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Ego States, Urges and Me-part 1

02/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

ego states in transactional analysis

I want one and I want one NOW!

The Apple iPhone 4 will be available to buy from the 24th June and I am very excited!  I want to run to the nearest Apple store and get in the Queue already.  I want to hand over my £200 and sign up for that 2 year contract despite the fact that when I look at it, when I really think about it, the iPhone 4 isn’t really much different from the iPhone I own now.  For me it’s the same with the Apple iPad.  I have been down to the store and held one in my hands.  I have caressed its smooth, glassy body.  I have imagined myself sat on my sofa, surfing the web like I’ve never surfed before!  I realise I am what’s referred to distastefully on the internet forums as “An Apple Fan boy”.  There is definitely something about their products that increases my desire to splurge large amounts of my hard earned cash.  What’s going on?

I want to address this question over a series of blog posts.  The subject is too big for one blog post and as I write it, it even seems to have grown too big for two!  So I will split it into three posts that will link together.

Part 1 – urges and ego states

Part 2 – How we can use what we know about ego states to calm our urges

Part 3 – Urge surfing, the ACT approach to urges.

Part 1 – Urges and Ego States

It doesn’t really matter here whether we are talking about an iPhone, iPad, a new car, a new hand bag, clothes or even tasty chocolate biscuits.  There is something in our human make up that allows us to become fixated, all be it temporarily.  Most of the time for most people it’s not a problem provided we stay within the limits of what we can afford, but what can we do to quell these urges when they threaten or physical, emotional or financial health?

What can we do to quell these urges when they threaten or physical, emotional or financial health?

In Transactional Analysis we often look at human personality from the perspective of ego states.  The ego state model is useful because is gives us something to hang our ideas onto.  It’s a model of personality.  At the risk of upsetting many TA therapists, I am going to boil the ego state model down to the simplest level possible (TA aficionados are welcome to post comments, please keep the swearing to a minimum!).

Our thinking, feelings and behaviour can be divided into several parts.  These are known as Parent, Adult and Child ego states.  The normal convention is to capitalise when discussing ego states and use lower case when referring to real parents, adults and childs (I know, it’s not a real word but I kinda like it!).  The ego state model I am writing about is referred to as the functional model – how we use the ego states to relate to others and ourselves.

Our Parent ego state pretty much repeats what we heard from our childhood caretakers.  It is full of information from them about how to view see the world and how to react to it. This information can be Nurturing (NP) or Controlling (CP). There are positive and negative aspects of Controlling and Nurturing Parent.  It’s good to have a Controlling Parent to tell you to stop and check before crossing a road but not so good to hear that Controlling Parent in your head all the time telling you that you are doing things wrong. The Nurturing Parent that allows overindulgence in chocolate (or IPads) can be doing you a disservice, but the Nurturing Parent that tells you or someone else who has been working hard to take a break can be very useful.

Our Adult ego state is able to take in the here and now reality of the situation.  It processes information and regulates most of the things we do.  When we follow instructions or drive a car, our Adult ego state is happily and fruitfully engaged.

Our Child ego state can be compliant and well mannered or rebellious and badly behaved.  In TA terms both of these would be classed as “Adapted Child” (AC) as in both situations we are adapting to the environment around us, either positively or negatively.  The other way the Child ego state functions in is called “Free Child”(FC).  The Free Child likes to run barefoot on a sun drenched beach, play and laugh with those nearby, cry when sad, shout when angry.  The free Child is not restricted by what others think.

There are entire books written about ego states, various models and theories about how they work or even if they exist at all so if it is a subject you are interested in I would recommend more research.  TA today by Stuart and Joines would be a good place to start.

In my next article I am going to explain what may be going on in my ego states when I think of that Apple iPad.  Please comment at the bottom of this article and press all of the other pretty buttons to send it to other social media sites!

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Filed Under: Transactional Analysis Tagged With: and super-ego, apple inc., apple iphone, apple store, ego, ego state, i'm ok, id, ipad, iphone, psychology, psychotherapy, transactional analysis, urge, you're ok

Racket Feelings And Stamp Collecting

18/06/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

When the tough times hit do you find yourself having the same familiar response? Do you find yourself in the same situations and feeling the same negative feelings? In transactional analysis language, we call these old familiar feelings racket feelings. We can collect up these feelings and cash them in later for a prize. This is called “stamp collecting” in Transactional Analysis after the old loyalty scheme system of being given trading stamps when making a purchase at a shop (think Tesco club card in the 70’s!)

How do we learn our racket feelings?

In most families there are clear guidelines as to which feelings are OK and which are not. These “feeling rules” are spoken out loud by our parents or may be conveyed without a single word being spoken. Some common messages spoken directly to children are “stop crying”, “why are you sad, snap out of it”, “don’t shout in this house”. Messages are sent psychologically when feelings or emotions from a child invoke a negative response from a parent. For example, if Abby is always ignored when she is feeling sad, but given a lot of praise and attention when she is happy she is likely to learn to be happy and avoid sadness. It may be that as an adult in times of sadness she does not know how to access the genuine feeling and either feel something that feels safer and is less likely to get her rejected by her parents (such as anger) or she may decide to feel confused or numb.

Stamp collecting

So we learn as kids to favour certain feelings. As adults we tend to seek out opportunities to feel the same way. These feelings may not feel good but they feel very familiar, like that worn out old pair of smelly slippers that you really should have thrown out six months ago. If we can invite others to play games with us, if we can manipulate them and encourage them to hurt us, we get to re-experience these feelings and collect these feelings up to trade in later. Stamp collecting.

Cashing in your stamps

Are you one of those people that store things up and then let your partner or work colleague have it with both barrels when you can take no more? In TA terms we say you are trading in your stamps. Some people wait a couple of days to do this, others wait years. The aftermath can be anything from an argument with your boss to getting fired in spectacular fashion or bickering with your partner to full blown divorce.

Choose to do things differently

So how can you avoid rackets and collecting stamps? Firstly, it’s worth identifying those things you do or situations you find yourself in that result in the same old familiar negative feelings. Chances are you are indulging yourself in racket feelings and stamp collecting. Once you have identified what these situations are then it’s time to do something different. Make a change, make an Adult decision and behave in such a way as to take yourself out of the situation. The chances are you may well feel scared or anxious when you do this, you are opening yourself up to having genuine feelings. These feelings will not harm you and will pass. Talk to your friends or family about these feelings and if you can’t do that find a good counsellor that can support you through the change.

To avoid the stamp collecting it’s important to talk to those around you about what you are feeling and what you want to happen. If you are feeling fed up with your spouse because they did x,y or z then tell them and tell them what you want to happen instead. If you do this kindly and own your feelings then your partner may be able to help you out with it. If they are unwilling to help you out then at least you know that and can make choices accordingly.

Change takes time

I’m not pretending that this is easy to do and I would emphasize that working with a therapist or counsellor will help the process and allow you to manage your feelings better. I am convinced that we can all change our behaviour and we can choose to move away from the negative patterns we learnt as a child that are no longer appropriate as adults.

Filed Under: Transactional Analysis Tagged With: transactional analysis

Why All Teachers Should Learn Transactional Analysis

22/05/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

teachers should learn transactional analysisI am a lucky man because I work in two areas that I enjoy and find fascinating. These are the vocations of teaching and psychotherapy and I love it when they come together. This is lucky because they come together frequently. In fact they’re rarely apart. Teaching is about relationships. Psychotherapy is about relationships. They are made for each other.

There is an unfortunate trend in education over the last few years. We seem to have moved away from relationships and towards “measurable outcomes”. We can measure a child’s IQ, CAT score, SAT score, GCSE grade, AS level etc etc. but it’s pretty hard to put a number on how happy he or she is at school and whether he feels cared for, nurtured, respected, inspired or safe. My argument is that all of these things are essential before any learning can take place. Once they are secure then the child may fly. She can feel safe enough to have a go, make mistakes and learn that it’s OK. Then real learning begins.

Who inspired you?

Look back at the teachers you found inspiring at school. Were they the ones that marked your homework on time? Was it the way in which they set work for you that you remember? The thing that we remember about our special teachers is how they connected with us. How we felt when we were with them. I remember clearly how I felt with my English teacher when I was I kid. I felt valued, inspired and special and I loved going to English lessons. For most homework assignments I would do the minimum just to make sure I didn’t get into trouble (typical boy). For my English teacher I would write reams!

So what’s all this got to do with Transactional Analysis? In order for a child to learn anything within the classroom setting you need a good teacher to facilitate the process. Teaching is a demanding, stressful and high pressured vocation where the humanness of the teacher is often forgotten by all parties. This is regularly demonstrated by excited children running up to teachers during the school day to tell them “I saw you in Tescos”! Yep, teachers have to eat too! As teachers we often forget that we are human too and we are not our jobs. We take poor behaviour in our classrooms personally, feel stressed when we are being observed (mention Ofsted to a teacher and they tend to react as if they are to be visited by the grim reaper to have their very soul brought to judgment) and find it difficult to unwind in the long holidays we are endlessly lambasted for.

How can Transactional Analysis help teachers?

Transactional Analysis offers teachers a way of understanding what is happening on a social level within the classroom and within themselves. It provides a map, a framework to start hanging experiences on.

Here’s a list of a few features of transactional analysis and how they can be used by teachers;

  • Ego states – once understood, teachers can figure out what’s going on with their thinking, feeling and behaviour in the classroom and choose to respond rather than react.
  • Transactional Analysis Proper – teachers can use their knowledge of TA proper to keep irate children (and parents!) placated, cut dead unproductive conversations and make their points seem clear during lessons.
  • Strokes – the understanding of the stroke economy makes the poor behaviour of some children more comprehendible and encourages teachers to be positive in their classrooms as a method of behaviour management. I’ve done a lot of work with students explicitly discussing strokes and the stroke economy, they find it fascinating too!
  • Games – there are many games played out in the classroom including “Do Me Something”, Wooden Leg”, “If It Wasn’t For You” and “Now I’ve Got You, You S.O.B”. If teachers understand them they can avoid them or at least be aware when they enter into them and avoid the negative payoff for themselves (for example, that common feeling of hopelessness that teachers can feel, or feelings of anger) and for the students.
  • Scripts – understanding our own script helps us language why we wanted to be a teacher in the first place and gives us permission to pursue our vocation from a positive place.

My examples above barely scrape the surface of the uses of TA within teaching and there are many more aspects of TA such as the drama triangle, the OK corral, script matrix, discounting that are also very useful.

By learning Transactional Analysis a teacher can gain more insight to how human relationships tick. They can make more sense of the behaviour they see around them and put it into a wider context. Transactional Analysis provides a language to explain why certain classroom management techniques are going to be more effective than others and gives permission for the teacher to retain humanness in the face of adversity.

Transactional Analysis brings greater awareness into the classroom and with this comes options and the possibility of doing things differently.

Filed Under: Transactional Analysis Tagged With: change, interpersonal relationships, stress, stroke, transactional analysis

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