relationship counselling

Are There Lizards In Your Relationship?

14/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

When workign with couples I use Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago places a great emphasis on safety. An Imago couples counsellor will work hard at keeping both partners safe and ensure that they keep each other safe as they are talking. This post looks at why it’s important to feel safe in our relationships and how this allows growth for both partners.

Let’s start at the beginning, and I mean the very beginning for us humans. We are going to talk about the human evolutionary journey. There is now plenty of evidence to suggest that our brains formed in three stages;

First our lizard brain formed (the brain stem) – we were pretty basic creatures at this stage so needed tactics to stay alive. When under threat this part of our brain tells us to fight, run away, freeze (think rabbit in headlight) or submit.
Next came our mammalian brain (the limbic system) – this allowed us to have emotions, become social animals and form relationships (think wolves in packs).
Finally our logical brain (the cerebral cortex) – this is our thinking part, the only animal with a bigger cerebral cortex than humans is the dolphin (so don’t play chess with them ‘cos they will beat you). This is our speech, writing, maths, time and logical process centre. It’s the part of the brain that allows us to make decisions and veto those biological urges we have that may not be useful for us, e.g playing dead when sitting examinations has never been a great strategy if we want to progress up the education ladder!

I guess you can see where this post is now heading! When we apply this model to our relationships it becomes obvious that shouting at our partner is not going to get us what we want. If they get scared then old lizard brain kicks in and you may as well be talking to a gecko! Their brains are not going to have the capacity to think things through and they are just going to be focusing on survival. Logic and mammalian brain are switched off and they get ready to run away, do nothing, attack back or just agree with everything you say in an attempt to shut you up. Been there? I know I have!

Everyday strategies to avoid lizarding your loved one!

Many of these techniques are naturally built into Imago Relationship Therapy, but you don’t need to be working with a therapist to do them. Try the following:

Book an appointment with your partner when you want to talk about something important to you. It may be that they are ready to listen to you right there and then. If not, agree a time when both of you are in the right frame of mind to discuss the issue.
Avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness when talking to your partner. Once you introduce any of these bad boys into the conversation you are going to be talking to a lizard faster than you can say “Godzilla”! Check out my post on these four relationship wreckers here.
Stick with “I” statements. Talking about yourself rather than your partner is much less confrontational and will keep your partner safe.
Have a soft start up. Ease your way into the discussion rather than hitting your partner full in the face with your demands! “I realise you are working really hard to bring money in for the family and I miss you when you aren’t around at dinner time” feels very different to “you are always bloody late for dinner you selfish pig”! John Gottman found that he could predict the outcome of an argument from the first sentence very accurately. Soft startups allowed discussion to happen (lizard free), whilst harsh startups pretty much always rapidly descended into arguments where both partners felt hugely wronged.
Repair as you go along. Once more, Gottman found that couples adept in the art of repairing whilst arguing stayed together. It was one of the most common skills found in couples that had been happily married long term. A repair attempt might be something like “yeah – I could see how you would think that, I was pretty grouchy yesterday” or “I know you are stressed at work at the moment and you don’t mean to snap at me”. It’s basically putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and validating their point of view.

If you can do a few of the suggestions above you are well on the way to a lizard free relationship. You’re not going to get it right all the time, no one does, but these techniques can make a significant difference to the feel of the relationship and make it a safer place to be. With safety comes the potential for change and growth for you both.

Couples Counselling – 5 signs it might be time to book an appointment

04/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

Many couples put off going to marriage counselling for too long. The result can be a much more difficult process and sometimes the relationship has deteriorated beyond rescue. This blog post looks at when we know it’s time to go and why it’s important not to leave it too long.

The average time it takes a couple to come to seek therapy when they know their relationship is in trouble is 6 years. Contrast this with the 30 minutes it takes people to respond to chest pains or the 30 days it takes women to make a doctor’s appointment when they feel a lump in their breast (Gottman, 1997).

Now, I get that a heart attack isn’t exactly comparable to relationship difficulties, but I think it’s important to remember a couple of things. Firstly, unhappy relationships create a great deal of stress and misery for all of the people surrounding the relationship (including any children who have to live with arguments and bad feeling). Stress has a direct link to our physical health. It lowers our immune response leaving us open to coughs, colds and other infections and it is shown to increase the chances of serious medical situations like heart attacks. Secondly, you can imagine how difficult it is going to be to undo six years’ worth of conflict. It’s not hopeless, couples counselling can have a very positive effect on any relationship if both partners get stuck in, but, well I’m sure you are getting my point here!

So what signs can you look out for that may indicate that you may need help?

Communication breaks down. You seem to be having the same old arguments again and again and are not resolving anything.
The bond of trust seems to have eroded. This could be as a result of jealousy from one partner or a suspected affair.
One or both partners are continually becoming ill or depressed. This may be an indication that the loving support that is expected to exist in a relationship has gone.
Sex is no fun or has stopped. Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship. It allows partners to bond and feel close to each other. If that has gone the relationship may be at risk.
Violence within the relationship. This could be from either partner and is very serious. Always treat your personal safety as a priority.

If one or more of the issues above are present in your relationship then it might be time to ring a couples counsellor and sort the problem out. Don’t wait until you have a dead marriage or struggling relationship, grab the bull by the horns and tackle the problem together early before it gets too big.

If you wish to make an appointment with me, ring 07966 390857.

Gottman, J. (1997). A scientifically based marital therapy: A 12 hour video course with extensive notes and handouts. Seattle, WA: Seattle Marriage and Family Institute.

What To Expect From Couples Counselling

03/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

Many people are unsure of what to expect when they come for couples counselling. In this post I will outline what you can expect if you work with me at Manchester Psychotherapy. I use Imago Relationship Therapy in all my sessions. Imago Relationship Therapy presumes that you are both OK, you both have needs that you are trying to get met, and that you are both well matched to help your partner get their needs met.

One thing I will not be doing is allowing you to come and spend time arguing. You probably do lots of that at home and there is no point paying me to watch you do it! The vast majority of the time you will be in dialogue with each other and I will be guiding you.

A typical session will look like this:

Arrival – focusing on getting you grounded and ready to listen to your partner.

Intentions – What do you want to achieve from this session? How do you need to be to achieve it?

Dialogue – One partner will talk (we call this sending) and the other will listen (we call this receiving). The receiver will mirror what the sender has said back to them, validate and empathise. Can you imagine what that feels like? Your partner will be listening to every word you say and mirroring it back – demonstrating that they really were listening. Contrast this with the diatribe that usually happens in a relationship where one person talks then the other person talks back, usually invalidating what their partner has just said. Being listened to, validated and understood feels fantastic! Once the sender has finished sending the roles are swapped and the receiver now sends, often responding to what they have just heard from their partner.

When sending the focus is on owning feelings, staying away from blame and keeping your partner safe. Senders use “I feel” statements or “the story I’m telling myself..” sentences to do this. It’s my job as the therapist to make sure both partners do not feel attacked or criticised.

Towards the end of the session couples will move into appreciation dialogues – what they like about their partner either during the session or out of it. This brings the positive into your awareness and reminds the couple of why they are together in the first place.

If you are in couples therapy then about 90% of what you have in your relationship is likely to be working. The trouble is that we often can only see the 10% that’s not, just like a sore toe can make our whole body feel rotten. Imago Relationship Therapy aims to bring that 90% back into your awareness.

So how do couples resolve disagreements in Imago Relationship Therapy? When partners have things they want their other half to change the dialogue process will focus on “behaviour change requests”. This is a way of dialoguing about something that you want done differently in your relationship and explaining what feelings go on for you when your partner behaves in that way. These feelings are often linked to childhood and so there is some exploration of that area too. Once the information about the issue has been sent the sender will also suggest ways in which their partner can do things differently. The receiver gets to choose which ones they may be able to “stretch into”. If the receiver can’t see any other way of doing things then they couple will dialogue about that.

I’m sure you appreciate that this post can only cover the bare bones of what happens in a session. Imago Relationship Therapy provides an effective way of structuring couples therapy and keeps the process safe for both partners. It’s about healing the wounds and bringing you together. There is no sitting around slagging your partner off to the therapist or wallowing in all the bad things that have happened between you. The aim is for you to be leaving the session feeling more positive about your relationship than when you came. There will be times when you want to dialogue about painful events in your relationship and this will be done in a way that your partner can really listen, stay safe and avoid defensiveness. By doing this wounds start to heal and the couple learn that their partner is an essential key to their own growth and happiness.

I’m going to finish this article by stating that I love doing Couples counselling, I feel passionate about it. I think the Imago Relationship Therapy model I use is beautiful and I love seeing the couples I work with connecting with each other on a deep level whilst using it. If your relationship is under pressure then I would love to work with you to help you realise the great relationship you could have too.