transactional analysis

Do We Choose Our Own Destiny?

29/10/2010 By Ian Tomlinson

Script is often compared to destiny or fate by those who misunderstand this Transactional Analysis idea. So what does a TA therapist mean by script?

As we grow up, we observe the world and work out how we can survive it. We make decisions when we are young that can stay with us for the rest of our lives unless we challenge these beliefs when we are adults and learn to do things differently.

Script is a central concept in TA.

Script is:

“A life plan based on decisions which limit a person’s ability to problem solve and relate intimately with people” (Erskine, R. 1980).

One of the main roles of a TA psychotherapist is to challenge script beliefs in their clients and help them move towards autonomy.

Many of the decisions that we make about the world are made completely out of our awareness and for good reason. For example, if, as a child, Bob is punished every time he cries, he learns very quickly not to cry or show emotions. He may develop a script belief that men shouldn’t cry and feel uncomfortable around men who show their emotions and find it difficult to deal with his own when things get tough in his personal life.

His script decision has kept him safe as a child and was a great way of surviving, but as an adult he is not in danger if he shows his emotions and his inability to do so may well cause difficulty between him and his partner who feels he is cold and remote from her.

If I was doing therapy with Bob, I may well bring Bob’s script beliefs around emotions into his awareness where they can both discuss where they originated from and how they can be changed if that’s what Bob wants. The result of changing these beliefs for Bob might be a better relationship with his partner, who feels closer to him, and a reduction in stressful feelings as Bob now realises it’s OK to feel sad and scared and is able to talk about these feelings more easily with people he trusts.

And that’s the key to script – we made the decisions so we can change them. We have that power.

By having our script beliefs brought into our awareness and challenging those that limit us we have the opportunity to lead more spontaneous, flexible and intimate lives.

We choose our own destiny. Our fate is in our own hands. A good therapist helps us realise our dreams that bit quicker.

What do you think? Do you believe in destiny? Is there such a thing as fate? Please let me know your opinions and ideas by commenting below.

Erskine, R, Script Cure: Behavioral, Intrapsychic and Physiological. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1980, 10 (2) 102-106.

Image: jscreationzs / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How To Shut Your Boss Up In One Sentence

23/10/2010 By Ian Tomlinson

Now I want to start this post by saying your boss isn’t all bad, I mean we are in the land of I’m OK, you’re OK right? But it has to be said, sometimes (s)he does go on a bit! So it’s only right that we help out and save a bit of time by trimming the conversation somewhat. I’m sure you get my drift! Transactional analysis is not called that for nothing. When we look at how two people are communicating and breaking it down into each single transaction to work out what’s going on, we call this Transactional Analysis Proper. I use this technique constantly when providing therapy. This post is going to outline the different ways in which we transact and how we can use this information to manage the transactions we have.

What’s to manage you may ask? Well once you understand how we communicate with others you have the power to prolong conversations for as long as you like or stop them dead in their tracks. You want to keep the conversation going with that great looking girl/guy at the party? No problem! You want your boss to get off your back so you can get some work done? Just follow the rules and your wish will come true!

First the homework, if you haven’t read the post Ego states Urges and me – part 1 go do that now because to understand what I will be talking about here you’re going to have to have a basic understanding of what an ego state is. Done that? Good! You have my permission to read on…….

Now the definitions.

A transaction is;

“an exchange of strokes between two persons consisting of a stimulus and a response between specific ego states”. (Woollams and Brown, 1978)

Eric Berne came up with the rules of communication to help us understand the different ways in which we can transact with each other. So hold on to your thinking hat and let’s have a look at these rules:

When transactions are complimentary they can go on indefinitely. What does this mean? Well, when we talk to someone from our Parent ego state we may be inviting them to respond from their Child ego state. If they do, all well and good, the conversation can progress. As long as the Parent – Child dialogue continues without any shift in ego state from either party the conversation can go on endlessly. This might look like….

A – “Sit down in your seat.”

B – “I don’t want to.”

A – “You will do as you are told.”

B – “you’re always telling me off, I didn’t do anything.”

A- “Don’t answer me back cheeky boy.”

Etc, etc, etc

Why is this useful to know? If you are in a situation where you want to make friends or find out more about someone then keep your transactions complementary. If they invite an Adult response, respond from your Adult. If they come from Child, play with them and come from your Child. You’re likely to make a good connection in this way and increase the friendly feelings the other person has towards you.

When transactions are crossed, the conversation cannot progress. So, when Jenny asks Jim “how are you and Jim replies “why do you care?” there’s not really anywhere else that conversation can go without one of the participants shifting ego state. The Adult question has been crossed with a Child response – game over. It would be the same in the following example:

Pete – “You’re late again! You better make the time up!” (Controlling Parent inviting Child response)

Paul – “How dare you speak to me like that? Never shout at me again!” (Controlling Parent response)

It’s likely that in this example, Pete would be rather taken aback and probably not know how to respond. He would have to reassess the situation and either change ego state to Child (say sorry maybe) or push on in Parent. Either way the conversation will stop and start in a jerky fashion.

Why is this useful to know? If you want a conversation to stop then cross the transaction you have just received. Be aware though that you may pay for doing this. Your relationship with the person you are talking to will probably suffer. An exception to this is when you respond to a transaction with intimacy. Action/feeling statements are great for dong this and invite intimacy from the other person. This then is the key to shutting that boss of yours up. If you are getting fed up of the ranting, just cross the transaction and wait for the confusion to spread across his face – but be careful, it might be a quick route to the dole queue!

In an Ulterior transaction, it is the psychological message that is heard. An ulterior transaction is when we say one thing but mean another. It’s the other message that gets picked up. The most well known example is “want to come in for coffee?” after a night out with a new partner. That invite is unlikely to be about discussing the richness of a mocha (unless you’re Tom Hanks in “Big”).

Salesmen are great at using ulterior transactions. “it’s very expensive” is a great way of closing a sale with customers who have an issue around seeming cheap. They will hear the ulterior “you can’t afford it” and respond from Child, buying the item to prove that they can.

Why is this useful to know? When someone has just used an ulterior transaction you are likely to hear the message and feel the ulterior. This is where your intuition clicks in. Give yourself permission to listen to your intuition; it may help you do things that are against your interest. If you are a salesman, you can use this technique to sell more widgets – do it ethically though eh?!

Knowing the three rules of communication can help greatly with getting our message across to other people. They give us the power to manage communication, to stop conversations that aren’t going the way we want them to and to build relationships successfully with others.

What do you think? Got any examples of how you could use these techniques? Write down your ideas and comments below so we can chat about them 🙂

Transactional Analysis Games

03/10/2010 By Ian Tomlinson

Have you ever said to yourself “I can’t believe this has happened to me again!” or “why does this always happen to me?”. If so, there are high chances you have been involved in playing what’s known in the TA world as a game. We all play games. We play them often. Eric Berne famously said “do not ask whether you are playing a game, ask which game you are playing”. If we can spot our games and nip them in the bud we can move towards intimacy with the people around us and be more contented as a result. Read on to find out more about games.

Last week’s article looked at how us humans structure our time (click here to read). Berne observed that humans hate to be bored and will carry out one of six methods for avoiding it. Playing games is one of those methods. Games deserve a whole post to themselves because they are interesting, important and demand a fair bit of explanation.

What is a game?

Woollams and Brown* (1978) define games as:

“a series of duplex transactions which leads to a switch and a well-defined, predictable payoff which justifies a not-OK, or discounted, position”.

Let’s have a look at what that actually means. Firstly, what’s a duplex transaction? A duplex transaction is where we say one thing and mean another. Only about 8% of our communication is through words, the rest is through, tone, body language and facial expressions. Berne observed that whenever we say one thing (the social message) and mean another (the psychological massage), it’s always the psychological message that gets heard. A classic example might be the old “do you want to came in for a coffee?” at the end of a date. The social message is about coffee, the psychological message is about sex (unless you are Tom Hanks in Big!).

So we tend to open games with duplex transactions, not saying what we really mean, scared that the intimacy involved will get us rejected or hurt. Usually then, the game will proceed to deliver us some positive strokes until the “switch” clicks in.

The switch is the point at which things suddenly feel like they are going wrong. It’s the point at which we may feel confused, scared, angry, or whatever our racket feeling usually is. This usually leads quickly to us taking a “payoff”. This is a confirmation that whatever negative (untrue) thoughts we have held on to about life are true.

Let’s give an example of a game and take it apart using the language introduced above. Let’s take the common game “Yes, But”. This is where one person has a problem and another person is invited to solve it. Everything the other person suggests is rejected with a “Yes, I could do that, but..(insert reason for not doing that)”. We all know people who play this. We may even play it ourselves.

Whilst it may appear the player is asking for help on the social level, what they are really doing on the psychological level is proving that they can’t be helped and no one else can control them. The switch comes when the other person gives up trying. The payoff for the player is proof that no one can help them even though they remain passive. This may be accompanied by feelings of sadness or anger, the feelings that the player learnt were acceptable to caregivers as a child.

The other player in this game may feel helpless and frustrated that they have been unable to help the starter of the game – these feelings are likely to be very familiar too and reinforce a belief that they are not a very good friend, problem solver, therapist, etc. It takes two to play a game.

Why do we play games?

Games are a way in which we can get strokes without risking intimacy and confirm our beliefs (mostly wrongly held ones) about life.

How do we stop Playing games?

The first thing we need to do is identify what games we are playing. Ask yourself what patterns keep emerging in your life? What predictable events occur? What feelings do you often end up having? A good TA therapist will speed up this process dramatically because we play games out of awareness. They will be able to spot the games and bring them into the light where you can chew them over and decide whether you want to keep on playing or you choose to do things differently, avoiding the negative payoff along the way.

In this article I have barely scraped the surface of this interesting and deep theory. If it’s a topic you want to find more out about, I suggest you read Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, the book Eric Berne wrote just about this fascinating subject.

* Woollams,S and Brown, M (1978). Transactional Analysis. Huron Valley Institute Press.

For Transactional Analysis Therapy in Manchester with me, contact me using my contact form or ring me on 07966 390857

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