Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Marriage counselling and Morrissey

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The Smiths The Queen is DeadThis post is about what one of the most fiercely single men in music can teach us about being in a couple.  If you wanted couples counselling, Morrissey would probably be the last person you would seek out (I’m not sure he does it any more anyway – I think he has specialised and now just sticks to depression work and sexuality issues!). So what am I going on about? Well, I guess it’s partly an excuse to write about one of my favourite artists of all time, and a way of exploring just one particular track that speaks volumes about what a relationship could aspire to.

The track I have in mind is the Smiths “There is a light and it never goes out“. This is a song never fails to move me, quite often close to tears.

This is a hauntingly beautiful song, typical of the Mossa style. Ambiguous in its writing, we are unsure whether Morrissey is writing about a man or a woman and it really doesn’t matter. The passion and emotion that it triggers within me is truly heartrending.

So what’s this got to do with couple’s therapy? For me the chorus sums up what a deep loving relationship is about:

And if a double-decker bus
crashes in to us
to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
and if a ten ton truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

(Morrissey and Marr)

Surely this is the essence of true love? Macabre I know, but how many people do you feel so deeply about that if that time should come, you would feel privileged to die next to them? We often get so lost in the day to day bickering and one-upmanship of our relationships that such long term deep love gradually gets eroded. Harville Hendrix calls this the power struggle phase of a relationship. Couples that come see me for relationship therapy are usually deeply embedded in this phase and it is putting enormous strain on both members of the couple and the relationship itself.

I see marriage counselling as an opportunity to see each other again. To accept that you are not going to change your partner, they can only change themselves if they want to. Maybe to accept your partner for who they are, not who you want them to be. As this happens then change does come. Couples are more willing to give to each other and as they give they also receive, so a positive cycle begins. The relationship shifts from a stressful battle of bickering and resentment to a more settled, calmer place where love, deep love, can happen.

Please comment on this post – let me know what tracks hit that home run in your heart. Which songs express true love to you?

Couples Counselling – 5 signs it might be time to book an appointment

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marriage counselling dont leave it too longMany couples put off going to marriage counselling for too long. The result can be a much more difficult process and sometimes the relationship has deteriorated beyond rescue. This blog post looks at when we know it’s time to go and why it’s important not to leave it too long.

The average time it takes a couple to come to seek therapy when they know their relationship is in trouble is 6 years. Contrast this with the 30 minutes it takes people to respond to chest pains or the 30 days it takes women to make a doctor’s appointment when they feel a lump in their breast (Gottman, 1997).

Now, I get that a heart attack isn’t exactly comparable to relationship difficulties, but I think it’s important to remember a couple of things. Firstly, unhappy relationships create a great deal of stress and misery for all of the people surrounding the relationship (including any children who have to live with arguments and bad feeling). Stress has a direct link to our physical health. It lowers our immune response leaving us open to coughs, colds and other infections and it is shown to increase the chances of serious medical situations like heart attacks. Secondly, you can imagine how difficult it is going to be to undo six years’ worth of conflict. It’s not hopeless, couples counselling can have a very positive effect on any relationship if both partners get stuck in, but, well I’m sure you are getting my point here!

So what signs can you look out for that may indicate that you may need help?

  1. Communication breaks down. You seem to be having the same old arguments again and again and are not resolving anything.
  2. The bond of trust seems to have eroded. This could be as a result of jealousy from one partner or a suspected affair.
  3. One or both partners are continually becoming ill or depressed. This may be an indication that the loving support that is expected to exist in a relationship has gone.
  4. Sex is no fun or has stopped. Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship. It allows partners to bond and feel close to each other. If that has gone the relationship may be at risk.
  5. Violence within the relationship. This could be from either partner and is very serious. Always treat your personal safety as a priority.

If one or more of the issues above are present in your relationship then it might be time to ring a couples counsellor and sort the problem out. Don’t wait until you have a dead marriage or struggling relationship, grab the bull by the horns and tackle the problem together early before it gets too big.

If you wish to make an appointment with me, ring 07966 390857.

Gottman, J. (1997). A scientifically based marital therapy: A 12 hour video course with extensive notes and handouts. Seattle, WA: Seattle Marriage and Family Institute.

Imago Relationship Therapy – Mirroring

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Imago Relationship Therapy Manchester MirroringMirroring is a fundamental skill in the Imago dialogue process. In this article, I will explore the why’s and wherefores of mirroring and I hope to give you some insight to its importance in the process. If you have marriage counselling with me then you will have heard much of this before in the session, if not I hope the post helps!

Why mirror?

When you are the receiver in the couple’s dialogue process your role is to mirror back what you have just heard your partner say. The mirror is important because it makes sure that what you heard and what was said are the same. “How could they not be?” I hear you say. Let’s take the following example;

Sender: “I make up in my head that you are interested in another man”

Receiver “So I heard you say that you are accusing me of having an affair”

The receiver put his own spin on what was said by the sender and made the sentence into something that it was not. We do this frequently in conversations with our loved ones, especially if they are becoming heated. The mirror prevents this and encourages us to stay on our partner’s island.

Did I get you?

A better mirror for this sender would be;

Receiver “I hear you say that you make up in your head that I am interested in other men. Did I get you?”

In this example we are staying on our partner’s island and seeing what the world looks like for them. They are different to us. They are separate and they think differently. The last part of the sentence is essential to the process. “Did I get you?” Notice the words. “Did I get you?” means exactly that. It’s more about understanding where your partner is coming from than repeating the words back exactly. It’s asking “am I in tune with you?”

Next steps

Next we go to the sender. The sender will either confirm “yes, you got me” or resend the parts of the send that were missed “you got most of it; I’d like to resend this bit more clearly….”

It’s important that the sender checks that what was sent was mirrored accurately and corrects it if it was not (in the nicest possible way of course, after all, if you are having someone come visit you on your Island you don’t want to sucker punch them in the guts, they’re unlikely to want to come back if you do!)

Once the send is confirmed as correct then the receiver will ask “is there more?”

Is there more?

Ah those beautiful words! “Is there more?” When you say these words to your partner as the receiver you are asking to be taken further into their world. You are giving them an opportunity to explore their thoughts and feelings about the issue to a deeper level. As the dialogue deepens then the connection between you and your partner does too. You get to find out what it’s like being them and empathise with the thoughts and feelings they are having. This puts the frustration they may be having with you in context.

The next two stages of the process of Imago dialogue are validation and empathy. I will talk about them in the next article in this series. Until then, if you have any questions about the Imago process or any thoughts or observations please get in touch using the comment box below and let’s dialogue about it!

Image: tungphoto / FreeDigitalPhotos.net