Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Is Closing Escape Hatches Always Possible?

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escape hatches in Transactional analysisThe term “escape hatches” is used in Transactional Analysis to describe the idea that when faced with very difficult or trying situations, some people exit the situation by carrying out one of three behaviours.  These behaviours are to kill or harm self, kill or harm others or go crazy.

It’s normal practice for a transactional analyst to be listening out for talk of these four options when working with a client.  It’s important that this talk is brought into awareness and discussed because the therapist has a responsibility to keep the client and those around the client safe.  This duty of care requires that the therapist invites the client to close the escape hatch when it is detected.

How are escape hatches closed?

The usual way a therapist will close escape hatches is by asking the client to state clearly that they will not kill themselves/harm others/go crazy within a set period of time.  This may be an agreement that they will not ever do this, or for those clients that are having very strong feelings, especially around suicide, they may contract to stay alive until the next session.  The therapist can then contract with them in the new session for the next week, and progress week by week, hopefully moving the client on during the sessions to where the escape hatch can be closed on a longer term basis.

An important part of the escape hatch process is that the client is making a positive decision from an Adult place (an Adult ego state in TA terms) and is demonstrating to themselves that they have some power over their own lives.  For some clients, who feel that they are at the whims and mercy of others, this may in itself be a big step.

Do we all have escape hatches?

I guess the answer to that is “yes”.  Whether we allow ourselves to have them open or not is a different question.  There is a difference between being aware of ways in which we deal with tragic situations and making that clear decision never to kill ourselves, harm others or go crazy.  It also occurs to me that this decision may also change depending on our life circumstances.  If you were diagnosed with a terminal illness and you knew you were going to face immense pain and discomfort as part of your demise could you honestly say that suicide would not be an option?  It makes sense to me that people in such extreme circumstances would at least think such options through as a possibility.

Where do we make decisions around escape hatches?

Berne would say that the decision around whether to have our escape hatches open and which way we think is the best way of exiting is decided as part of our script.  Script decisions are made early in life (between the ages of birth and six) and we spend the time from making them until early adulthood adjusting and refining them.

Other ideas around escape hatches.

Mark Widdowson, in his book “Transactional Analysis – 100 key points” talks about this idea that it’s often difficult to draw clear lines around escape hatches and I see his point.  For me, as a psychotherapist, it’s easy to spot an open escape hatch if the client that is sat in front of me is talking about, say, suicide.  I can intervene, talk it through with them and invite them to close the escape hatch.  But how should I deal with a client that routinely overeats?  What about smoking?  These too are ways in which we do ourselves harm, albeit on a longer term less obvious basis.

As a therapist I believe it is my responsibility to point these methods of self-harm out too, but I may not contract with a client to change this behaviour specifically (ie, close this escape hatch).

Escape hatches are an interesting and important issue that therapists have to be aware of but, as with all things, are not necessarily as clear cut as they may first appear to be.

Do you have questions around escape hatches?  Please let me know what you thought of this blog post and any opinions you have on escape hatches in the comment space below.

Counselling Stockport

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counselling StockportCounselling Stockport

It’s been a while since I have written a blog post and so I thought it might be useful to bring things up to date on what’s going on with me providing counselling Stockport.  I hope this helps those who are unsure of who I am or how counselling or therapy can help them.  In this post I also want to answer the most common questions I get asked about the counselling process.  Please email me using my contact form if you have any questions I do not answer in this post.

Who am I?

My name is Ian Tomlinson and I am a counsellor in Stockport.  I have run Manchester Psychotherapy for the last four years and enjoy being a therapist immensely.  I also work part time as a teacher in Secondary Education and feel that this fits very well with my role as a therapist.

Both jobs are about relationships, both jobs are about bringing the best out in people and both jobs require empathy, kindness and a good sense of humour.  It’s pretty common for therapists to work part time and this may well be something to do with the solitary nature of the job.  Full time therapists have the potential to be on their own a lot and need to plan strategies to deal with this.

For me, I have a close group of colleagues that I work with on a daily basis and around seven hundred little people that are very happy to “keep things real” for me!

Counselling Stockport For Individuals

My Practice is currently about 50% individuals work and 50% couples work.  I tend to work with people over a long period of time but I have worked with clients for as little as eight weeks and they have experienced massive change and not needed to come to therapy after that.

I guess this answers a commonly asked question, “how long will I need to be in therapy for?”  The answer is often “as long as you need to be”.

I have found with my own therapy that sometimes I am in the right place for it and it helps enormously and at other times I feel that I have taken what I need from it and it is time to stop.  You will know when the time to stop is right for you.

There are occasions where I will suggest to a client that they are ready to stop coming.  When we have worked effectively and made the changes set out in the therapeutic contract then it could be time to give therapy a rest for a bit and recalibrate.

What issues do I work with when providing counselling Stockport?

Again, this is another common quesiton from people who are interested in coming for counselling in Stockport with me.  I have dealt with a whole spectrum of issues, from depression, stress, anxiety, gender identity, anger management issues, jealousy and other’s I have probably forgotten to put in the list!

Often what a client comes with and what we end up talking about are very different.  This is because our stresses and strains can manifest themselves in a multitude of ways.

Men’s issues

I do spend a lot of time working with men and men’s issues.  Many men find talking to a counsellor challenging in itself, so to be able to talk to a male therapist takes some of the anxiety away.  I have blogged extensively about how rubbish us men can be at dealing with emotional issues and unfortunately it does cost us dearly.  Suicide rates amongst young adult males are the highest out of all other groups and the prison population is over 90% male.  The sooner we are able to learn that the most powerful men are those that can deal with their emotions effectively, the better.

I regularly work with sexual minority clients too.  Gay men and lesbians form a significant percentage of my client base and I am a gay affirmative therapist.  This means that I will never question an individuals sexuality and see gay and straight as normal as each other (what is normal anyway?).  I have a good understanding of issues faced by the LGBT community and am used to dealing with these.  It may be that sometimes, as a straight man myself, I need information from my clients to help me with understanding the finer details of an issue or situation, but I find I learn from all my clients and this is one of the most enjoyable parts of being a therapist for me.

How to start

So if you were to want to come to my counselling Stockport service then what should you do?  Firstly get in contact by ringing me on 07966 390857 or email me using my contact form.  From there we will have an initial meeting and I will ask you what brings you into therapy and how you think I can help you.  You will have an opportunity to ask me any questions you have about who I am or how I work and I will talk through the business contract and ask you a few standard intake questions (name, address, doctors address – the usual therapy stuff).

From there we will go on a journey together.  I won’t be telling you what to do or what to think but I may challenge negative beliefs you have had for years or give alternative ways of doing things.

With some clients I will be very structured and provide a clear framework, others require time to explore what’s going on for them and time to reflect.

Take a leap of faith – it may change your life.

Going to a counsellor or therapist in Stockport can require serious bravery.  I can remember skulking around the front door of my first therapist, not sure of what I would find but with a deep need to talk to someone about things that were going on for me that were causing me great anxiety.  I could see myself repeating the same negative patterns in my life and I was fed up of shooting myself in the foot.

Therapy changed my life.  It gave me a new way of seeing the events that had taken place and a new way or relating to the most important people in my life.  The counselling I had made such an impression that I got interested in the subject and here I am, nearly twenty years later, helping others change their lives.

So take a leap of faith, give me a ring on 07966 390857 and make an appointment.  I get that you may be nervous and I can assure you that I will look after you throughout the process.

How has counselling made a difference to your life?

If you are reading this post having experienced counselling please comment below and let me know how it made a difference to you.  What was the key moment for you?  What would you say to others who are unsure about picking up the phone and making an appointment?

If you have any questions about me and the counselling Stockport service please get in touch and I will get back to you qucikly.

 

Five books that could change your life!

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5 books that could change your lifeThere are many books out there on therapy, self-help, counselling and personal change so how do you know which ones are worth reading and which ones are best avoided? Personal recommendations count for a lot and I often get asked what books to read. Some of the following five books have been recommended to me and I have happened upon others by luck, chance or good fortune. I see it as my turn to pass on those recommendations, or that luck, to you.

The five books listed here have changed my life for the better. That sounds dramatic but it’s true. I’ll explain how each one has changed my life during the brief review of each book.

If you click on the book picture it will take you straight to amazon if you wish to have a look at it there. I will declare upfront that I have an affiliate link set up but the link is really only there to speed things up for you and to allow me to display a graphic of the book on my site without breaching any kind of copyright.

 

Born to Win: Transactional Analysis with Gestalt Experiments This is the first book I ever read on Transactional Analysis and as such it holds a special place in my heart. It was the start of my Transactional Analysis education and it contributed greatly to me becoming a TA psychotherapist. My first therapist recommended it to me and he also introduced the concepts contained within the book to me during my therapy sessions with him. The whole process led to a paradigm shift in the way that I saw the world and stresses, anxieties and jealousies that I had had since I was a child melted away. Having therapy had such a profound impact on my life that I chose to train as a therapist from that moment on. I think this was also so I could better understand for myself just how therapy works and how I could use it to help other people’s lives change for the better.

Born to win is a well written book with clear explanations of TA theory. I still remember reading it and having those “ahhh, that’s why I do that!” moments. It’s less textbooky than TA today and there are plenty of exercises in there to encourage you to try the theory out for yourself. If you are having TA psychotherapy then understanding the theory does help. I think it sometimes speeds the achievement of your goals up because it provides a framework to hang ideas on to. This would be a great book to start that learning process off.

Achieving Emotional Literacy by Claude Steiner.  This is a special book for me because it helped me understand how to become more emotionally literate and it explains stroke theory brilliantly (a stroke is a unit of recognition, like “hello” or a wave or a kick up the backside). I have already reviewed this book more fully in a previous post so if you want to read a pretty detailed account of this book then go read that post here. Suffice to say I love this book and I see Steiner as a bit of a guru. He’s kind enough to give it away free too so now you have no excuse not to read it!

The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living by Russ Harris.  Speaking of guru’s, whilst being trained in TA I met a great guy trained in CBT and Acceptance and Commitment therapist working with substance abusers in Manchester. He introduced me to ACT and it fit brilliantly with my interests in TA, Buddhist philosophy and mindfulness techniques. The Happiness trap by Russ Harris was the first book I read on the subject, and of all the ACT books I have now read, most definitely the easiest to read.

The book explains how you can use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to reduce stress, anxiety and depression. It makes really good sense and gives practical tips on managing your negative thoughts, reducing your urges to carry out unproductive behaviour and setting values based goals that you can achieve now rather than results based ones that only give temporary fixes of satisfaction. ACT techniques encourage the giving up of struggle and the acceptance of all of our feelings. This book is so well written you don’t need to have any therapy knowledge to get loads out of it.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.  This is a book that I stumbled upon initially in audiobook form. I liked it so much I ended up buying a paper copy too so I could browse more easily through it. I deliberately mention it after “The happiness Trap” because it has many of same principles in common. Some of the best work I have ever done in creating a strong team and a vision within that team was stimulated from reading this book. It’s not a therapy book, it guides you through the process of deciding what you want in life (values based in the same way as ACT), prioritizing what really matters and explaining how you can get there.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix.  Once more I have to thank my first therapist for recommending this book to me. It’s important because it has changed the way I view how a relationship should be and Imago therapy itself has given me a lot of great techniques I can use as a couples therapist with struggling couples. In my opinion, it is the book to read if you are having relationship difficulties and you want to understand why. It suggests new ways to communicate with your partner and also gives good exercises you can do together to strengthen your relationship. I go into more detail about the ideas behind Imago therapy in my post “How Imago Couples Therapy Can Transform Your Relationship” So check that out for more information.

So there they are – five books that have changed my life and can change yours if you let them. Happy reading!

Have you read any of these books? What did you think of them? What books have changed your life? Please let me know in the comment section below.