Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

How To Stop Your Driver Behaviour

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transactional analysis and driver behaviourOver the last two articles I have discussed the Transactional Analysis idea of  driver behaviour and how our drivers can govern the way we live our lives. I have also talked about “allowers”; the antidote to our driver behaviours. For example, one of the drivers “Please Others” has an allower “Please Yourself” which could be useful to follow for someone who is spending an enormous amount of time and energy keeping everyone else happy at their own expense.

The question that many clients ask me when I deliver therapy in Manchester is how they can put that new allower behaviour into place. My belief is that the first step is developing an awareness of the problem. Once we are conscious to the fact that there is this driver behaviour that is running like a computer program in the background telling us to “Be Strong” or “Hurry Up” we can choose to ignore it. By ignoring it we are going against learnt behaviour that we put in place to keep ourselves safe as children and so there is a high chance that we will have an emotional response as a result.

The emotional response that many of us feel when denying our driver and following our allower is anxiety. It is important to realise though that this is a feeling and it will go away with time. Feelings are never permanent.

My “Hurry Up” driver used to show itself very badly when driving. I would exceed the speed limit as a matter of course and after a couple of speeding tickets I decided to change this behaviour. I slowed right down to the speed limit and allowed myself to sit with the anxiety this caused me. That little voice in my head was whispering “Come on Ian, what you waiting for? Floor it! Let’s get there you idiot” but I ignored it, put some music on and allowed myself to enjoy the journey. The result – I can now drive within the speed limit and feel no anxiety whatsoever. I often sit in the left hand lane of the motorway at 70 mph and remember what it was like being constantly in the right hand lane, driving too fast and always having someone trying to get past (no matter how fast I drove, there was always someone who wanted to drive faster). I have no desire to go back to that at all, it was bloody stressful! I am also saving money on petrol!

When we learn to go against driver behaviour we set up new neural pathways in our brain. The more we do it the easier it gets. Working with a good therapist or counsellor will also help you identify the behaviour and track down where the message came from. Some behaviours may be more of a challenge to change than others and you are an intelligent human being with limitless possibilities for change and growth. So here is my personal challenge to you. Identify one driver that you have and think about what behaviour you could benefit from changing. Follow that allower instead and come back here and tell me how it feels. What goes on for you? Were you successful? I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Buy the book:  TA Today : A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis is a great guide to transactional analysis and the standard text for those learning about it.  Click the link to buy it from amazon (affiliate link).

Download my free guide to Transactional Analysis here.

Transactional Analysis Allowers, The Antidote To Drivers

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allowers are the antidote to transactional analysis drivers

Take your time

In last week’s article I looked at drivers, one type of program that runs in our heads and can have an impact on the way we think, feel and behave. I see drivers in all of the clients that I work with when providing therapy and that is because we all have them. Drivers are learnt behaviour from our childhood. When we are in our driver behaviour then we feel safe, this is called “conditional OKness” in Transactional analysis because we only feel OK if we are in our driver. Stepping out of the driver behaviour can feel like a bit of a challenge but the more we do this the more likely we are to feel content in our lives.

In this article I am going to discuss allowers. These are the antidotes to drivers. Let’s go through them one by one.

Driver: Hurry Up. Allower: Take Your Time. “Hurry Ups” can benefit greatly from slowing everything right down and taking the time to enjoy things. This can be applied across the board from driving (far less speeding tickets and increased safety) to eating (better digestion and weight loss if the feeling of being full is not ignored).

Driver: Be Strong. Allower: Be Open And Express Your Wants. “Be Strongs” Tend to shut off their feelings and plough on regardless of what is going on in their life. By following the allower and getting in touch with their feelings “Be Strongs” can reclaim a lost part of themselves and connect with others more easily. Decisions become easier to make too as we make decisions from a feeling place rather than a thinking place. “Be Strongs” sometimes find it difficult to ask for what they want and tend to take themselves off by themselves in order to get their needs met. By activating the allower a “Be Strong” can start to ask for what they want with other people and see that they don’t have to be alone to get what they want.

Driver: Be Perfect. Allower: You Are Good Enough As You Are. If “Be Perfects” can learn to ease off the self criticism and produce whatever they do to a good enough level then they can save themselves a huge amount of stress, time and energy. There are many things that really do not require perfection and are either done or not done. Realising that there is a law of diminishing returns with certain activities frees the “Be Perfect” up to have a life and improve relationships rather than being involved in activities.

Driver: Try Hard. Allower: Do It. “Try Hards” often get into a struggle with things and flap around the periphery without getting stuck in and completing things. By just doing it they can teach themselves that they can be successful and don’t need to do all of the faffing to achieve.

Driver: Please others. Allower: Please Yourself. “Please Others” tend to put other people before themselves and not get their own needs met. By doing things for themselves and asking for what they want the resentment of being “missed” by others is removed and they can learn that they are OK if others are not happy with what they do. This is a better situation for all concerned as the huge arguments that often results from months of stored up dissatisfaction are avoided.

OK, I hear you shouting already.. “I often behave in a (insert driver here) way and have no understanding of how the hell I (insert allower here)! How do I do this?”

Some ideas about how we move into our allower behaviour will be the subject of my next article!

Download your free guide to Transactional analysis here.

Buy the book:  TA Today : A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines.  This is the standard text for trainee transactional analysists and a great book for explanations of TA theory. Click on the link to be taken to Amazon (affiliate link).

Driver Behaviour – Which One Are You?

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transactional analysis driversAre you one of those people who feel the need to do everything fast? Do you rush about here and there, talk fast and eat fast? Maybe you are someone who needs everything to be perfect and cannot settle unless the things you do are exactly right? In Transactional Analysis we call these aspects of your personality “drivers”.

When delivering therapy to my clients I will pick up their drivers within minutes of meeting them. This tells me a lot about the way they see the world and gives me an insight into how their childhood might have been. Drivers are a way in which we have learnt to be as children in order for us to stay feeling OK. They can be a double edged sword. Although often they can be useful they also cost us and we pay in stress or anxiety when we are not able to fulfill the driver behaviour we are programmed with.

Common Drivers

Here is a list of the five drivers we commonly talk about in TA:

  1. Be Strong – A common one for men but this is also found in women. The “be strong” driver tells us that we are not ok to show emotions and we should tough it out and get on with it. Whilst “Be Strongs” are good in a crisis they often have problems connecting with their feelings and can feel numb when things are getting difficult at work or in their personal life. That lack of connection can result in physical illness or depression.

     

  2. Hurry up – The “Hurry Up” driver instructs the owner to do everything fast. “Hurry Ups” rush around and barely have a minute to relax. They often eat fast and talk fast, not giving themselves time to enjoy the things that they are doing. They may get a lot done (though this isn’t always the case) and they often feel tired out and unable to sit still and “smell the roses”.

     

  3. Try hard – “Try Hards” have a go at things but often feel that they haven’t completed them or get bored and give up half way through. “Try Hards” get frustrated and tend to struggle with events and feel that they have failed.

     

  4. Be Perfect – “Be Perfects” like everything just so. They put an enormous amount of effort into the detail and will not settle until things are exactly right. This can mean that their work is to a high standard but they will have paid in anxiety and time to get it that way.

     

  5. Please Others – “Please Others” people like to keep everyone happy often at their own expense. They believe that one day someone will want to please them, but this rarely happens due to the company “Please Others” people choose to keep. Whilst “Please Others” people often have many friends and are great at looking after their family, they tend to not get their own needs met and can feel angry and resentful about this.

Spotted yourself yet? We all exhibit driver behaviour and are likely to have a couple of the above drivers that stand out for us more than others. The difficulty with drivers is that we tend to feel “not OK” when we step out of the behaviour. So a “Please Others” that has obviously behaved in a way that others are not pleased with will feel familiar negative feelings – perhaps of scare or sadness. This isn’t always appropriate and it’s useful for us to be able to step out of our drivers and give ourselves permission to be OK regardless of how we think, feel or behave.

In the second part of this article I will discuss the antidote to each driver and in the final part I discuss how we can practise putting these in place so we can live a more fulfilling and relaxed life.

What to learn more about Transactional Analysis?  Download my free ebook.

Read the book: Born to Win: Transactional Analysis with Gestalt Experiments.  This is a great introduction to Transactional Analysis and is a book close to my heart as it’s the first one that I ever read on the subject.  Click the link to be taken to Amazon (affiliate link) and read the reviews that others have left on it.