which is a really powerful and successful form of couples therapy.

In this theory, we speak about the Imago which is Latin for image.  Deep inside our unconscious, we hold this image of our “perfect” partner.  This image, the Imago has all of the sights and sounds and smells and feelings we gathered while we were growing up.  And guess what, our model for that is very strongly based upon our primary caregivers, usually our parents and sometimes also our extended family.  The Imago is also based upon our neighbors and the books and newspapers and magazines we read and the television and movies we watched.  And these days, of course, it’s also based upon the ubiquitous Internet.

And we take all of those images record and store them with our own unique logic, which is based upon some combination of our genetics and our upbringing and our developing personality.  The kicker here though, is that the unconscious image we have created as the Imago not only includes the good qualities we witnessed, but also the negative traits of our caregivers.  As children, we’re like sponges and we absorb it all.  And so, when we meet someone that is close enough to this Imago, this internalized blueprint, our radar goes up.  And if they have enough of those qualities or we believe that they have enough of those qualities, we fall “in love” and enter that first stage of relationship, the romantic stage, the honeymoon stage.

The honeymoon stage is easy though, as we focus upon the positive qualities of the Imago.  The challenge in most relationships though, is when the honeymoon stage “wears off” and we’re left with this person who has many of the negative traits of our primary caregivers!  That’s where an experienced couples counselor or relationship coach can be of support.  I’ll talk more about the Three Stages of Relationship and how to successfully navigate them in another post.  For now, just mull over the concept of the Imago and see how it applies to your current relationship or past ones if you’re single right now.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

To reward your loyalty to Ian, I’d like to gift you with my Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” which you can download at www.freepassiontips.com