criticism

Are There Lizards In Your Relationship?

14/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

When workign with couples I use Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago places a great emphasis on safety. An Imago couples counsellor will work hard at keeping both partners safe and ensure that they keep each other safe as they are talking. This post looks at why it’s important to feel safe in our relationships and how this allows growth for both partners.

Let’s start at the beginning, and I mean the very beginning for us humans. We are going to talk about the human evolutionary journey. There is now plenty of evidence to suggest that our brains formed in three stages;

First our lizard brain formed (the brain stem) – we were pretty basic creatures at this stage so needed tactics to stay alive. When under threat this part of our brain tells us to fight, run away, freeze (think rabbit in headlight) or submit.
Next came our mammalian brain (the limbic system) – this allowed us to have emotions, become social animals and form relationships (think wolves in packs).
Finally our logical brain (the cerebral cortex) – this is our thinking part, the only animal with a bigger cerebral cortex than humans is the dolphin (so don’t play chess with them ‘cos they will beat you). This is our speech, writing, maths, time and logical process centre. It’s the part of the brain that allows us to make decisions and veto those biological urges we have that may not be useful for us, e.g playing dead when sitting examinations has never been a great strategy if we want to progress up the education ladder!

I guess you can see where this post is now heading! When we apply this model to our relationships it becomes obvious that shouting at our partner is not going to get us what we want. If they get scared then old lizard brain kicks in and you may as well be talking to a gecko! Their brains are not going to have the capacity to think things through and they are just going to be focusing on survival. Logic and mammalian brain are switched off and they get ready to run away, do nothing, attack back or just agree with everything you say in an attempt to shut you up. Been there? I know I have!

Everyday strategies to avoid lizarding your loved one!

Many of these techniques are naturally built into Imago Relationship Therapy, but you don’t need to be working with a therapist to do them. Try the following:

Book an appointment with your partner when you want to talk about something important to you. It may be that they are ready to listen to you right there and then. If not, agree a time when both of you are in the right frame of mind to discuss the issue.
Avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness when talking to your partner. Once you introduce any of these bad boys into the conversation you are going to be talking to a lizard faster than you can say “Godzilla”! Check out my post on these four relationship wreckers here.
Stick with “I” statements. Talking about yourself rather than your partner is much less confrontational and will keep your partner safe.
Have a soft start up. Ease your way into the discussion rather than hitting your partner full in the face with your demands! “I realise you are working really hard to bring money in for the family and I miss you when you aren’t around at dinner time” feels very different to “you are always bloody late for dinner you selfish pig”! John Gottman found that he could predict the outcome of an argument from the first sentence very accurately. Soft startups allowed discussion to happen (lizard free), whilst harsh startups pretty much always rapidly descended into arguments where both partners felt hugely wronged.
Repair as you go along. Once more, Gottman found that couples adept in the art of repairing whilst arguing stayed together. It was one of the most common skills found in couples that had been happily married long term. A repair attempt might be something like “yeah – I could see how you would think that, I was pretty grouchy yesterday” or “I know you are stressed at work at the moment and you don’t mean to snap at me”. It’s basically putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and validating their point of view.

If you can do a few of the suggestions above you are well on the way to a lizard free relationship. You’re not going to get it right all the time, no one does, but these techniques can make a significant difference to the feel of the relationship and make it a safer place to be. With safety comes the potential for change and growth for you both.

Four ways to improve your relationship – Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

11/09/2010 By Ian Tomlinson

In my last post I discussed what marriage and relationship expert John Gottman has named “the four horseman of divorce“. Gottman has studied relationships from a scientific perspective for decades so he can identify the traits of successful relationships and also spot what breaks couples up. When Gottman sees criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling in a relationship he knows that a break up is much more likely to occur.

The chances are that you see these four issues in your relationship too. If you are struggling to get along and negativity has crept in then the four horsemen tend to push their way in. All is not lost. You and your partner can turn things around by applying the antidote to these relationship poisons. Here’s an explanation of what they are:

Antidote to Criticism – Complaining

I get that it sounds a bit odd to encourage you to complain more in your relationship but criticism and complaining are worlds apart. When we criticise we use blanket statements that usually include value judgments about our partner. Complaints don’t do that. They specifically target the issue that you are unhappy about and leave your partner in tact as an OK person. Look at these two examples and you can feel the difference:

Criticism: “I asked you to fill the car with petrol so I could use it tonight without having to go to the garage and you have forgotten just like you always do! You’re so selfish, this is typical of you!”

Complaint: “When you use the car and leave it without any petrol I feel angry. Can you fill it up before coming home in future please?”

The critical statement uses “always” as a blanket generalisation (“never” can often be found in criticisms too) and then proceeds to label the partner “selfish” as a blanket judgment. The typical response to such criticism would be defensiveness, because the partner needs to protect him/herself from this personality attack. Defensiveness is the second horseman and just adds more blows to the punch drunk body of the relationship.

The complaint focuses on the issue and the feelings that the complainant felt. It is a great example of what Steiner named an “action/feeling statement”. It also explains to the partner exactly what behaviour they want their partner to do next time. There are no personal attacks and no generalisations. This statement is much more likely to result in an apology, repairing the relationship.

Antidote to Defensiveness – Take Responsibility

Defensive statements find their way into arguments when partners find themselves under attack and feel the need to defend themselves. When we are defensive we are really saying “the problem isn’t me, it’s you”. A defensive answer to the criticism above might be:

“I always fill the car up with petrol and I’m sick of doing it. Anyway, you never asked me to fill it up before I left”.

This is like pouring petrol onto a fire – the argument is only going to get worse to the point where it is impossible to recover.

Instead of being defensive we have to take responsibility for our actions. Steiner talks about the grain of truth in every complaint from your partner in his book “Achieving Emotional Literacy”. There is bound to be some truth in your partner’s complaint so fess up and apologise! When we do this we are adding repair to the argument too, which is likely to deescalate things and sooth your partner.

Antidote to Contempt – Praise and Pride

Gottman states that contempt is the most damaging of the four horsemen. In stable happy relationships the other horsemen may be present in small amounts but there is zero contempt. The antidote is love. Be positive with your partner, praise them whenever you can. Be proud of their achievements and tell them. As I type this it brings in mind my own parents. They have most certainly reached what in Imago therapy is called the “conscious relationship”. Don’t get me wrong, they have their moments and still argue here and there. What strikes me when I’m with them is how positive about each other they are. My mum takes real pride in the things my Dad has done, whether that’s making the dinner or repairing the shed roof. She will sit and tell me all of these achievements with a big smile on her face and the message is very strong that she thinks he’s brilliant! My Dad is also very positive about my Mum and brushes off some of her more annoying habits with “well, that’s just her way”.

Antidote to Stonewalling – Turn into the relationship rather than away

Stonewalling is when we withdraw from our partner, either physically by moving to another room, or emotionally when we close down and stop responding or just say “yeah, yeah, whatever, yeah” as they are talking to us. Instead of doing this the stonewaller needs to self sooth, calm down and stay emotionally connected. “Easier said than done” I hear you say and to a certain extent I agree. What we have to realise though is all of these techniques demand a great deal of effort to achieve. It’s tough to stay positive about your partner when your relationship is under strain, it’s tough to take responsibility for your actions when you are arguing and it’s tough not to withdraw when you feel under attack, but what’s your alternative? If you do the same in your relationship you get the same. If you want a strong worthwhile relationship full of love you have to work for it.

As with all things, you are not going to achieve a perfect relationship overnight. When I deliver couples counselling I will highlight these antidotes as a way of improving the relationship in front of me. You can follow these techniques without a couples therapist too (although working with one is bound to increase your chances of success). As you increase the frequency of these positive behaviours within your relationship you will feel a change. It will become more positive which will add to the good feeling and increase the chances of closeness in the future. Good luck and contact me using the form on my navbar if there is any way you think I can help or you have any questions.

Relationship Break Up Signs – The Four Horsemen of Divorce

04/09/2010 By Ian Tomlinson

John Gottman is a psychologist in America who has studied married couples in great depth. This man has got the art of reading couples so off pat that he can tell within three minutes of observing them talk whether they will stay together or separate. He gets it right 96% of the time! When guru’s talk, the wise listen! So what’s Gottman got that ordinary mortals haven’t? Is he an empath? Does he have magical powers? Well, no, but he does have a ruddy great big “lab” that he sticks couples in to observe how they behave.

This lab isn’t a lab in the usual sense, think big brother house rather than science geek basement. Gottman and his team have observed over 700 couples in the lab. The couple is pretty much asked to bring their normal stuff from home so they can have a “typical” weekend together. They are wired for sound and filmed through one way mirrors. Afterwards they answer extensive questionnaires and their relationships are monitored over several years to see how they progress. What has Gottman found out from all of this research? Tonnes of useful information that I can pass on to you!

One of the things Gottman has spotted in relationships that are failing is the presence of what he calls “The four Horsemen of divorce”. In this post I am going to explain what these four horsemen are. In the next post I’ll tell you how you can keep them from your relationship door (click here to read).

Horseman 1: Criticism.

Gottman has observed that couples that criticise each other split up more often. Complaining is OK, criticism is fatal to your relationship. So what’s the difference? When we complain about something there are no judgment calls on our partner. A complaint will focus on a specific action that your partner carried out. So “I feel angry that you didn’t load the dishwasher last night” is a complaint and “you didn’t load the dishwasher last night. You’re so lazy and useless around the house and you never help” is a criticism. There’s nowhere for your partner to go when you criticise. The chances are that they will bring in horseman number 2: defensiveness.

Horseman 2: Defensiveness

This is where when your partner complains or criticises you defend yourself vigorously and accept no responsibility for the problem. So to “I feel angry you didn’t load the dishwasher last night” a defensive response would be “well why didn’t you remind me? You knew you wanted me to do it!”. It’s pretty much saying to your partner “the problem is not me, it’s you“.

Horseman 3: Contempt

Contempt is where you infer that your partner is inferior to you in some way. In TA terms it’s when you invite your partner to be “not OK” whilst you remain “OK”. It can be spotted in body language, facial expression and certain speech patterns such as sarcasm and cynicism. Blatant contempt would be name calling, mockery and hostile humour. Gottman labels contempt as the worst of the four horsemen. When contempt is present it’s impossible to have a productive discussion with your partner. Basically contempt is saying to your partner “you are disgusting” and that is a very strong negative message to send and an impossible position to come back from. When we demean our partner the love and affection within the relationship leaks away.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

This is where one partner does not respond to what the other partner is saying. They are impassive. As emotionless as a stone wall. The stonewaller may continue to read or watch TV as if their partner is not talking to them. The message sent by the stonewaller is “you are not important to me and your comments are not valid”. Stone walling is most commonly carried out by men (like criticism is most commonly carried out by women). It could be seen as one way to cope with being bombarded with complaints or criticism but it’s a hopeless way of relating to others and highly likely to result in the relationship becoming worse.

So there they are – Gottman’s four horsemen of divorce. You may well read down the list and see some or even all of these in your relationship. Don’t worry. The first stage of change is to recognise what you are doing wrong and then make the decision to do it differently. There is hope and each of these relationship poisons has an antidote. Read the post “Four ways to improve your relationship – Antidotes to the Four Horsemen” to find out what they are.