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Are There Lizards In Your Relationship?

14/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

Your Brain and Your RelationshipWhen workign with couples I use Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago places a great emphasis on safety. An Imago couples counsellor will work hard at keeping both partners safe and ensure that they keep each other safe as they are talking. This post looks at why it’s important to feel safe in our relationships and how this allows growth for both partners.

Let’s start at the beginning, and I mean the very beginning for us humans. We are going to talk about the human evolutionary journey. There is now plenty of evidence to suggest that our brains formed in three stages;

  • First our lizard brain formed (the brain stem) – we were pretty basic creatures at this stage so needed tactics to stay alive. When under threat this part of our brain tells us to fight, run away, freeze (think rabbit in headlight) or submit.
  • Next came our mammalian brain (the limbic system) – this allowed us to have emotions, become social animals and form relationships (think wolves in packs).
  • Finally our logical brain (the cerebral cortex) – this is our thinking part, the only animal with a bigger cerebral cortex than humans is the dolphin (so don’t play chess with them ‘cos they will beat you). This is our speech, writing, maths, time and logical process centre. It’s the part of the brain that allows us to make decisions and veto those biological urges we have that may not be useful for us, e.g playing dead when sitting examinations has never been a great strategy if we want to progress up the education ladder!

I guess you can see where this post is now heading! When we apply this model to our relationships it becomes obvious that shouting at our partner is not going to get us what we want. If they get scared then old lizard brain kicks in and you may as well be talking to a gecko! Their brains are not going to have the capacity to think things through and they are just going to be focusing on survival. Logic and mammalian brain are switched off and they get ready to run away, do nothing, attack back or just agree with everything you say in an attempt to shut you up. Been there? I know I have!

Everyday strategies to avoid lizarding your loved one!

Many of these techniques are naturally built into Imago Relationship Therapy, but you don’t need to be working with a therapist to do them. Try the following:

  • Book an appointment with your partner when you want to talk about something important to you. It may be that they are ready to listen to you right there and then. If not, agree a time when both of you are in the right frame of mind to discuss the issue.
  • Avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness when talking to your partner. Once you introduce any of these bad boys into the conversation you are going to be talking to a lizard faster than you can say “Godzilla”! Check out my post on these four relationship wreckers here.
  • Stick with “I” statements. Talking about yourself rather than your partner is much less confrontational and will keep your partner safe.
  • Have a soft start up. Ease your way into the discussion rather than hitting your partner full in the face with your demands! “I realise you are working really hard to bring money in for the family and I miss you when you aren’t around at dinner time” feels very different to “you are always bloody late for dinner you selfish pig”! John Gottman found that he could predict the outcome of an argument from the first sentence very accurately. Soft startups allowed discussion to happen (lizard free), whilst harsh startups pretty much always rapidly descended into arguments where both partners felt hugely wronged.
  • Repair as you go along. Once more, Gottman found that couples adept in the art of repairing whilst arguing stayed together. It was one of the most common skills found in couples that had been happily married long term. A repair attempt might be something like “yeah – I could see how you would think that, I was pretty grouchy yesterday” or “I know you are stressed at work at the moment and you don’t mean to snap at me”. It’s basically putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and validating their point of view.

If you can do a few of the suggestions above you are well on the way to a lizard free relationship. You’re not going to get it right all the time, no one does, but these techniques can make a significant difference to the feel of the relationship and make it a safer place to be. With safety comes the potential for change and growth for you both.

Filed Under: Couples Counselling Tagged With: closeness, couples counselling, couples therapy, criticism, Imago Relationship Therapy, imago therapy, interpersonal relationships, marriage, marriage guidance, relationship advice, relationship counseling, relationship counselling, relationship therapy

Tips On Dealing With Anxiety

12/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

www.studio10salonsuites.comtips on dealing with anxietyTomorrow never comes, yet we wait until tomorrow for happiness, fulfillment, intimacy and closeness.  How many times have you said something like “when my anxiety reduces a bit I’ll make more effort with my partner” or “when I feel less stressed I’ll stop smoking/drinking/shouting” (insert as appropriate)?  But tomorrow never comes.  The problem with “when” statements is that they usually tie up your goal so tightly that you never reach it, a bit like one of those big balls of sticky tape that are impossible to unwrap.

The truth is that you can have feelings and take action that has value in your life and moves you closer to your goal.  You can feel anxious and make effort with your partner and you can feel stressed and live a cigarette free life.

Now here’s the rub, this may well generate anxious thoughts for you (I guess you could see that one coming!).  Anxious thoughts are OK if we recognise them for what they are, just thoughts.  They are not truths and they are not us.  Thoughts tend to come and go.  They are a bit like the annoying pigeons that hang out around my flat.  I can watch them come and go and mostly they don’t bother me.  Sometimes they will try to climb into my windows and sometimes they wake me up at 5am making an almighty dinn, but they are essentially harmless.  I can choose to let them bother me, shake my fists when they stare at me through the windows, or I can simply acknowledge their existence and carry on with whatever I’m doing.  The defusion technique I previously blogged about is a great way to do this distancing with your thoughts (read that post here).  The benefit of this way of living is that you get to do things that move you towards your goal and learn to make room for your feelings.  After you’ve done this a few times you get better at it.  As you get better at it you start to feel more contented with life and need to do it less.  It’s kind of like accepting your anxiety, stress, sadness or anger allows it to move somehow and slowly ebb away.

So this is a call to action.  Decide what you want out of life and plan how you are going to get it.  Then look at all of the anxious, scary, angry or downright irrational thoughts your mind is churning up, thank your mind for trying to protect you, and get stuck in with achieving them!

I help people who suffer from anxiety in my counselling practice in Manchester.  Ring 07966 390857 for an appointment.

Filed Under: Self Help Techniques Tagged With: clinical psychology, closeness, dealing with anxiety, emotions, human development, psychology, stress, symptoms

Do You Speak Your Partner’s Love Language?

27/01/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

couples therapy in manchesterThe last article I wrote discussed the phrase the saying “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and how it’s something I hear a fair bit whilst couples counselling. I talked about how it’s a pretty normal feeling and not an indication that you should chuck your current partner and go find a new one. In this article I am going to discuss one way of creating a more conscious relationship with your partner so you can realise deep love.

Speaking each others love language

One way I show my partner I love and care for her is by cooking. For me, the act of taking care of her in this way is one way of saying “I love you”. But there’s a problem with this. I see the plate of food as an overture of my affection and she sees lasagne. I’m not speaking her love language. We all have love buttons that when pressed give us that feeling of being loved. It’s important for us to tell our partner what they are.

There is a small hurdle to get over but it’s easily crossed. This hurdle takes the form of “I shouldn’t need to tell you how to show love to me, if you loved me you would know”. Now I’m pretty sure that there are very few people on this planet that have the ability to mind read. Why would we expect our partners to know every way in which we feel loved? It goes back to that old chestnut of asking for what you want, a skill so simple and so under used it’s almost criminal! Just because your partner can’t guess your love language it doesn’t mean they love you any less, it just means they’re human.

So sit down with your partner and have a discussion about what you both need to feel loved. It may be simple things like a cup of tea, a bunch of flowers now and again or a foot rub. Maybe it will involve events like weekends away or meals out. It could even be a hug when you first meet up after a busy day or a text here and there describing your loving feelings towards your partner.

By carrying out these behaviours in a conscious way, you and your partner will be pressing each others love buttons. The connection between you will deepen and grow resulting in that “in love” feeling returning in a more secure, contented way.

Give it a go and come back to this article and comment. What did you do and did it work?

Filed Under: Couples Counselling Tagged With: closeness, interpersonal relationships, marriage counselling, relationship counseling

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