Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Five Reasons Why Talking Is Better Than Walking.

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Is your relationship proving a real challenge? Ever had the urge to just leave it and never go back? The desire to run away from problems is a common human experience. Many people decide that they do want to leave a relationship and sadly, sometimes relationship breakdown and divorce happens. In this article I want to explain why I think talking about these feelings can be another way to deal with them.

    1. If you believe the ideas in Imago theory then we are attracted to a certain type of person that fits with an image, or imago, of our perfect mate. This is constructed from the good bits and bad bits of our primary caretakers. So our Mum, Dad, Uncles and Aunts are all in there along with others that may have been important to us such as teachers, grandparents, siblings or even close family friends.
      If you dump your partner then you are highly likely to just go out there and find exactly the same type of person again, experiencing exactly the same type of problems. You may as well sort these out sooner rather than later with the partner you have now!

 

    1. By talking rather than walking you are putting the energy back into the relationship. When you walk the energy goes with you making it even harder to sort your problems out.

 

    1. Love ain’t supposed to be easy! All relationships go through their ups and downs. By sticking with your partner through the downs you will grow closer and experience a deeper connectedness during the ups. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is a decision.

 

    1. Walking away may well be part of your own internal process. In TA terms we may link this to script. By staying you will be learning a new way of doing things and challenging that negative script belief.

 

  1. There are lots of ways of talking to each other. You may feel that talking to your partner is a waste of time because they just don’t listen. It’s likely that they have exactly the same feelings about you! Find your nearest Imago Relationship Therapist and learn Imago Dialogue. It’s a different way of talking where both partners feel listened to and it increases the possibility of deep connection. “Getting The Love You Want” workshops are a great way to find out more about Imago and begin to understand your relationship better.

Can you think of times when you felt like walking out but you stayed? How did it turn out? Let me know in the comments section below.

Marriage counselling and Morrissey

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The Smiths The Queen is DeadThis post is about what one of the most fiercely single men in music can teach us about being in a couple.  If you wanted couples counselling, Morrissey would probably be the last person you would seek out (I’m not sure he does it any more anyway – I think he has specialised and now just sticks to depression work and sexuality issues!). So what am I going on about? Well, I guess it’s partly an excuse to write about one of my favourite artists of all time, and a way of exploring just one particular track that speaks volumes about what a relationship could aspire to.

The track I have in mind is the Smiths “There is a light and it never goes out“. This is a song never fails to move me, quite often close to tears.

This is a hauntingly beautiful song, typical of the Mossa style. Ambiguous in its writing, we are unsure whether Morrissey is writing about a man or a woman and it really doesn’t matter. The passion and emotion that it triggers within me is truly heartrending.

So what’s this got to do with couple’s therapy? For me the chorus sums up what a deep loving relationship is about:

And if a double-decker bus
crashes in to us
to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
and if a ten ton truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

(Morrissey and Marr)

Surely this is the essence of true love? Macabre I know, but how many people do you feel so deeply about that if that time should come, you would feel privileged to die next to them? We often get so lost in the day to day bickering and one-upmanship of our relationships that such long term deep love gradually gets eroded. Harville Hendrix calls this the power struggle phase of a relationship. Couples that come see me for relationship therapy are usually deeply embedded in this phase and it is putting enormous strain on both members of the couple and the relationship itself.

I see marriage counselling as an opportunity to see each other again. To accept that you are not going to change your partner, they can only change themselves if they want to. Maybe to accept your partner for who they are, not who you want them to be. As this happens then change does come. Couples are more willing to give to each other and as they give they also receive, so a positive cycle begins. The relationship shifts from a stressful battle of bickering and resentment to a more settled, calmer place where love, deep love, can happen.

Please comment on this post – let me know what tracks hit that home run in your heart. Which songs express true love to you?

Couples Counselling – 5 signs it might be time to book an appointment

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marriage counselling dont leave it too longMany couples put off going to marriage counselling for too long. The result can be a much more difficult process and sometimes the relationship has deteriorated beyond rescue. This blog post looks at when we know it’s time to go and why it’s important not to leave it too long.

The average time it takes a couple to come to seek therapy when they know their relationship is in trouble is 6 years. Contrast this with the 30 minutes it takes people to respond to chest pains or the 30 days it takes women to make a doctor’s appointment when they feel a lump in their breast (Gottman, 1997).

Now, I get that a heart attack isn’t exactly comparable to relationship difficulties, but I think it’s important to remember a couple of things. Firstly, unhappy relationships create a great deal of stress and misery for all of the people surrounding the relationship (including any children who have to live with arguments and bad feeling). Stress has a direct link to our physical health. It lowers our immune response leaving us open to coughs, colds and other infections and it is shown to increase the chances of serious medical situations like heart attacks. Secondly, you can imagine how difficult it is going to be to undo six years’ worth of conflict. It’s not hopeless, couples counselling can have a very positive effect on any relationship if both partners get stuck in, but, well I’m sure you are getting my point here!

So what signs can you look out for that may indicate that you may need help?

  1. Communication breaks down. You seem to be having the same old arguments again and again and are not resolving anything.
  2. The bond of trust seems to have eroded. This could be as a result of jealousy from one partner or a suspected affair.
  3. One or both partners are continually becoming ill or depressed. This may be an indication that the loving support that is expected to exist in a relationship has gone.
  4. Sex is no fun or has stopped. Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship. It allows partners to bond and feel close to each other. If that has gone the relationship may be at risk.
  5. Violence within the relationship. This could be from either partner and is very serious. Always treat your personal safety as a priority.

If one or more of the issues above are present in your relationship then it might be time to ring a couples counsellor and sort the problem out. Don’t wait until you have a dead marriage or struggling relationship, grab the bull by the horns and tackle the problem together early before it gets too big.

If you wish to make an appointment with me, ring 07966 390857.

Gottman, J. (1997). A scientifically based marital therapy: A 12 hour video course with extensive notes and handouts. Seattle, WA: Seattle Marriage and Family Institute.