Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

How To “Do” Therapy.

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How to "do" therapyNever had therapy? No idea of what to expect when you come for the first time to a therapist? Wondering what to “do”? All of these questions can naturally bring anxiety and tension for us and there’s no doubt that many are put off getting the help they need because they see counselling for “weak” people who should be able to sort their own problems out. Lets turn that around though. If we understand that many of us find the thought of going to a therapist for the first time daunting, then we can acknowledge that it takes bravery to step up to the plate and make that first appointment. It’s the first step down the road to positive change.

Any therapist worth their salt will recognise that you feel scared and unsure in your first session and will be supportive and reassuring. Once the initial session is over and you meet your therapist for the first time those stresses will ease and the fear factor will melt away.

In my first sessions working with individual clients and couples I spend time getting to know what has brought you into therapy and what you want the outcome to be. It’s also an opportunity for you to get a look at me and ask me any questions you have about the process, who I am, my method of working and decide whether you think I’m the right therapist for you.  It gives me an opportunity to decide whether I can help you or if it would be more appropriate to refer you to another therapist who could meet your needs more effectively.

So what are you as a client supposed to do when in therapy? Well the most important thing to do is be as open and as honest as you feel safe to be.  I’m not suggesting that you go into your first session and pour out your deepest thoughts and feelings, in fact I would advise strongly against doing that until you have tested the relationship with your therapist for a few weeks and you feel ready to expose yourself a little more.  Pace yourself, get used to the process and relax.

Many would argue that the type of therapy you have is unimportant.  They are all just different ways of reaching the same goal.  The relationship you have with your therapist is the key.  Building trust and learning intimacy in a unique safe setting can be a truly liberating experience.  The relationship you have with your therapist gives you the space and opportunity to test out a different way of relating to people in a safe environment.

Before you know it, you will be “doing” therapy without giving it a second thought.  Hopefully this will be a life changing experience.

How Imago Relationship Therapy Can Transform Your Relationship

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Imago Relationship Therapy Can Transform Your RelationshipThis post looks at Imago Relationship therapy, what it’s about, how I use some of the techniques it proffers when working with couples.

What’s Imago Relationship therapy about?

Imago Relationship Therapy was devised by Dr Harville Hendrix who wrote Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. I read this book many years ago when it was recommended to me by my therapist and I loved the ideas that Hendrix had about how we find a mate and the stages that we go through when we are in a relationship. Here’s a quick summary of his main ideas:

We choose a mate that we think will heal all of the unresolved issues that we have left over from childhood. Yep – you’ve worked out what this means, we really do marry our Mum or Dad! In fact according to Hendrix, we partner up with a composite, or Imago of all of our significant caretakers squashed together.

Hendrix tells us that all relationships go through stages.

Stage one, the romantic stage, we do our damnedest to keep our new love happy. The focus is “what can I do for you”. This stage lasts for around six months.

Stage two is the power struggle. This stage is about how we attempt to manipulate our partner to heal those unresolved issues left over from our caretakers. The focus is “what can you do for me”. This stage can last for years or even decades and involves such strategies as arguing, fighting, withdrawing, stonewalling, living separate lives. If a couple has not separated during this phase and with time and effort they may progress to

Stage three. A conscious relationship. This is when a couple works together for the good of the relationship and hence for the good of them both. Couples strive for interdependency and have the ability to be separate within the relationship yet remaining in tune with what the relationship is about.

We can learn to have successful relationships by looking after each other. By looking after our partner, we heal our own childhood wounds (poetic eh?)

How do I use Imago Couples Therapy techniques in my practice?

I use Imago Couples therapy with couples that come to me for therapy. This post is too short to detail all of the techniques so I will mention a couple of the most important ones. Without doubt the number one most important idea is couples dialogue. This is where a couple will learn to talk to each other and be heard. And I mean really be heard. It’s broken down into the following sections:

Mirroring. One partner will listen to the other and mirror what the speaker has just said. Exactly what the other person has said, not an interpretation or a summary or anything else.

Validating. The partner that has done the listening validates what the speaker has said. This does not mean the listener agrees with it, just that they can see where the speaker is coming from.

Empathising. The listener shows real understanding of the feelings that the speaker has on the issue and feeds back some of the possible feelings to the speaker. The speaker may agree or disagree with the feelings being proposed but it doesn’t really matter if the listener has got some of them wrong because the process is creating a connection between the couple. That’s what it’s all about.

Here’s a video of Harville himself talking about couples dialogue:

I also use the Imago technique of Behavior Change Requests. This is a way of partners asking each other to change negative behaviours in a safe supportive way that does not set them up to fail.

How do Imago Couples Therapy techniques change your relationship beyond recognition?

If you are seeking couples therapy then the chances are high you are stuck well and truly in the power struggle stage. Both of you are trying and failing to get your needs met which leads to frustration, arguments and tension in the relationship. Imago couples therapy techniques give you tools to use that allow you to do things differently. Just learning couples dialogue on its own can be transformative. Let’s see if we can get our heads round that one. Can you imagine what it feels like to be truly listened to by your partner? To have your partner understand your point of view and be able to empathise with the feelings you have? I think that is a beautiful and powerful step for any relationship and any couple can learn to do it. It feels clumsy at first, but once practised gives a completely new way of communicating and relating to each other.

The other techniques build on this framework and allow an understanding of why you are both behaving as you are and what to do to move things on to a conscious loving relationship. What could be more beautiful than that?

TA Today by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines

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Category: TA Psychotherapy.
Target audience: TA novice – expert.
How challenging is it to read? Most of it accessible – some bits for more experienced TA practitioners.

Clients often ask me to recommend one book they can read to increase their Transactional Analysis knowledge when I work with them delivering therapy.  TA today is that book.  It has been the standard text book of Transactional Analysis trainees now for many years, mainly because it is well written, comprehensive and understandable.  There are parts of the book that are targeted at the more advanced practitioner but if you don’t understand those sections straight away they will open up to you as you become more knowledgeable.  The book includes exercises at the end of each section to engage the reader, but there are no answers anywhere so you determine the correct answers by reading the book.  Most of the exercises are self reflective anyway, so only you know the correct answer!  This in not exactly a bed time reading book (though as a TA geek I have often treated it as such) due to its text book like density, but what it lacks in entertainment factor it makes up in thoroughness.

I’m not going to go into the contents of the book here because it would require me to list all of the major ideas and concepts contained within TA.  Suffice to say that they are all in there!  Some could argue that the book is starting to show its age too, it was written in 1987, but as it is a basics book I don’t think that matters.

One question that comes up now and again is why this book is a better read for those new to Transactional Analysis than  Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy by Eric Berne (the Author of Games People Play)? After all, it was Berne who founded TA.  The answer is two fold.  Firstly, TA has moved on and developed since Berne.  There are many other important contributors to the theory since Eric laid the foundations and all of these extras are included in TA Today.  Secondly, Berne’s books are far from straight forward to read, maybe with the exception of  Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships.   The others can be dense and certainly not recommended for the casual peruser!  I like to look on them as personal challenges, a bit like climbers may view Mount Snowden (they are not quite in Everest territory).

So if it’s Transactional Analysis basics your after, TA Today : A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis is a great starting point, a comfortable meander over rolling hills maybe?

If you’ve enjoyed this review, or disagree in any way, please comment below.

Buy the book:  TA Today : A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis Click on the (affiliate) link to be taken straight to amazon.  This will get you the right edition of the book instantly!