Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

“I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” Explained

By

I love you but im not in love with you“I love you but I’m not in love with you” is a common phrase that I hear from couples contemplating coming into couples counselling with me. It’s a phrase that I hear so often I feel compelled to write a post about it. The aim of this post is to shed some light on what this phrase probably means and to help you to understand how this is normal. I will also give some suggestions on what you can do about these feelings within your relationship.

Let’s break down the phrase a little. “I love you” indicates that you have strong feelings and feel close and at home in your partners company. It sounds as if there is real potential within the relationship if only you knew how to free the energy from the stuck place it seems trapped in. The second part of the phrase “but I’m not in love with you” initially suggests that there is something wrong with the relationship and the love that you have for your partner is not enough. I disagree. I would like to translate this phrase for you as I see it.

The phrase to me indicates that the initial phase of the relationship has come to an end. In Imago Relationship therapy terms we call this the romantic phase. This is where you meet your partner and think that they are the most wonderful person on the entire planet! It’s characterised by the following key features:

Familiarity and timelessness:

You meet your partner and it’s as if you have known them forever! “Haven’t we met before?” you may ask. The answer in many ways to this question is yes, and no! You may not have met this individual before but you will most probably be very familiar with lots of their traits and characteristics because this person will fit with your imago. Your imago is the image of the person you need to be with to resolve your unmet childhood needs. It will be constructed from the good parts, and the bad parts of your parents, caregivers and significant people as you grew up. Yup, you fancy your Mum and Dad and with good reason (shudder at the thought)!!

Completion:

With your new partner you feel complete. They are your true “other half”. Again, this is kind of true according to Imago Relationship Therapy Theory. If you are quiet, you are likely to be attracted to someone who is a bit of a shouter, if you are a “feelings” person, you may well connect yourself up to a “thinker”. The theory states that we choose a partner that will offer us the most opportunity for growth.

Necessity:

This is the feeling that if your partner were to leave or be beamed up by aliens that happened to be passing by, you would simply collapse into a pile of useless Jelly on the floor. It’s as if you suddenly cannot comprehend your partner not being there.

Love drugs

Added to these four key parts of the romantic stage of the relationship is a heady cocktail of drugs. You are literally high as a kite, stoned on love. Your brain is pumping out endorphins, dopamine and other chemicals that are triggered even if you just think about your new love. No wonder we love love, we are off our face on love drugs!

I’m sorry to say, you know what’s coming next….the crash. When you have been in the romantic phase for long enough to form a strong bond with your partner you will enter the next phase, the power struggle. The drugs cannot be pumped out forever (shame as it may be) and you start to notice that other side of your Imago that you are not so keen on – all of those issues that you have with your caregivers that you need to resolve.

Common responses to the power struggle

It makes sense for you to try to recapture that love that you had in the romantic phase of the relationship and so that throws up a few choices for you. You can:

Bully your partner into being the perfect individual you saw them as when you chose them – bring on the arguments;

Dump your partner and go get another one – getting to go through the romantic phase all over again (I bet you know some serial monogamists who have a series of partners but never seem to make any relationship last?)

Have an affair – research has shown that the chemical buzz from the endorphins and other love drugs is enhanced by perceived risk;

For any of the above options you may find yourself saying “I love you, I’m just not in love with you”.

A different way

All of these choices are pretty rubbish and are unlikely to get your needs met,  they are also likely to bring with them a great deal of pain and upset for you and your partner. But there is another way. Commit. Commit to your relationship and work towards deep love with your partner.  Have a conscious relationship. By doing this the childhood wounds you set out to heal with your partner can be healed. You can grow and you can enable the growth of your partner too. But how do you do this?

The “how”

I guess the easiest way is to work with an Imago Relationship Therapist to guide you in the process but I think you can do it without this help, although it may be a little harder.

It’s about talking to each other in a straight way, asking for what you want and sharing your feelings with your partner. Staying away from the four horsemen of divorce and keeping your mouth shut at times when you really want to give your other half a good dressing down. It’s about seeing your partner as another wounded individual who is also just doing their best to heal and get their needs met.

I would also recommend that you read about Imago theory.  I have a fair few posts on Imago so you can read me for free or you can buy the ultimate guide, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, the brains behind Imago Relationship Therapy.

“I love you, I’m just not in love with you” is a sign post. It says the easy stuff is over and now the more difficult and more rewarding journey has begun. The journey to deeper love.

Read the book!  I Love You But I’m Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship Click on the (affiliate) link to be taken to Amazon.

Counsellor Or Therapist – What’s The Difference And How Do I Choose One?

By

Are counsellors and therapists different and how do I choose?You will notice that on my site I mix up the terms “counselling” and “therapy”. Is there a difference? For all intents and purposes there are no differences when I use these terms and I think that is pretty common across my peers too. Counsellors and therapists do have different qualifications and have gone through different processes to get “certified” but that should not necessarily make any difference to potential clients. Research has shown that all of the different modalities are about as effective as each other and what is important is the relationship you have with your counsellor.

Counselling for Individuals

If it’s individual counselling you are looking for then you are spoilt for choice! There are at least four Transactional Analysis centres I can think of off the top of my head that are training establishments for TA psychotherapists (like me) which puts a great choice of therapists on the market. Many of the local colleges train person-centred counsellors just to add to the mix and there are other modalities out there too that you may be interested in.

Counselling for Couples

For couples counselling things become a little more limited. Many therapists shy away from couples or marriage counselling. This is because the training that we therapists and counsellors receive is almost entirely aimed at working with individuals. If you try to apply a model aimed at individuals to a couple it doesn’t work – there is one too many people!! Many counsellors are also scared at the prospect of having a couple sat in front of them who evidently don’t like each other very much and could explode into an argument at any moment! It’s easier then (and safer) for counsellors to stick with individuals only.

I am somewhat of a rarity (some say oddity!) in that I have sought specific training in Imago Relationship Therapy which is solely aimed at working with couples. I did this because I too felt under trained and wanted to do a good job with my couple’s clients. The training has helped me feel like a safe pair of hands for those that work with me. I love the ideas behind Imago Relationship Therapy and have been interested in it for many years.

Things are different in the USA. There are lots of therapists out there working solely with couples and therapists have much more access to training too. I have to travel down to London to be trained in Imago Relationship Therapy and my trainer flies in from Montreal, Canada,where she lives (this makes her arms very tired!) I guess in American culture if you have a problem with your marriage then you go out, seek help from someone qualified and get it fixed. In the UK we seem to go for the “stiff upper lip – put up and shut up” approach or just get divorced, which I feel very sad about.

How do you know who to work with?

As an individual looking for counselling or therapy I would advise you to start on the internet and check out a few websites. What is your impression of the person who has designed the site? Do they show passion and enthusiasm for their subject? Do you feel connected to them when you read their stuff? There may be more practical aspects that help you narrow things down if you have particular requirements. You may want to work with a male or female therapist – if it’s a male therapist you want then this will make things slightly more challenging as it’s a female dominated industry with about 30% of therapists being male – we are a rare breed!

For a couples counsellor or marriage counsellor I would do the same but ask what specific training your prospective therapist has had in order to train them to work with couples. A two day workshop five years ago is not going to be as useful as a year or more’s intensive training in a dedicated model aimed at couples. Again, if you want to work with a particular type of counsellor then for couples therapists it becomes even harder. I am the only person with training in Imago Relationship Therapy in Manchester. The nearest other individuals I know of are in Lancaster (a fellow trainee) and Sheffield. There are lots of Imago Therapists in London but that’s a hell of a distance to drive for a one hour therapy session!

Once you have identified someone who you think you may like to work with give them a ring and talk to them. They may have no availability or you may decide after chatting to them that they are not the person for you.

If they do have availability and you do like the sound of them then go have an initial session and see how you feel. You can walk away at any time and you are not committed to seeing any therapist for a set number of sessions.

Therapy is a personal thing and you need to feel safe whilst you are doing it. It is also life changing. There are plenty of great therapists out there, if you think that you may want to try me out then ring me on 07966 390857 or use my contact form above to get in touch.  I look forward to hearing from you 🙂

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Why We Choose Our Romantic Partner: The Imago

By

I’m pleased to introduce you to today’s guest blogger, Dr. Adam Sheck. Dr. Sheck is a Clinical Psychologist and Couples Counselor in Los Angeles trained in Imago Relationship Therapy. He blogs about relationships at his Passion 101 Blogsite.

Imago therapy manchesterWhat is the “Imago” and what does it have to do with how and why we choose our partner?  As a psychologist and couples therapist, I’m often asked what my view is on what brings couples together, on what that attraction is, and what it is about.  Here is my answer, and it lies within the concept of the Imago which I’ll explain shortly.  Warning: if you’re looking for an answer that is about soulmates or karma or fate or beshert, you’ll be disappointed.  My answer is based upon psychological principles.

You know that old cliché that we marry our mother or we marry our father? Well, from a psychological perspective, there is certainly a great deal of truth to that.  I’m trained and certified in Imago Relationship Therapy, which is a really powerful and successful form of couples therapy.

In this theory, we speak about the Imago which is Latin for image.  Deep inside our unconscious, we hold this image of our “perfect” partner.  This image, the Imago has all of the sights and sounds and smells and feelings we gathered while we were growing up.  And guess what, our model for that is very strongly based upon our primary caregivers, usually our parents and sometimes also our extended family.  The Imago is also based upon our neighbors and the books and newspapers and magazines we read and the television and movies we watched.  And these days, of course, it’s also based upon the ubiquitous Internet.

And we take all of those images record and store them with our own unique logic, which is based upon some combination of our genetics and our upbringing and our developing personality.  The kicker here though, is that the unconscious image we have created as the Imago not only includes the good qualities we witnessed, but also the negative traits of our caregivers.  As children, we’re like sponges and we absorb it all.  And so, when we meet someone that is close enough to this Imago, this internalized blueprint, our radar goes up.  And if they have enough of those qualities or we believe that they have enough of those qualities, we fall “in love” and enter that first stage of relationship, the romantic stage, the honeymoon stage.

The honeymoon stage is easy though, as we focus upon the positive qualities of the Imago.  The challenge in most relationships though, is when the honeymoon stage “wears off” and we’re left with this person who has many of the negative traits of our primary caregivers!  That’s where an experienced couples counselor or relationship coach can be of support.  I’ll talk more about the Three Stages of Relationship and how to successfully navigate them in another post.  For now, just mull over the concept of the Imago and see how it applies to your current relationship or past ones if you’re single right now.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

To reward your loyalty to Ian, I’d like to gift you with my Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” which you can download at www.freepassiontips.com