Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Imago Relationship Therapy – Make An Appointment

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make and appointment with your partner to discuss frustrationsWhen using Imago dialogue the first stage in the process is to make an appointment with your partner.

Why would you possibly need to do this? They are stood right in front of you ready to hear your wise ruminations aren’t they? Well, yes, and no! Has your partner ever launched into a frustration with you when you are just not in the mood? I know mine has! What I used to do is either half listen (equivalent of pouring petrol on an open fire) or argue back pretty quickly – kaboom!

The first option just reinforced the story my partner made up about me not listening and paying attention to her properly, and that made sense to me because I sometimes would not be fully focused on what she had to say if I was not in the mood to listen. The second option took us to disconnection and upset.

In the Imago process if you have something to say then you check that your partner is available and willing to listen to you. Really listen. Hopefully, because they will be used to the process and feel safe, they will be ok to hear what’s on your mind, be it good or bad. If they are not in the right place they can let you know and negotiate a time when they are in the right place to hear you. The aim is to hear the frustration as soon as possible, so if the frustration cannot be heard straight away we are ideally talking hours rather than reaching for your diary!

The frustration request should be clear and have no criticism attached to it, such as;

“I have a frustration I want to talk about with you, are you available to listen?”

At first this process can feel a bit scary as it’s so different to what you have probably done before.  As you get used to doing this as a couple then it’s likely to lead to a much better relationship as you get to trust that you will be heard and you can temporarily “shelve” your concern.

If you want to read more about Imago Relationship Therapy my advice is to read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, the founder of the Imago system.

Five Reasons Why Talking Is Better Than Walking.

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Is your relationship proving a real challenge? Ever had the urge to just leave it and never go back? The desire to run away from problems is a common human experience. Many people decide that they do want to leave a relationship and sadly, sometimes relationship breakdown and divorce happens. In this article I want to explain why I think talking about these feelings can be another way to deal with them.

    1. If you believe the ideas in Imago theory then we are attracted to a certain type of person that fits with an image, or imago, of our perfect mate. This is constructed from the good bits and bad bits of our primary caretakers. So our Mum, Dad, Uncles and Aunts are all in there along with others that may have been important to us such as teachers, grandparents, siblings or even close family friends.
      If you dump your partner then you are highly likely to just go out there and find exactly the same type of person again, experiencing exactly the same type of problems. You may as well sort these out sooner rather than later with the partner you have now!

 

    1. By talking rather than walking you are putting the energy back into the relationship. When you walk the energy goes with you making it even harder to sort your problems out.

 

    1. Love ain’t supposed to be easy! All relationships go through their ups and downs. By sticking with your partner through the downs you will grow closer and experience a deeper connectedness during the ups. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is a decision.

 

    1. Walking away may well be part of your own internal process. In TA terms we may link this to script. By staying you will be learning a new way of doing things and challenging that negative script belief.

 

  1. There are lots of ways of talking to each other. You may feel that talking to your partner is a waste of time because they just don’t listen. It’s likely that they have exactly the same feelings about you! Find your nearest Imago Relationship Therapist and learn Imago Dialogue. It’s a different way of talking where both partners feel listened to and it increases the possibility of deep connection. “Getting The Love You Want” workshops are a great way to find out more about Imago and begin to understand your relationship better.

Can you think of times when you felt like walking out but you stayed? How did it turn out? Let me know in the comments section below.

5 Ways To Stop Arguing With Your Partner

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5 ways to stop arguing with your partnerHow many times have you been angry with your partner because they didn’t guess what you were thinking? How many times have you presumed you knew what they were thinking and shouted at them for it? I know I’ve done both. My personal favourite saying to illustrate this is “If you loved me I wouldn’t have to tell you”! Boy, that’s a toughie to get out of! Let’s face facts though. Humans can’t mind read. When we presume our partners can, we discount them. Here’s what to do instead:

Ask for what you want. Don’t presume your partner knows.  We all have the power to do this and its a great way to start practising straight transactions.  It also gives your partner a clear understanding of your needs or wants with no hidden agenda which will build up trust in your relationship.

Use action/feeling statements. These are a great way to talk to another person about your feelings. “when you (insert annoying behaviour here), I felt (insert feeling here), so in future I’d like you to (insert preferable behaviour here)”.  These are brilliantly explained in Claude Steiner’s book “Achieving Emotional Literacy” (see my book reviews). Once more this is a straight way of talking and gives your partner a lot of information about how you feel without blaming.  Which brings me neatly onto…

Stay away from blame. This is where the old mind reading comes in again.  Chances are pretty high that your partner has not done something to deliberately annoy or upset you so use the action feeling statement above and avoid resentment building up.

Don’t presume you knew why your partner behaved in the way they did. If you are unsure, ask them.

Forgive and move on.Collecting up bad feelings (called stamp collecting in TA language) is harmful to relationships and erodes good feeling.  It often leads to big arguments later so it’s important to let things go and focus on the bigger picture – a strong, healthy relationship.

Interested in having Marriage counselling?  Just ring me on 07966 390857 or click “contact me” on the bar above.