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Four ways to improve your relationship – Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

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4 ways to improve your relationshipIn my last post I discussed what marriage and relationship expert John Gottman has named “the four horseman of divorce“. Gottman has studied relationships from a scientific perspective for decades so he can identify the traits of successful relationships and also spot what breaks couples up. When Gottman sees criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling in a relationship he knows that a break up is much more likely to occur.

The chances are that you see these four issues in your relationship too. If you are struggling to get along and negativity has crept in then the four horsemen tend to push their way in. All is not lost. You and your partner can turn things around by applying the antidote to these relationship poisons. Here’s an explanation of what they are:

Antidote to Criticism – Complaining

I get that it sounds a bit odd to encourage you to complain more in your relationship but criticism and complaining are worlds apart. When we criticise we use blanket statements that usually include value judgments about our partner. Complaints don’t do that. They specifically target the issue that you are unhappy about and leave your partner in tact as an OK person. Look at these two examples and you can feel the difference:

Criticism: “I asked you to fill the car with petrol so I could use it tonight without having to go to the garage and you have forgotten just like you always do! You’re so selfish, this is typical of you!”

Complaint: “When you use the car and leave it without any petrol I feel angry. Can you fill it up before coming home in future please?”

The critical statement uses “always” as a blanket generalisation (“never” can often be found in criticisms too) and then proceeds to label the partner “selfish” as a blanket judgment. The typical response to such criticism would be defensiveness, because the partner needs to protect him/herself from this personality attack. Defensiveness is the second horseman and just adds more blows to the punch drunk body of the relationship.

The complaint focuses on the issue and the feelings that the complainant felt. It is a great example of what Steiner named an “action/feeling statement”. It also explains to the partner exactly what behaviour they want their partner to do next time. There are no personal attacks and no generalisations. This statement is much more likely to result in an apology, repairing the relationship.

Antidote to Defensiveness – Take Responsibility

Defensive statements find their way into arguments when partners find themselves under attack and feel the need to defend themselves. When we are defensive we are really saying “the problem isn’t me, it’s you”. A defensive answer to the criticism above might be:

“I always fill the car up with petrol and I’m sick of doing it. Anyway, you never asked me to fill it up before I left”.

This is like pouring petrol onto a fire – the argument is only going to get worse to the point where it is impossible to recover.

Instead of being defensive we have to take responsibility for our actions. Steiner talks about the grain of truth in every complaint from your partner in his book “Achieving Emotional Literacy”. There is bound to be some truth in your partner’s complaint so fess up and apologise! When we do this we are adding repair to the argument too, which is likely to deescalate things and sooth your partner.

Antidote to Contempt – Praise and Pride

Gottman states that contempt is the most damaging of the four horsemen. In stable happy relationships the other horsemen may be present in small amounts but there is zero contempt. The antidote is love. Be positive with your partner, praise them whenever you can. Be proud of their achievements and tell them. As I type this it brings in mind my own parents. They have most certainly reached what in Imago therapy is called the “conscious relationship”. Don’t get me wrong, they have their moments and still argue here and there.  What strikes me when I’m with them is how positive about each other they are. My mum takes real pride in the things my Dad has done, whether that’s making the dinner or repairing the shed roof. She will sit and tell me all of these achievements with a big smile on her face and the message is very strong that she thinks he’s brilliant! My Dad is also very positive about my Mum and brushes off some of her more annoying habits with “well, that’s just her way”.

Antidote to Stonewalling – Turn into the relationship rather than away

Stonewalling is when we withdraw from our partner, either physically by moving to another room, or emotionally when we close down and stop responding or just say “yeah, yeah, whatever, yeah” as they are talking to us. Instead of doing this the stonewaller needs to self sooth, calm down and stay emotionally connected. “Easier said than done” I hear you say and to a certain extent I agree. What we have to realise though is all of these techniques demand a great deal of effort to achieve. It’s tough to stay positive about your partner when your relationship is under strain, it’s tough to take responsibility for your actions when you are arguing and it’s tough not to withdraw when you feel under attack, but what’s your alternative? If you do the same in your relationship you get the same.  If you want a strong worthwhile relationship full of love you have to work for it.

As with all things, you are not going to achieve a perfect relationship overnight.  When I deliver couples counselling I will highlight these antidotes as a way of improving the relationship in front of me. You can follow these techniques without a couples therapist too (although working with one is bound to increase your chances of success). As you increase the frequency of these positive behaviours within your relationship you will feel a change. It will become more positive which will add to the good feeling and increase the chances of closeness in the future. Good luck and contact me using the form on my navbar if there is any way you think I can help or you have any questions.

Relationship Break Up Signs – The Four Horsemen of Divorce

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relationship break up signs the four horsemen of divorceJohn Gottman is a psychologist in America who has studied married couples in great depth. This man has got the art of reading couples so off pat that he can tell within three minutes of observing them talk whether they will stay together or separate. He gets it right 96% of the time! When guru’s talk, the wise listen! So what’s Gottman got that ordinary mortals haven’t? Is he an empath? Does he have magical powers? Well, no, but he does have a ruddy great big “lab” that he sticks couples in to observe how they behave.

This lab isn’t a lab in the usual sense, think big brother house rather than science geek basement. Gottman and his team have observed over 700 couples in the lab. The couple is pretty much asked to bring their normal stuff from home so they can have a “typical” weekend together. They are wired for sound and filmed through one way mirrors. Afterwards they answer extensive questionnaires and their relationships are monitored over several years to see how they progress. What has Gottman found out from all of this research? Tonnes of useful information that I can pass on to you!

One of the things Gottman has spotted in relationships that are failing is the presence of what he calls “The four Horsemen of divorce”. In this post I am going to explain what these four horsemen are. In the next post I’ll tell you how you can keep them from your relationship door (click here to read).

Horseman 1: Criticism.

Gottman has observed that couples that criticise each other split up more often. Complaining is OK, criticism is fatal to your relationship. So what’s the difference? When we complain about something there are no judgment calls on our partner. A complaint will focus on a specific action that your partner carried out. So “I feel angry that you didn’t load the dishwasher last night” is a complaint and “you didn’t load the dishwasher last night. You’re so lazy and useless around the house and you never help” is a criticism. There’s nowhere for your partner to go when you criticise. The chances are that they will bring in horseman number 2: defensiveness.

Horseman 2: Defensiveness

This is where when your partner complains or criticises you defend yourself vigorously and accept no responsibility for the problem. So to “I feel angry you didn’t load the dishwasher last night” a defensive response would be “well why didn’t you remind me? You knew you wanted me to do it!”. It’s pretty much saying to your partner “the problem is not me, it’s you“.

Horseman 3: Contempt

Contempt is where you infer that your partner is inferior to you in some way. In TA terms it’s when you invite your partner to be “not OK” whilst you remain “OK”. It can be spotted in body language, facial expression and certain speech patterns such as sarcasm and cynicism. Blatant contempt would be name calling, mockery and hostile humour. Gottman labels contempt as the worst of the four horsemen. When contempt is present it’s impossible to have a productive discussion with your partner. Basically contempt is saying to your partner “you are disgusting” and that is a very strong negative message to send and an impossible position to come back from. When we demean our partner the love and affection within the relationship leaks away.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

This is where one partner does not respond to what the other partner is saying. They are impassive. As emotionless as a stone wall. The stonewaller may continue to read or watch TV as if their partner is not talking to them. The message sent by the stonewaller is “you are not important to me and your comments are not valid”. Stone walling is most commonly carried out by men (like criticism is most commonly carried out by women). It could be seen as one way to cope with being bombarded with complaints or criticism but it’s a hopeless way of relating to others and highly likely to result in the relationship becoming worse.

So there they are – Gottman’s four horsemen of divorce. You may well read down the list and see some or even all of these in your relationship. Don’t worry. The first stage of change is to recognise what you are doing wrong and then make the decision to do it differently. There is hope and each of these relationship poisons has an antidote. Read the post “Four ways to improve your relationship – Antidotes to the Four Horsemen” to find out what they are.

How Imago Relationship Therapy Can Transform Your Relationship

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Imago Relationship Therapy Can Transform Your RelationshipThis post looks at Imago Relationship therapy, what it’s about, how I use some of the techniques it proffers when working with couples.

What’s Imago Relationship therapy about?

Imago Relationship Therapy was devised by Dr Harville Hendrix who wrote Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. I read this book many years ago when it was recommended to me by my therapist and I loved the ideas that Hendrix had about how we find a mate and the stages that we go through when we are in a relationship. Here’s a quick summary of his main ideas:

We choose a mate that we think will heal all of the unresolved issues that we have left over from childhood. Yep – you’ve worked out what this means, we really do marry our Mum or Dad! In fact according to Hendrix, we partner up with a composite, or Imago of all of our significant caretakers squashed together.

Hendrix tells us that all relationships go through stages.

Stage one, the romantic stage, we do our damnedest to keep our new love happy. The focus is “what can I do for you”. This stage lasts for around six months.

Stage two is the power struggle. This stage is about how we attempt to manipulate our partner to heal those unresolved issues left over from our caretakers. The focus is “what can you do for me”. This stage can last for years or even decades and involves such strategies as arguing, fighting, withdrawing, stonewalling, living separate lives. If a couple has not separated during this phase and with time and effort they may progress to

Stage three. A conscious relationship. This is when a couple works together for the good of the relationship and hence for the good of them both. Couples strive for interdependency and have the ability to be separate within the relationship yet remaining in tune with what the relationship is about.

We can learn to have successful relationships by looking after each other. By looking after our partner, we heal our own childhood wounds (poetic eh?)

How do I use Imago Couples Therapy techniques in my practice?

I use Imago Couples therapy with couples that come to me for therapy. This post is too short to detail all of the techniques so I will mention a couple of the most important ones. Without doubt the number one most important idea is couples dialogue. This is where a couple will learn to talk to each other and be heard. And I mean really be heard. It’s broken down into the following sections:

Mirroring. One partner will listen to the other and mirror what the speaker has just said. Exactly what the other person has said, not an interpretation or a summary or anything else.

Validating. The partner that has done the listening validates what the speaker has said. This does not mean the listener agrees with it, just that they can see where the speaker is coming from.

Empathising. The listener shows real understanding of the feelings that the speaker has on the issue and feeds back some of the possible feelings to the speaker. The speaker may agree or disagree with the feelings being proposed but it doesn’t really matter if the listener has got some of them wrong because the process is creating a connection between the couple. That’s what it’s all about.

Here’s a video of Harville himself talking about couples dialogue:

I also use the Imago technique of Behavior Change Requests. This is a way of partners asking each other to change negative behaviours in a safe supportive way that does not set them up to fail.

How do Imago Couples Therapy techniques change your relationship beyond recognition?

If you are seeking couples therapy then the chances are high you are stuck well and truly in the power struggle stage. Both of you are trying and failing to get your needs met which leads to frustration, arguments and tension in the relationship. Imago couples therapy techniques give you tools to use that allow you to do things differently. Just learning couples dialogue on its own can be transformative. Let’s see if we can get our heads round that one. Can you imagine what it feels like to be truly listened to by your partner? To have your partner understand your point of view and be able to empathise with the feelings you have? I think that is a beautiful and powerful step for any relationship and any couple can learn to do it. It feels clumsy at first, but once practised gives a completely new way of communicating and relating to each other.

The other techniques build on this framework and allow an understanding of why you are both behaving as you are and what to do to move things on to a conscious loving relationship. What could be more beautiful than that?