Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

5 Reasons To Have Pre-marriage Counselling Before Getting Married

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pre-marriage counselling manchesterI read with great interest last week that Prince William and Kate Middleton are to have premarital counselling before they get married in April. They will receive this counselling from the Bishop of London, Dr. Richard Chartres, and the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams. This is a couple that will have enormous pressure placed on their marriage.  From having their relationship analysed, dissected and speculated about endlessly in the press and by demanding jobs that require long periods of time away from each other, I guess they are going to need all the help and support they can get.

But what about us ordinary mortals? Why should we bother with marriage counselling before we are even married?  Having worked with couples in crisis it is becoming more and more apparent to me that learning “relationship skills” at the beginning of the journey can save a great deal of pain, upset and distress further down the road.

In this post I will outline five reasons I think all couples, straight or gay, who intend to make a long term commitment to each other should consider premarital counselling.

  1. Pre-marriage counselling can teach you how to talk to each other. The central focus of my work with couples is teaching them how to talk to each other so both can stay safe, both feel heard and both learn to listen. Learning these skills at any stage of the relationship is going to be transformative. Why not learn it at the beginning rather than when things get tough? I teach couples Imago couples dialogue to do this, other therapists may use different techniques.
  2. Pre-marriage counselling can explain why you chose each other in the first place. In Imago Relationship Therapy, the theory is that we choose our partner to allow ourselves to heal childhood wounds. In order to do this we have to choose someone with both good and bad attributes of our parents and key influencers in childhood (read more about this in Dr. Adam Sheck’s post here) .  The down side of this is that once we have made the commitment to stay in a relationship, such as marriage, it’s likely that we are going to start noticing the negative stuff our partner displays more than the positive stuff. If we have had pre-marriage counselling and understand this will happen and why it will happen, it allows us to ride it out and appreciate that it’s at this point in our relationship that we have our best opportunity for growth.
  3. You learn about what events in the journey are likely to test you out as a couple. For straight couples this could be the birth of the first child or a new role as a step-parent, for gay couples it may be dealing with family pressures or how to manage homophobia directed your way as a couple. What ever it is, pre-marriage counselling gives you a “heads up” and creates a space for you to plan some strategies to put in place should the issue come your way.
  4. You will learn about how to resolve disagreements. We all learnt strategies to get our needs met as children. As adults these strategies may not be appropriate any more. Pre-marital counselling teaches how to deal with differences of opinion or even downright disagreements. In Imago Relationship Therapy the technique you would learn to do this is called a “behaviour change request”. It’s a safe way of communicating your needs and desires to your partner and listening in turn to theirs. It gives both partners the information needed to change their behaviour as a gift for their partner.
  5. You get to express your feelings of love and affection for your partner. That’s why you’re making a long term commitment to each other in the first place right? In Imago “appreciation dialogues” give the opportunity to thank your partner for things they have done for you that you’re really liked and just outright tell your partner how great they are! If you can get into that habit at the beginning of your relationship, you’re on the road to success straight away!

Premarital counselling is much more common in the USA than in the UK and I would love to change that. It amazes me that we go into something as important as marriage or civil partnership without preparing in any way for the emotional difficulties that are inevitable in a long term union with another human being. So, for the price of a wedding cake, go invest in a pre-marriage workshop or set of counselling sessions in your local area – it may be the best investment you could ever make.

Five Reasons Why Couples Workshops In Manchester Will Improve Your Relationship

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couples workshops in ManchesterManchester Psychotherapy is not all about counselling in Manchester. I also present workshops for couples and they are a great way of learning about your relationship. I have recently added a workshop section to my website so I can keep everyone informed of what workshops are on over the next few months. But why should you be interested in going on a workshop?

Here are five good reasons why I think workshops rock!

  1. Workshops are great value for money. When you look at the price of a workshop initially they may seem expensive but let’s cost them out. If you spent the whole day having therapy then you would be looking at paying around £350 (and your brain may be a bit frizzled too). Most workshops cost about £200 a day so you are saving yourself a fair few quid.

     

  2. Workshops are fun! Imago workshops are great fun and it’s important to realise that relationships are about emphasizing the pleasure aspect of your relationship as well as sorting out the frustrations. If you think of the strange way in which we can behave when in a relationship then it’s great to recognise this and laugh about it. It makes it that bit easier to change.

     

  3. You get to work with some of the biggest names in Relationship Therapy. Many of the workshops are run by international presenters who have flown in especially to present the workshop. These are the rock stars of the relationship therapy world, the relationship therapy equivalent of having a singing lesson with Beyoncé! Joe Kort (workshop in May for gay and lesbian couples) is internationally recognized as an authority on gay and lesbian issues and has applied his expertise to the “getting the love you want” standard format to produce a great learning experience for couples attending that workshop – grab your opportunity to take part while you can! Sophie Slade is training and presenting workshops across the globe and has decades of experience in relationship therapy. She is also a warm, accepting woman with a fantastic sense of humour. When she comes to London and Bristol in autumn you would do well to take the opportunity to work with her.

     

  4. You learn a lot and learn it quickly. When attending a workshop you get a day’s worth of information that all links together and participate in activities throughout the day. If you come to me for therapy I will be giving you some of the same information but it’s a lot harder for me to make it flow together simply because you will also be doing therapy and there are one week gaps between each session. Workshops can give you a great understanding of the Imago way of doing things quickly and coherently. If you are having Imago relationship therapy then the “getting the love you want” workshop or my “start right stay connected” premarital workshop will accelerate your therapy experience and help you understand more clearly why we do things a set way in the Imago dialogue process.

     

  5. You get to be with other people like you. Workshops involve being part of a group and so you get to see other people practise Imago dialogue and hear other people’s stories. This is great for normalising your relationship issues because it’s likely that lots of other people have the same problems as you in their relationship too. In my “Start right, Stay connected” premarital workshop you will be participating with other couples who have decided to get married or have a civil partnership. It gives you an opportunity to swap information with likeminded couples and have a laugh at familiar issues that come up around planning the big day.

There are many workshops available for couples and I do my best to put them on my website as soon as I hear about them. My “Start right, stay connected” workshop for premarital couples will be taking place in August and has limited places. Book early to avoid missing out!

Read the book: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix explains the Imago Relationship theory in full.  It’s a great read and will help you move from power struggle to conscious relationship.

 

Image: tungphoto / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Are There Lizards In Your Relationship?

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Your Brain and Your RelationshipWhen workign with couples I use Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago places a great emphasis on safety. An Imago couples counsellor will work hard at keeping both partners safe and ensure that they keep each other safe as they are talking. This post looks at why it’s important to feel safe in our relationships and how this allows growth for both partners.

Let’s start at the beginning, and I mean the very beginning for us humans. We are going to talk about the human evolutionary journey. There is now plenty of evidence to suggest that our brains formed in three stages;

  • First our lizard brain formed (the brain stem) – we were pretty basic creatures at this stage so needed tactics to stay alive. When under threat this part of our brain tells us to fight, run away, freeze (think rabbit in headlight) or submit.
  • Next came our mammalian brain (the limbic system) – this allowed us to have emotions, become social animals and form relationships (think wolves in packs).
  • Finally our logical brain (the cerebral cortex) – this is our thinking part, the only animal with a bigger cerebral cortex than humans is the dolphin (so don’t play chess with them ‘cos they will beat you). This is our speech, writing, maths, time and logical process centre. It’s the part of the brain that allows us to make decisions and veto those biological urges we have that may not be useful for us, e.g playing dead when sitting examinations has never been a great strategy if we want to progress up the education ladder!

I guess you can see where this post is now heading! When we apply this model to our relationships it becomes obvious that shouting at our partner is not going to get us what we want. If they get scared then old lizard brain kicks in and you may as well be talking to a gecko! Their brains are not going to have the capacity to think things through and they are just going to be focusing on survival. Logic and mammalian brain are switched off and they get ready to run away, do nothing, attack back or just agree with everything you say in an attempt to shut you up. Been there? I know I have!

Everyday strategies to avoid lizarding your loved one!

Many of these techniques are naturally built into Imago Relationship Therapy, but you don’t need to be working with a therapist to do them. Try the following:

  • Book an appointment with your partner when you want to talk about something important to you. It may be that they are ready to listen to you right there and then. If not, agree a time when both of you are in the right frame of mind to discuss the issue.
  • Avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness when talking to your partner. Once you introduce any of these bad boys into the conversation you are going to be talking to a lizard faster than you can say “Godzilla”! Check out my post on these four relationship wreckers here.
  • Stick with “I” statements. Talking about yourself rather than your partner is much less confrontational and will keep your partner safe.
  • Have a soft start up. Ease your way into the discussion rather than hitting your partner full in the face with your demands! “I realise you are working really hard to bring money in for the family and I miss you when you aren’t around at dinner time” feels very different to “you are always bloody late for dinner you selfish pig”! John Gottman found that he could predict the outcome of an argument from the first sentence very accurately. Soft startups allowed discussion to happen (lizard free), whilst harsh startups pretty much always rapidly descended into arguments where both partners felt hugely wronged.
  • Repair as you go along. Once more, Gottman found that couples adept in the art of repairing whilst arguing stayed together. It was one of the most common skills found in couples that had been happily married long term. A repair attempt might be something like “yeah – I could see how you would think that, I was pretty grouchy yesterday” or “I know you are stressed at work at the moment and you don’t mean to snap at me”. It’s basically putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and validating their point of view.

If you can do a few of the suggestions above you are well on the way to a lizard free relationship. You’re not going to get it right all the time, no one does, but these techniques can make a significant difference to the feel of the relationship and make it a safer place to be. With safety comes the potential for change and growth for you both.