Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Imago Relationship Therapy – The Receiver

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couples therapy in didsburyWhen couples come for marriage counselling with me they are often struck by how different Imago Dialogue is to the way we normally speak to our partner. In this series of articles I intend to take each part of the Imago dialogue process and explain why it’s done in this way and how it can transform your relationship. Before I start the articles I want to acknowledge both Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy and my trainer Sophie Slade, who has provided me with many of the metaphors that are included in these articles. Thanks to both of them for such brilliance.

What is Imago Dialogue?

Imago dialogue is a different way of communicating with your partner. It involves three steps and two roles. In this article I will talk about the role of the receiver.

The Receiver.

One of the great metaphors in Imago is that of the two Islands. Imagine that you are on one Island and your partner is on another. There are no mobile phones, no computers with skype, no way to communicate with each other apart from that rowing boat you see pulled up on the beach (perish the thought eh!!). If you want to talk to your partner then you have to get in your boat and row over to their Island.

Now their Island looks very different to yours. They see things from a different perspective and they have had different experiences to you. It’s your job when you are over on their island to fully understand how things look for them. We call this role in the dialogue the receiver. The receiver is the one who is doing the listening.

As the receiver you are paying attention completely to what the sender is saying. The aim is for you to be really curious. What’s it like on their island? How do they see things?

What’s the reason for doing dialogue this way?

Think about how we usually communicate with our partner. We assume so much. We assume they see things just like we do and often that we know what they are thinking and feeling. We also assume that we know why they are doing things and often that they are doing it in that way just to annoy us, right?!

The dialogue process takes us away from that position. It allows us to separate ourselves from our partner. You are you and they are themselves – different and equally valid. Immediately this gives us permission to be ourselves and takes a huge amount of pressure off the relationship. You no longer have to expend energy attempting to understand why your partner has made their decisions and how you can get them to make a different one. They made the decision they made because they thought it was the best one at the time and they are not you!!

As the receiver your job is just to mirror, validate and empathise (more about these steps in future posts). You are completely over on your partner’s island so it’s all about them and not about you. This gives you permission to concentrate fully on them and not have to sit there trying to work out how you are going to respond. Once more this frees you up to be present for your partner in a completely new way.

There are great advantages for the sender too. The sender will have everything they say mirrored by the receiver and will be able to tell if their partner is listening carefully. This cuts out any chance that you end up in that place where one partner says “I’ve been telling you how I feel but you’ve not heard a word I’m saying!” – (more on the sender in this post)

Don’t Panic!

As the receiver you may well have feelings that come up for you whilst you are listening to your partner speak. You may feel angry about what your partner is saying and feel the need to answer back or defend yourself – so here’s an opportunity for growth! To be able to sit with your feelings and not react is a great skill indeed. John Gottman names defensiveness as one of the four horsemen of divorce. If you can learn that you are not going to die if you don’t give your partner a gob full back when they say something you don’t like then you are one step closer to a conscious relationship.

You can also be aware that you will not stay as the receiver forever. Once the sender has finished sending then it’s your turn to send. You can have your opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner in a safe, measured way, avoiding all of the other horsemen which have the potential to trample all over your other half!

Want to read the book?  Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix explains Imago Relationship Therapy in full – relationship changing stuff!

5 Reasons To Have Pre-marriage Counselling Before Getting Married

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pre-marriage counselling manchesterI read with great interest last week that Prince William and Kate Middleton are to have premarital counselling before they get married in April. They will receive this counselling from the Bishop of London, Dr. Richard Chartres, and the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams. This is a couple that will have enormous pressure placed on their marriage.  From having their relationship analysed, dissected and speculated about endlessly in the press and by demanding jobs that require long periods of time away from each other, I guess they are going to need all the help and support they can get.

But what about us ordinary mortals? Why should we bother with marriage counselling before we are even married?  Having worked with couples in crisis it is becoming more and more apparent to me that learning “relationship skills” at the beginning of the journey can save a great deal of pain, upset and distress further down the road.

In this post I will outline five reasons I think all couples, straight or gay, who intend to make a long term commitment to each other should consider premarital counselling.

  1. Pre-marriage counselling can teach you how to talk to each other. The central focus of my work with couples is teaching them how to talk to each other so both can stay safe, both feel heard and both learn to listen. Learning these skills at any stage of the relationship is going to be transformative. Why not learn it at the beginning rather than when things get tough? I teach couples Imago couples dialogue to do this, other therapists may use different techniques.
  2. Pre-marriage counselling can explain why you chose each other in the first place. In Imago Relationship Therapy, the theory is that we choose our partner to allow ourselves to heal childhood wounds. In order to do this we have to choose someone with both good and bad attributes of our parents and key influencers in childhood (read more about this in Dr. Adam Sheck’s post here) .  The down side of this is that once we have made the commitment to stay in a relationship, such as marriage, it’s likely that we are going to start noticing the negative stuff our partner displays more than the positive stuff. If we have had pre-marriage counselling and understand this will happen and why it will happen, it allows us to ride it out and appreciate that it’s at this point in our relationship that we have our best opportunity for growth.
  3. You learn about what events in the journey are likely to test you out as a couple. For straight couples this could be the birth of the first child or a new role as a step-parent, for gay couples it may be dealing with family pressures or how to manage homophobia directed your way as a couple. What ever it is, pre-marriage counselling gives you a “heads up” and creates a space for you to plan some strategies to put in place should the issue come your way.
  4. You will learn about how to resolve disagreements. We all learnt strategies to get our needs met as children. As adults these strategies may not be appropriate any more. Pre-marital counselling teaches how to deal with differences of opinion or even downright disagreements. In Imago Relationship Therapy the technique you would learn to do this is called a “behaviour change request”. It’s a safe way of communicating your needs and desires to your partner and listening in turn to theirs. It gives both partners the information needed to change their behaviour as a gift for their partner.
  5. You get to express your feelings of love and affection for your partner. That’s why you’re making a long term commitment to each other in the first place right? In Imago “appreciation dialogues” give the opportunity to thank your partner for things they have done for you that you’re really liked and just outright tell your partner how great they are! If you can get into that habit at the beginning of your relationship, you’re on the road to success straight away!

Premarital counselling is much more common in the USA than in the UK and I would love to change that. It amazes me that we go into something as important as marriage or civil partnership without preparing in any way for the emotional difficulties that are inevitable in a long term union with another human being. So, for the price of a wedding cake, go invest in a pre-marriage workshop or set of counselling sessions in your local area – it may be the best investment you could ever make.

Five Reasons Why Couples Workshops In Manchester Will Improve Your Relationship

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couples workshops in ManchesterManchester Psychotherapy is not all about counselling in Manchester. I also present workshops for couples and they are a great way of learning about your relationship. I have recently added a workshop section to my website so I can keep everyone informed of what workshops are on over the next few months. But why should you be interested in going on a workshop?

Here are five good reasons why I think workshops rock!

  1. Workshops are great value for money. When you look at the price of a workshop initially they may seem expensive but let’s cost them out. If you spent the whole day having therapy then you would be looking at paying around £350 (and your brain may be a bit frizzled too). Most workshops cost about £200 a day so you are saving yourself a fair few quid.

     

  2. Workshops are fun! Imago workshops are great fun and it’s important to realise that relationships are about emphasizing the pleasure aspect of your relationship as well as sorting out the frustrations. If you think of the strange way in which we can behave when in a relationship then it’s great to recognise this and laugh about it. It makes it that bit easier to change.

     

  3. You get to work with some of the biggest names in Relationship Therapy. Many of the workshops are run by international presenters who have flown in especially to present the workshop. These are the rock stars of the relationship therapy world, the relationship therapy equivalent of having a singing lesson with Beyoncé! Joe Kort (workshop in May for gay and lesbian couples) is internationally recognized as an authority on gay and lesbian issues and has applied his expertise to the “getting the love you want” standard format to produce a great learning experience for couples attending that workshop – grab your opportunity to take part while you can! Sophie Slade is training and presenting workshops across the globe and has decades of experience in relationship therapy. She is also a warm, accepting woman with a fantastic sense of humour. When she comes to London and Bristol in autumn you would do well to take the opportunity to work with her.

     

  4. You learn a lot and learn it quickly. When attending a workshop you get a day’s worth of information that all links together and participate in activities throughout the day. If you come to me for therapy I will be giving you some of the same information but it’s a lot harder for me to make it flow together simply because you will also be doing therapy and there are one week gaps between each session. Workshops can give you a great understanding of the Imago way of doing things quickly and coherently. If you are having Imago relationship therapy then the “getting the love you want” workshop or my “start right stay connected” premarital workshop will accelerate your therapy experience and help you understand more clearly why we do things a set way in the Imago dialogue process.

     

  5. You get to be with other people like you. Workshops involve being part of a group and so you get to see other people practise Imago dialogue and hear other people’s stories. This is great for normalising your relationship issues because it’s likely that lots of other people have the same problems as you in their relationship too. In my “Start right, Stay connected” premarital workshop you will be participating with other couples who have decided to get married or have a civil partnership. It gives you an opportunity to swap information with likeminded couples and have a laugh at familiar issues that come up around planning the big day.

There are many workshops available for couples and I do my best to put them on my website as soon as I hear about them. My “Start right, stay connected” workshop for premarital couples will be taking place in August and has limited places. Book early to avoid missing out!

Read the book: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix explains the Imago Relationship theory in full.  It’s a great read and will help you move from power struggle to conscious relationship.

 

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