closeness

The Space Between – Hedy Schleifer

19/08/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

Today’s post is a simple video that I found completely inspiring and sums up many of the Imago Relationship Therapy philosophies beautifully. Hedy Schleifer, along with her husband Yumi, are two of the worlds top relationship therapists. They have a background in Imago Relationship Therapy and also incorporate other modalities into their thinking about relationships. This video shows Hedy’s address to the TEDtalk in Tel Aviv, it’s 19 minutes long and well worth a watch.

I love the quote she uses

“Beyond right thinking and wrong think there is a field, I’ll meet you there”

Rumi

If we can see through all the crap that we go through with our partners and see the person opposite then this is a strong foundation to build connection from.

If you want to read more about Hedy and Yumi then I recommend you check out their website which you can find here.

Please watch the video and tell me what you feel about it in the comments section below – I would love to have your ideas and get a discussion about what makes relationships work.

Imago Relationship Therapy – The Sender

29/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

I use Imago Relationship Therapy when conducting marriage guidance in Manchester. The last article looked at the role of the receiver in the Imago relationship dialogue process. In this week’s article I will give you my take on the sender’s role.

In the Imago dialogue process both partners take on a set role then swap around. This allows both partners to be the sender and the receiver. It also creates a safe way of talking to each other and allows both partners to feel fully listened to and validated by their partner. This is much more likely to result in a successful outcome and deepen the connection between the couple.

The sender is the person who is doing the talking. If you are sending then you get to express yourself to your partner and have your thoughts and feelings mirrored back to you. Compare that with how couples usually communicate with each other;

The “lets have an argument” way

Pete “I hate it when you come home late from work and don’t let me know you are going to be late”

Jane: “Well you came home late from work last Tuesday and I didn’t pick you up on it, why are you always nagging me?”

Pete: “That’s just typical of you – last Tuesday was a one off, you’re always late and you wonder why I nag?”

You can see that just three transactions into the conversation things have spiraled out of control and many of Gottman’s four horsemen of divorce have reared their ugly heads.

The Imago Way

In imago the sender has responsibility to do things differently and the receiver is not going to answer back, just mirror, validate and empathise. In the early stages the conversation may look like this;

Pete: “I have something I want to talk to you about, are you available to listen to me?”

Jane: “Sure, what’s up Pete?”

Pete: “I’m feeling frustrated about you coming home from work late and I want to work it through with you”

Jane “So I hear you say you feel frustrated about me coming home from work late and you want to work it through with me, did I get you?”

Pete: “Yeah, you heard me”

Jane: “Is there more about that?”

Pete: “yeah, when you turn up late from work I feel angry and the story I make up is that you have forgotten about me”

Jane: “So, when I turn up late from work you feel angry and the story you make up is that I have forgotten about you, did I get you?”

Pete: ” Yeah, you got me”

Jane: “Is there more?”

Can you see how the whole dynamic of the conversation is different? Pete is sending information in a safe way and taking responsibility for what he sends. He talks about his feelings and does not accuse or criticize Jane. He stays away from the four horsemen and has a soft start up – another key way of keeping the conversation safe for both parties. Jane listens and attunes to Pete and mirrors carefully to demonstrate that she is listening and she is understanding Pete. With each “is there more?” the dialogue deepens and the real issues behind Pete’s feelings will be revealed. This increases the chances of Jane wanting to change her behaviour because she really “gets” what is going on for Pete and, as she loves him, wants to reduce the pain he feels about this issue.

Won’t it take hours to discuss anything?

You may think that this is a slow way to communicate with each other but I beg to differ. If you can discuss issues in this safe way then they can be resolved cleanly and both partners can feel listened to and cared for. Compare that to the first conversation where the transactions are swapped rapidly. When you add in the two days of sulking/arguing/unhappiness that follow without anything being resolved then you can see it is a very slow way to solve problems.

It’s the sender’s job to keep it about them, send in small enough chunks to be mirrored and check that the mirror is correct. If it’s not, the mirror can be corrected with care for the receiver, e.g. “You almost got that, let me send it again more clearly…” It’s also the sender’s job to stay on topic and avoid bringing other issues in – otherwise the dialogue can lose focus and could go on forever.

Want to read more about Imago Relationship Therapy? Read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix. If you are interested in working with me, ring 07966 390857 to check availability or use my contact form to get in touch.

Imago Relationship Therapy – Validation

25/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

This is the fifth article in a series of posts I am writing about the Imago dialogue process. The Imago dialogue process is the core of Imago relationship therapy. It is the trunk of the Imago tree! I use Imago Relationship Therapy for counselling couples in Manchester because it works. If you are prepared to put in the effort to do things differently then Imago dialogue can give you a fantastic framework to connect with your partner instead of slipping into argument.

As a quick recap, I have already talked about the roles each partner takes in the dialogue process. One is the receiver and the other the sender. This means that one partner gets to talk and the other listens carefully using mirroring. The sender sends thoughts and feelings in chunks to the receiver and the receiver mirrors these back carefully checking that the mirroring is accurate with “did I get you?”. The receiver is then invited to say more with “is there more?”

Once the sender has finished talking about a topic then the receiver will summarize what (s)he heard endeavoring to capture the essence of what they heard. You can read more about any of those stages by checking out the relevant article.

The next stage of the process is validation. This may sound like

“you make sense, and what makes sense is…….”

A variation of this may be “I understand that you …given that….”. Let’s have a look at why validation is important in a relationship.

Go back to your childhood and think about how many times you were invalidated as you grew up. Since training in Imago Relationship therapy how I validate my own children has come into my awareness very clearly and I have a great example of what happens to kids on an almost daily basis. Let me set the scene. I’m at home on a winter’s day, the heating is blasting out and I’m feeling rather toasty warm. My five year old daughter turns round to me and says “Daddy, I’m going to put my jumper on, I’m cold”. My brain starts to work and parent mode clicks in. My thought process lines up the next sentence that I need to send to my daughter. I’m warm, in fact I’m rather hot so she must be hot too – it’s obvious, she has got how she feels completely wrong! The sentence is all lined up….”you’re not cold, you’re hot and so you’re not putting your jumper on”.

Fortunately I’m now more aware of validation and I’m starting to realise that I am me and other people are other people. This means that it’s perfectly possible for my daughter to be cold when I am hot…go figure! I say “Ok darling if that’s what you want to do” and she is validated. This all happens in a tenth of a second and it shows how we naturally dismiss the feelings of our children and were dismissed by our parents when we were kids.

We also do this with our partners. Your partner is annoyed when you have the TV on loudly? How can they be, that’s how you like the TV so they must like it too! Your partner hates the dishes piling up around the kitchen? Impossible! You like it just fine!! I’m sure you’re getting the drift.

We are separate from our partners and so when they are expressing their feelings in the dialogue process about something they don’t like then by validating it you are recognizing that their frustration is legitimate and makes perfect sense.

It’s worth mentioning at this point that when we validate our partner it is not the same as agreeing with them. It’s about sending the message to them that they see the world differently from you and you get why they see it as they do.

If you want to read the original book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, just click on the link to be taken to Amazon.