Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Dealing With Jealousy

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In this article I am going to discuss jealousy, where it comes from and a few of ways to deal with it. I have to start off by saying I have a bit of a soft spot for jealousy! If it wasn’t for my jealousy issues I would have never gone to a counsellor and it’s highly likely I would not be a counsellor now. Being a therapist is probably the most rewarding job I have ever had, and so I have a lot to thank jealousy for.

Having experienced jealousy to a high level first hand also makes this article easy to write. I remember clearly the incident that resulted in me seeking counselling. My girlfriend had bought some boots. I was furious and we had a huge row about it. This is how it panned out in my head. Boots -> she wants to look more attractive to other men -> she is going to leave me. It sounds crazy when I read it now and I look back with amazement at how worked up I got about such a small thing. It is also a testament to how great therapy is. Within a few weeks of counselling I was able to deal with the feelings behind the behaviour and I have never had a problem with jealousy since.

If we break jealousy down into its constituent feelings it looks like a mixture of anger and scare. I was angry that my girlfriend was attempting to attract other men (a contaminated belief on my part, she just liked the boots!) and I was very scared at the prospect of her leaving me. Here lies the heart of the problem with jealousy. Jealousy is often about feelings of insecurity and unimportance in the person feeling jealous. I felt that my world would end if my girlfriend did manage to attract another man with her new boots and I also completely discounted the fact that she loved me and wanted to be with me, she was not interested in attracting a new partner.

Dealing with jealousy.

Yeah, you guessed it; the first thing I am going to suggest is that you go seek a counsellor or therapist to work the whole jealous thing through with. Therapists are trained to dig around for your hidden beliefs behind the feelings and help you understand where they came from. By bringing this information into your awareness you will be much more able to change your thinking, feeling and behaviour and leave jealousy behind.

If you don’t want to go to a therapist then here are a few other suggestions;

  • Check with a rational friend whether your jealous feelings are about something real or imagined. Is your partner behaving in a way that is inviting the jealousy? If so talk to them about it and ask for the behaviour to change. Action/feeling statements can help here.
  • If you have identified that your jealous feelings are about you, not your partner then talk it through with your partner and ask for what you want. If you need reassurance that your partner loves you it’s ok to ask for it.
  • When you are having a jealous attack then ground yourself and bring yourself back into the now.  Read about a simple grounding technique here.
  • Appreciate that jealousy is basically fantasising about events in the future that have not happened and are unlikely to. Once more, the grounding technique can help you leave these thoughts behind and get on with your life.
  • Focus on your good points and distance yourself from the negative thoughts you have about yourself. You can use the diffusion technique I write about here to do this. This may help you challenge the thoughts behind the jealousy – that you are not worth being with in the first place.

Jealousy is not uncommon in relationships and I hope by reading this article you appreciate that it is a feeling that you can change. This will improve things for both you and your partner.

Good luck with it and if you need my help don’t hesitate to get in contact.

How Imago Relationship Therapy Can Transform Your Relationship

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Imago Relationship Therapy Can Transform Your RelationshipThis post looks at Imago Relationship therapy, what it’s about, how I use some of the techniques it proffers when working with couples.

What’s Imago Relationship therapy about?

Imago Relationship Therapy was devised by Dr Harville Hendrix who wrote Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. I read this book many years ago when it was recommended to me by my therapist and I loved the ideas that Hendrix had about how we find a mate and the stages that we go through when we are in a relationship. Here’s a quick summary of his main ideas:

We choose a mate that we think will heal all of the unresolved issues that we have left over from childhood. Yep – you’ve worked out what this means, we really do marry our Mum or Dad! In fact according to Hendrix, we partner up with a composite, or Imago of all of our significant caretakers squashed together.

Hendrix tells us that all relationships go through stages.

Stage one, the romantic stage, we do our damnedest to keep our new love happy. The focus is “what can I do for you”. This stage lasts for around six months.

Stage two is the power struggle. This stage is about how we attempt to manipulate our partner to heal those unresolved issues left over from our caretakers. The focus is “what can you do for me”. This stage can last for years or even decades and involves such strategies as arguing, fighting, withdrawing, stonewalling, living separate lives. If a couple has not separated during this phase and with time and effort they may progress to

Stage three. A conscious relationship. This is when a couple works together for the good of the relationship and hence for the good of them both. Couples strive for interdependency and have the ability to be separate within the relationship yet remaining in tune with what the relationship is about.

We can learn to have successful relationships by looking after each other. By looking after our partner, we heal our own childhood wounds (poetic eh?)

How do I use Imago Couples Therapy techniques in my practice?

I use Imago Couples therapy with couples that come to me for therapy. This post is too short to detail all of the techniques so I will mention a couple of the most important ones. Without doubt the number one most important idea is couples dialogue. This is where a couple will learn to talk to each other and be heard. And I mean really be heard. It’s broken down into the following sections:

Mirroring. One partner will listen to the other and mirror what the speaker has just said. Exactly what the other person has said, not an interpretation or a summary or anything else.

Validating. The partner that has done the listening validates what the speaker has said. This does not mean the listener agrees with it, just that they can see where the speaker is coming from.

Empathising. The listener shows real understanding of the feelings that the speaker has on the issue and feeds back some of the possible feelings to the speaker. The speaker may agree or disagree with the feelings being proposed but it doesn’t really matter if the listener has got some of them wrong because the process is creating a connection between the couple. That’s what it’s all about.

Here’s a video of Harville himself talking about couples dialogue:

I also use the Imago technique of Behavior Change Requests. This is a way of partners asking each other to change negative behaviours in a safe supportive way that does not set them up to fail.

How do Imago Couples Therapy techniques change your relationship beyond recognition?

If you are seeking couples therapy then the chances are high you are stuck well and truly in the power struggle stage. Both of you are trying and failing to get your needs met which leads to frustration, arguments and tension in the relationship. Imago couples therapy techniques give you tools to use that allow you to do things differently. Just learning couples dialogue on its own can be transformative. Let’s see if we can get our heads round that one. Can you imagine what it feels like to be truly listened to by your partner? To have your partner understand your point of view and be able to empathise with the feelings you have? I think that is a beautiful and powerful step for any relationship and any couple can learn to do it. It feels clumsy at first, but once practised gives a completely new way of communicating and relating to each other.

The other techniques build on this framework and allow an understanding of why you are both behaving as you are and what to do to move things on to a conscious loving relationship. What could be more beautiful than that?

Ego states, Urges and me – part 3

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Ego States Urges and MeIf we go back to the scenario we were facing in the first part of the article.  I have a burning desire to run down to the local Apple store and buy a brand new shiny iPad (this is not made up, that urge is definitely there!!).  My bank balance dictates otherwise.

In the second part of this post I looked at some Transactional Analysis ideas around managing our urges. To round everything off nicely I want to conclude by telling you about the Acceptance and Commitment technique we can use to manage our impulses called urge surfing.

I’ll talk you through how I could do it with my iPad urge.

The first question is to ask myself if buying an apple iPad links with my values. At the moment the answer has to be no.  My values around money are to live within my means and spend money carefully (I don’t always manage to do this, but having a values system increases the chances that I will considerably).  If the answer was yes it does fit in with my values, then I could just go buy it.

Because the answer is no I go on to the next stage.  There is no point in trying to make the urge go away.  It’s a bit like not thinking about a pink elephant.  The more you tell your self to not think about a pink elephant the more you are actually thinking about a pink elephant (like you are thinking about one now!)  So I will make space for the thought.  I can accept it.  In ACT terms this is known as expansion. Russ Harris explains all of this beautifully in his book  The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living.

Russ also explains why the technique is called urge surfing;

Have you ever sat of the beach and watched the waves?  Just noticed them coming and going?  A wave starts off small and build gently.  Then gradually it gathers speed and grows bigger.  It continues to grow and move forward until it reaches a peak, known as a crest.  Then once the wave has crested, it gradually subsides.

Russ goes on to compare this with the urges we get.  They start small, build up to a peak then gradually subside down to nothing – if we learn to surf!

Here’s how I could do it with my urge;

  • Feel the urge in my body.  Sit with it.  Where is it?  I can feel my iPad urge in my chest.  It feels like tightness, an excitement about the prospect of getting a new toy.
  • Give the urge a number.  Out of 10, how much do I really want an iPad?  At the moment of writing I would rate it at 7.  I would really like one but it’s not life and death!
  • Acknowledge that it’s OK to have thoughts and desires about something without having to act on them.  I am not my thoughts; I can make room for this urge and be OK.
  • Work out what I can do instead that does fit in with my values – go for a run? Go relax?  whatever it is I can go do that right now.
  • Next time the urge returns, be it a few minutes or a few hours later, score it out of 10 again.  I may note that the urge has increased or decreased.  It reminds me that the strength of my desires change and are as controllable as the weather.  I do not need to struggle with them, just accept and make space for them.

Eric BerneThis all may sound like a long and drawn out process but let’s face it, we think quickly.  All of this can rush through our minds in a few seconds. Another thing to understand is that we have lots of urges during a day and many of them are no problem at all.  Have the urge to eat a Jammy Dodger? Go eat a Jammy Dodger, it’s not really going to impact on our lives (unless we are allergic to jam!) Have an urge to eat a packet of Jammy Dodgers?  Now, that might be a problem if our values are to stay healthy and maintain a sensible weight and diet so get your metaphorical wet suit on ready for action!

I want to finish this set of articles off by a great example of how it can be great to give in to urges sometimes.  Eric Berne, the father of  Transactional Analysis, bought a Maserati which he loved dearly, he even gave it the name “Mazeltov”.  When asked about how he came around to the decision to buy it he joked;

“all 3 ego states bought the Mazeltov.  The Child wanted it, the Adult needed it, and the Parent says drive carefully.”

I guess it’s cool for us all to have our Mazeltov’s now and again.

If you are interested in having therapy in Manchester with me just ring 07966 390857 for an appointment.