claude steiner

The Drama Triangle – Shall We Dance?

02/10/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to write about the Drama Triangle as it’s probably the concept that has had more “aha” factor than any of the others with my clients. People tend to “get it” and, as if by magic, the behaviour patterns that they have been engaged in with others suddenly become apparent. The concept also invites the client to think about the messages they learnt about themselves and others as they were growing up. This new awareness gives an ability to change and pull themselves out of unproductive ways of being.

What is the Drama Triangle?

The Drama Triangle was created by Steven Karpman as a different way of looking at Berne’s Game theory. Karpman suggested that there are three roles that people can take when they play games:

Persecutor – Persecutors take the “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position. They bully, snipe, bitch and intimidate others.

Rescuer – The Rescuer also takes the “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position but the feel is very different. Rescuers “take care” of others whether the other person wants looking after or not. They presume that others do not have the ability to do things for themselves.

Victim – Victims take the “I’m not OK, You’re OK” position. They look for others to either “look after” them or pick on them.

So, which one are you? If you’re like the rest of us then you’re probably all of them! You are, however, likely to favour one of these Drama Triangle positions over the others.

All three of these roles are inauthentic – that is, they are based on the past ideas and beliefs that the individual has formed about themselves and others throughout childhood. The positions are likely to confirm script beliefs and are responding to past events rather than the here and now.

Let’s just take a minute to think about that for a while. If I’m treating someone like a Victim and I am Rescuing them, then that has probably more to do with my beliefs formed in my childhood than the needs of the person I am Rescuing. The here and now reality of the situation is ignored (discounted) and I just carry out those actions that have been programmed into me as a child. The great thing about that program is that we wrote it and we can change it. I think it is this program that gets revealed to clients I explain the Drama triangle to. On seeing the program they can decide whether it is useful anymore and how it needs to be altered. The process of psychotherapy then supports and facilitates the changes the client wants to make.

The diagram used to show the relationship between these positions is drawn like this:

The important thing to see here is those arrows going in both directions. When playing games an individual tends to move around the triangle taking all of the roles at different times. We dance around the triangle with our opposite number taking on all of the roles.

Here’s an example of a conversation between two people that demonstrates the triangle nicely.

Jamie: Why are you late again? You’re always late for everything and I’m sick of it! (persecutor)

Lesley: I’m really sorry, I forgot to set my alarm. Please don’t be mad at me. (victim)

Jamie: Well you’re stupid and inconsiderate. I’ve no idea why I put up with you! (persecutor)

Lesley: It’s not as if you are perfect. Stop shouting at me now otherwise you will regret it! (persecutor)

Jamie: OK, OK. Calm down. I didn’t mean to upset you. (victim)

Lesley: Well you never help me with my lateness so what do you expect? (Persecutor)

Jamie: OK, so from now on I will set your alarm for you and make sure you get out of the house on time. (Rescuer)

Note how the positions change, and when one player moves position that invites movement of the other player.

When is a rescue a Rescue?

The convention is to capitalize the R when discussing the drama triangle type of Rescuing, Persecuting or Victim to distinguish it from the non-drama type. The difference is that when a game-playing Rescue takes place then the Rescuer is usually doing something that they do not really want to do but they think that they “ought” to. A Rescue also involves a discount of self or other (as all the positions in the triangle do). In the example above, Jamie is discounting the ability of Lesley, who is an adult, to set an alarm clock. Also, Jamie really does not want the added stress of making sure that Lesley is not late any more but feels obliged to “help” Lesley with this. The ideas that Jamie should do this will have been formed in childhood and are part of her script beliefs.

Why do we play on the Drama Triangle?

We dance round this triangle for the same reason that we play games; we want to get our needs met but we are often too scared to ask for what we want directly. Asking for what we want, being intimate with others, feels dangerous and there is the highest risk that we may be rejected so we take one step down and play games instead to attempt to manipulate others into giving us what we want without being explicit.

The cost of doing this can be high. Each position has its own payoff and these often reinforce the beliefs about self. For example, in the script above, Jamie may once again see that her needs are not important and that she has to look after others to be OK. This leaves her feeling angry and uncared for.

How do we step off the Drama Triangle?

The solution is simple. Step off the triangle by being intimate with those you talk to. This can be carried out simply by using Steiner’s “action-feeling” statements.
The first transaction from Jamie may then have looked like this:

Jamie “When you turn up late I feel angry and annoyed. In future I would like you to turn up on time or ring me to let me know you’ve been held up”.

This statement invites Lesley to think about her behaviour and how it’s had an impact on Jamie. It invites Lesley to stay in Adult ego state and be empathic to Jamie’s needs.

What’s the next step?

I think the next step is to become aware of the ways in which you are dancing on the drama triangle. Notice which positions you take more often. Do you take different positions with different people? How does your drama triangle position connect with your experiences in childhood? When you have gathered this information you can decide to do things differently. Whenever we do things differently there is likely to be feelings that come up for us so seek out a close friend or family member you can talk this through with or work with a therapist to help you make the changes you want.

What do you think about the drama triangle? Do you have great strategies to get yourself off the triangle into closer connection? Please comment on your Drama Triangle experiences using the space below.

Five books that could change your life!

05/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

There are many books out there on therapy, self-help, counselling and personal change so how do you know which ones are worth reading and which ones are best avoided? Personal recommendations count for a lot and I often get asked what books to read. Some of the following five books have been recommended to me and I have happened upon others by luck, chance or good fortune. I see it as my turn to pass on those recommendations, or that luck, to you.

The five books listed here have changed my life for the better. That sounds dramatic but it’s true. I’ll explain how each one has changed my life during the brief review of each book.

If you click on the book picture it will take you straight to amazon if you wish to have a look at it there. I will declare upfront that I have an affiliate link set up but the link is really only there to speed things up for you and to allow me to display a graphic of the book on my site without breaching any kind of copyright.

Bor n to Win: Transactional Analysis with Gestalt Experiments This is the first book I ever read on Transactional Analysis and as such it holds a special place in my heart. It was the start of my Transactional Analysis education and it contributed greatly to me becoming a TA psychotherapist. My first therapist recommended it to me and he also introduced the concepts contained within the book to me during my therapy sessions with him. The whole process led to a paradigm shift in the way that I saw the world and stresses, anxieties and jealousies that I had had since I was a child melted away. Having therapy had such a profound impact on my life that I chose to train as a therapist from that moment on. I think this was also so I could better understand for myself just how therapy works and how I could use it to help other people’s lives change for the better.

Born to win is a well written book with clear explanations of TA theory. I still remember reading it and having those “ahhh, that’s why I do that!” moments. It’s less textbooky than TA today and there are plenty of exercises in there to encourage you to try the theory out for yourself. If you are having TA psychotherapy then understanding the theory does help. I think it sometimes speeds the achievement of your goals up because it provides a framework to hang ideas on to. This would be a great book to start that learning process off.

Achieving Emotional Literacy by Claude Steiner. This is a special book for me because it helped me understand how to become more emotionally literate and it explains stroke theory brilliantly (a stroke is a unit of recognition, like “hello” or a wave or a kick up the backside). I have already reviewed this book more fully in a previous post so if you want to read a pretty detailed account of this book then go read that post here. Suffice to say I love this book and I see Steiner as a bit of a guru. He’s kind enough to give it away free too so now you have no excuse not to read it!

The Happ iness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living by Russ Harris. Speaking of guru’s, whilst being trained in TA I met a great guy trained in CBT and Acceptance and Commitment therapist working with substance abusers in Manchester. He introduced me to ACT and it fit brilliantly with my interests in TA, Buddhist philosophy and mindfulness techniques. The Happiness trap by Russ Harris was the first book I read on the subject, and of all the ACT books I have now read, most definitely the easiest to read.

The book explains how you can use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to reduce stress, anxiety and depression. It makes really good sense and gives practical tips on managing your negative thoughts, reducing your urges to carry out unproductive behaviour and setting values based goals that you can achieve now rather than results based ones that only give temporary fixes of satisfaction. ACT techniques encourage the giving up of struggle and the acceptance of all of our feelings. This book is so well written you don’t need to have any therapy knowledge to get loads out of it.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. This is a book that I stumbled upon initially in audiobook form. I liked it so much I ended up buying a paper copy too so I could browse more easily through it. I deliberately mention it after “The happiness Trap” because it has many of same principles in common. Some of the best work I have ever done in creating a strong team and a vision within that team was stimulated from reading this book. It’s not a therapy book, it guides you through the process of deciding what you want in life (values based in the same way as ACT), prioritizing what really matters and explaining how you can get there.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix. Once more I have to thank my first therapist for recommending this book to me. It’s important because it has changed the way I view how a relationship should be and Imago therapy itself has given me a lot of great techniques I can use as a couples therapist with struggling couples. In my opinion, it is the book to read if you are having relationship difficulties and you want to understand why. It suggests new ways to communicate with your partner and also gives good exercises you can do together to strengthen your relationship. I go into more detail about the ideas behind Imago therapy in my post “How Imago Couples Therapy Can Transform Your Relationship” So check that out for more information.

So there they are – five books that have changed my life and can change yours if you let them. Happy reading!

Have you read any of these books? What did you think of them? What books have changed your life? Please let me know in the comment section below.

Achieving Emotional Literacy by Claude Steiner

01/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

Category: Psychotherapy.
Target audience: General. Great for individuals and for couples who want to communicate better.
How challenging is it to read? Straight forward. No previous knowledge assumed.

Ok, I’ll Admit it from the start of this review, I’m a bit of a Claude Steiner groupie! If you have had therapy with me, you’ll know I talk about him a great deal. I think Steiner has some great theories and enjoy his larger than life personality and outspoken ideas. As you will pick up in this review, I love his emotional literacy stuff and encourage my clients to become emotionally literate because I am sure it brings improvement to relationships and increases feelings of self worth. I will be blogging about emotional literacy in more detail for sure!

If you’re not sure who Claude Steiner is, he one of the foremost figures in the development of TA. He trained with and was a good friend of Eric Berne, the founder of TA, and had a major influence on TA basic concepts, especially the theory of script formation and strokes.

The aim of “Achieving Emotional Literacy” is to teach you to do exactly that! This is a handbook to teach you to accept your emotions and take responsibility for the impact that your behaviour has on the emotions of others. After a brief introduction the book splits into three stages. Stage one is “Opening the heart”; Stage two “Surveying the Emotional Landscape” and Stage three “Taking Responsibility”. But before I describe what’s in each section I think it’s important to describe what Steiner means by Emotional Literacy.

Steiner puts it thus:

“To be emotionally literate is to be able to handle emotions in a way that improves your personal power and improves the quality of life around you. Emotional Literacy improves relationships, creates loving possibilities between people, makes cooperative work possible, and facilitates the feeling of community.” Steiner p11

Step one of the book “Opening the Heart”, talks in detail about strokes and the stroke economy. Strokes are an important concept in TA and are defined as “A unit of recognition”. That could be through conversation with another, physical contact or even a smile. Strokes are important to all of us and as a species we seek them out voraciously. Steiner explains how to give, recieve and reject strokes appropriately. He emphasises the need for honesty in relationships and discusses how we are all intuitive and will the spot the lies or half truths other people tell us. When we lie to others it will be picked up on some level and will damage our relationships. Steiner also explains why self stroking, confronting that negative parental voice that tells us that we are no good, is so important if we want to be happy, healthy individuals.

Step two of the book entitled “Surveying the Emotional Landscape” goes into detail about how to talk about our emotions to others in a safe and caring way whilst also inviting others to meet our needs. Intuition is discussed in detail and he also relates the best way of talking about the “hunches” we have with others.

Step three, “Taking Responsibility” is mainly about how to give and receive apologies. Saying sorry is very important when we make mistakes. It repairs damage and lets the other party know they are valued and respected. Steiner takes us through the right way and wrong way of doing this.

There then follows brief chapters on using emotional literacy with children, in the work place and a chapter on personal power and how being emotionally literate allows us to be powerful without the need for power plays or violence.

So why do i recommend this book so highly? It’s because Emotional Literacy is such an important part of forming relationships with ourselves and others. When we are in relationships with others it’s key that we are able to explain our wants and needs without being judgmental of them or assuming we know what they want or why they behaved in a certain way towards us. Steiner explains all of this clearly and gives practical advice on how to achieve this.

I love Steiner’s ideas about the stroke economy, especially as it rings so true. I can see how the rules of the stroke economy restrict us in the way we may relate to others, and perhaps more importantly, the way we see ourselves. I’m sure most of us have had experiences where some one we care about can say lots of nice things to us and we barely notice yet the second they say one negative thing it hits home hard. That’s the stroke economy in action!

It’s not always easy for any of us to truly feel safe enough to show our emotions. This book takes us through it in stages and encourages us to realise that those that are truly strong are in touch with their emotions and know themselves well.

The bad news is that the book I have reviewed costs £60 new (at the time of writing) if you click my amazon link above. The good news? This book: Emotional Literacy: Intelligence with a Heart, is an updated version published in 2003 and retails for around £10. Want the even better than good news? Steiner has a great website, and a history of giving away his books for free, so you can actually read this book for nought pence! So now you have no excuse not to read one of the best books out there on leading a happy balanced life. Enjoy!