Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Introduction To Couples Counselling Stockport

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couples counselling stockportLast week I wrote about counselling for individuals so this week I want to run through how I deliver couples counselling Stockport.

Couples counselling Stockport

Couples or marriage counselling is a field that I have a great deal of experience and training in.  It’s also something that I really enjoy doing.  I’m afraid I’m one of a small number of therapists that feel this way about couples work.  Many of my therapy colleagues dislike and actively stay away from couples therapy and if you look at how the average therapist is trained to work with couples it’s easy to understand why.

Why are there so few therapists offering couples counselling Stockport?

Most therapists undergo a formal training in order to become qualified.  This usually consists of 100 hours of therapy training for 4 years – 400 hours in total.  On top of this trainee therapists gain practise “on the job” and often have CPD in areas of therapy that they are interested in.  Out of these 400 hours, I spent 7 dealing specifically with couples and how to work with them.  That’s less than 2% of my total formal training dedicated to couples.

When I started practicing as a therapist I decided that I would take the plunge and work with couples.  There was something exciting about the idea and I wanted to help as many groups of people as I could.  Within two or three sessions I had no doubt that I needed a good model to support me in this work.

Why I felt I needed to get in depth training for marriage counselling.

Picture if you will a couple arguing heatedly on the sofa before me whilst I looked on in amazement and complete uncertainty of what to do or how to intervene!  I had a problem of numbers.  I had been trained to work effectively with one person but in front of me there was two.  What’s more, these two people did not seem to like each other very much and were inviting me at every opportunity to decide which of them was right.  They wanted me to be judge and juror to their marriage and I had no desire to be either.

Feeling so impotent and useless as a therapist only armed with a model aimed at individuals was a horrible feeling.  I went on a mission to find some quality training as a couple’s therapist. This was also not an easy task.  For whatever reason, there seems to be a shocking lack of provision to train therapists to work with couples in the UK.  Maybe this is a reflection of the perceived lack of demand, or the belief that Relate has it all sawn up, I’m not sure, but it took me a good while to find a course that I liked the look of and gave me the training I so seriously needed.

Imago Relationship Therapy

The training I went for was Imago Relationship Therapy.  Imago Relationship Therapy is a modality of therapy with couples work at its heart. Individuals can have Imago Relationship Therapy but it is primarily designed for couples.  It is a theory of how couples choose each other and what they need to do to “get the love they want”.

Imago Relationship Therapy is big in the States and has some heavy weight celebrities promoting its effectiveness including Alanis Morrisette and Oprah Winfrey, who rated the interview she did with Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, as one of her all-time top ten favourites (catch it here if you want to see what she was on about).

I studied Imago Relationship Therapy for a year, over 100 hours of some of the best training I have ever had.  The training gave me a great model to use when working with couples and removed any fear that I had about being impotent.  Now when working with couples I know exactly what I am doing and am sure that the Imago Relationship model has something positive to offer them.  I see the Imago theory as a great way to revolutionise the way a relationship can be had and have seen the impact it has had on many, many couples I have worked with.

Do all couples benefit from marriage guidance?

Not that every couple that comes to me leaves holding hands and skipping into the sunset!  Unfortunately some couples seek therapy far too late and years of bitter resentments and emotional wounds prove too big to heal.  Sometimes these couples decide to separate. Even in these situations I see the decision to seek therapy as a positive one.  It may take a couple of hours of therapy for some couples to realise that they are just not prepared to put in the effort needed to change their relationship and they would rather separate.

This brings me on to the next truth about couples counselling Stockport.  If you want to change the way you relate to your partner then you are going to have to do things differently.  As Albert Einstein famously said, a good definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Get ready to put in some work

Imago Relationship Therapy gives you a new way of connecting with your partner.  It will demand effort and energy both during the therapy sessions and back in everyday life.  I’m convinced it can be a catalyst to change and that it provides a safe, structured way to connect with your partner and start listening to what they have to say.

Lastly, I want to say that there are other methods of Couples counselling out there.  There is the more traditional model of therapist on one side and couple on the other.  The couple talk to the therapist individually about what’s going on for them in the relationship whilst the other partner listens.  At some stages the therapist may encourage the couple to talk to each other and act as a mediator.  This is very different to Imago and the way that I work.  If you come to me for couple’s therapy then within two or three sessions (once you have learnt the Imago Dialogue process) the amount that you hear from me has trailed off to about 10 minutes per session spread over the hour.  You will talk to your partner and use the structure of Imago Dialogue to do this.  There is no one more important in the room.  My job will be to help you to do this by gently nudging you in the right direction now and again.  I am also there to keep the dialogue safe so both partners can really hear each other and are not feeling defensive or under attack.

What’s your experience with couple’s therapy?  Have you got a question about how I work?  Please comment under this post about your ideas and feelings around this topic.

Thanks for reading and you can email me at couples counselling Stockport by using my contact form.

Imago Relationship Therapy – Make An Appointment

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make and appointment with your partner to discuss frustrationsWhen using Imago dialogue the first stage in the process is to make an appointment with your partner.

Why would you possibly need to do this? They are stood right in front of you ready to hear your wise ruminations aren’t they? Well, yes, and no! Has your partner ever launched into a frustration with you when you are just not in the mood? I know mine has! What I used to do is either half listen (equivalent of pouring petrol on an open fire) or argue back pretty quickly – kaboom!

The first option just reinforced the story my partner made up about me not listening and paying attention to her properly, and that made sense to me because I sometimes would not be fully focused on what she had to say if I was not in the mood to listen. The second option took us to disconnection and upset.

In the Imago process if you have something to say then you check that your partner is available and willing to listen to you. Really listen. Hopefully, because they will be used to the process and feel safe, they will be ok to hear what’s on your mind, be it good or bad. If they are not in the right place they can let you know and negotiate a time when they are in the right place to hear you. The aim is to hear the frustration as soon as possible, so if the frustration cannot be heard straight away we are ideally talking hours rather than reaching for your diary!

The frustration request should be clear and have no criticism attached to it, such as;

“I have a frustration I want to talk about with you, are you available to listen?”

At first this process can feel a bit scary as it’s so different to what you have probably done before.  As you get used to doing this as a couple then it’s likely to lead to a much better relationship as you get to trust that you will be heard and you can temporarily “shelve” your concern.

If you want to read more about Imago Relationship Therapy my advice is to read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, the founder of the Imago system.

Imago Relationship Therapy – The Sender

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Imago Relationship Therapy In ManchesterI use Imago Relationship Therapy when conducting marriage guidance in Manchester. The last article looked at the role of the receiver in the Imago relationship dialogue process. In this week’s article I will give you my take on the sender’s role.

In the Imago dialogue process both partners take on a set role then swap around. This allows both partners to be the sender and the receiver. It also creates a safe way of talking to each other and allows both partners to feel fully listened to and validated by their partner. This is much more likely to result in a successful outcome and deepen the connection between the couple.

The sender is the person who is doing the talking. If you are sending then you get to express yourself to your partner and have your thoughts and feelings mirrored back to you. Compare that with how couples usually communicate with each other;

The “lets have an argument” way

Pete “I hate it when you come home late from work and don’t let me know you are going to be late”

Jane: “Well you came home late from work last Tuesday and I didn’t pick you up on it, why are you always nagging me?”

Pete: “That’s just typical of you – last Tuesday was a one off, you’re always late and you wonder why I nag?”

You can see that just three transactions into the conversation things have spiraled out of control and many of Gottman’s four horsemen of divorce have reared their ugly heads.

The Imago Way

In imago the sender has responsibility to do things differently and the receiver is not going to answer back, just mirror, validate and empathise. In the early stages the conversation may look like this;

Pete: “I have something I want to talk to you about, are you available to listen to me?”

Jane: “Sure, what’s up Pete?”

Pete: “I’m feeling frustrated about you coming home from work late and I want to work it through with you”

Jane “So I hear you say you feel frustrated about me coming home from work late and you want to work it through with me, did I get you?”

Pete: “Yeah, you heard me”

Jane: “Is there more about that?”

Pete: “yeah, when you turn up late from work I feel angry and the story I make up is that you have forgotten about me”

Jane: “So, when I turn up late from work you feel angry and the story you make up is that I have forgotten about you, did I get you?”

Pete: ” Yeah, you got me”

Jane: “Is there more?”

Can you see how the whole dynamic of the conversation is different? Pete is sending information in a safe way and taking responsibility for what he sends. He talks about his feelings and does not accuse or criticize Jane. He stays away from the four horsemen and has a soft start up – another key way of keeping the conversation safe for both parties. Jane listens and attunes to Pete and mirrors carefully to demonstrate that she is listening and she is understanding Pete. With each “is there more?” the dialogue deepens and the real issues behind Pete’s feelings will be revealed. This increases the chances of Jane wanting to change her behaviour because she really “gets” what is going on for Pete and, as she loves him, wants to reduce the pain he feels about this issue.

Won’t it take hours to discuss anything?

You may think that this is a slow way to communicate with each other but I beg to differ. If you can discuss issues in this safe way then they can be resolved cleanly and both partners can feel listened to and cared for. Compare that to the first conversation where the transactions are swapped rapidly. When you add in the two days of sulking/arguing/unhappiness that follow without anything being resolved then you can see it is a very slow way to solve problems.

It’s the sender’s job to keep it about them, send in small enough chunks to be mirrored and check that the mirror is correct. If it’s not, the mirror can be corrected with care for the receiver, e.g. “You almost got that, let me send it again more clearly…” It’s also the sender’s job to stay on topic and avoid bringing other issues in – otherwise the dialogue can lose focus and could go on forever.

Want to read more about Imago Relationship Therapy?  Read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix.  If you are interested in working with me, ring 07966 390857 to check availability or use my contact form to get in touch.