Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Couples Counselling – 5 signs it might be time to book an appointment

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marriage counselling dont leave it too longMany couples put off going to marriage counselling for too long. The result can be a much more difficult process and sometimes the relationship has deteriorated beyond rescue. This blog post looks at when we know it’s time to go and why it’s important not to leave it too long.

The average time it takes a couple to come to seek therapy when they know their relationship is in trouble is 6 years. Contrast this with the 30 minutes it takes people to respond to chest pains or the 30 days it takes women to make a doctor’s appointment when they feel a lump in their breast (Gottman, 1997).

Now, I get that a heart attack isn’t exactly comparable to relationship difficulties, but I think it’s important to remember a couple of things. Firstly, unhappy relationships create a great deal of stress and misery for all of the people surrounding the relationship (including any children who have to live with arguments and bad feeling). Stress has a direct link to our physical health. It lowers our immune response leaving us open to coughs, colds and other infections and it is shown to increase the chances of serious medical situations like heart attacks. Secondly, you can imagine how difficult it is going to be to undo six years’ worth of conflict. It’s not hopeless, couples counselling can have a very positive effect on any relationship if both partners get stuck in, but, well I’m sure you are getting my point here!

So what signs can you look out for that may indicate that you may need help?

  1. Communication breaks down. You seem to be having the same old arguments again and again and are not resolving anything.
  2. The bond of trust seems to have eroded. This could be as a result of jealousy from one partner or a suspected affair.
  3. One or both partners are continually becoming ill or depressed. This may be an indication that the loving support that is expected to exist in a relationship has gone.
  4. Sex is no fun or has stopped. Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship. It allows partners to bond and feel close to each other. If that has gone the relationship may be at risk.
  5. Violence within the relationship. This could be from either partner and is very serious. Always treat your personal safety as a priority.

If one or more of the issues above are present in your relationship then it might be time to ring a couples counsellor and sort the problem out. Don’t wait until you have a dead marriage or struggling relationship, grab the bull by the horns and tackle the problem together early before it gets too big.

If you wish to make an appointment with me, ring 07966 390857.

Gottman, J. (1997). A scientifically based marital therapy: A 12 hour video course with extensive notes and handouts. Seattle, WA: Seattle Marriage and Family Institute.

What To Expect From Couples Counselling

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what to expect from couples counselling in ManchesterMany people are unsure of what to expect when they come for couples counselling.  In this post I will outline what you can expect if you work with me at Manchester Psychotherapy.  I use Imago Relationship Therapy in all my sessions.  Imago Relationship Therapy presumes that you are both OK, you both have needs that you are trying to get met, and that you are both well matched to help your partner get their needs met.

One thing I will not be doing is allowing you to come and spend time arguing.  You probably do lots of that at home and there is no point paying me to watch you do it!  The vast majority of the time you will be in dialogue with each other and I will be guiding you.

A typical session will look like this:

Arrival – focusing on getting you grounded and ready to listen to your partner.

Intentions – What do you want to achieve from this session?  How do you need to be to achieve it?

Dialogue – One partner will talk (we call this sending) and the other will listen (we call this receiving).  The receiver will mirror what the sender has said back to them, validate and empathise.  Can you imagine what that feels like?  Your partner will be listening to every word you say and mirroring it back – demonstrating that they really were listening.  Contrast this with the diatribe that usually happens in a relationship where one person talks then the other person talks back, usually invalidating what their partner has just said. Being listened to, validated and understood feels fantastic! Once the sender has finished sending the roles are swapped and the receiver now sends, often responding to what they have just heard from their partner.

When sending the focus is on owning feelings, staying away from blame and keeping your partner safe.  Senders use “I feel” statements or “the story I’m telling myself..” sentences to do this.  It’s my job as the therapist to make sure both partners do not feel attacked or criticised.

Towards the end of the session couples will move into appreciation dialogues – what they like about their partner either during the session or out of it.  This brings the positive into your awareness and reminds the couple of why they are together in the first place.

If you are in couples therapy then about 90% of what you have in your relationship is likely to be working.  The trouble is that we often can only see the 10% that’s not, just like a sore toe can make our whole body feel rotten.  Imago Relationship Therapy aims to bring that 90% back into your awareness.

So how do couples resolve disagreements in Imago Relationship Therapy?  When partners have things they want their other half to change the dialogue process will focus on “behaviour change requests”.  This is a way of dialoguing about something that you want done differently in your relationship and explaining what feelings go on for you when your partner behaves in that way.  These feelings are often linked to childhood and so there is some exploration of that area too.  Once the information about the issue has been sent the sender will also suggest ways in which their partner can do things differently. The receiver gets to choose which ones they may be able to “stretch into”.  If the receiver can’t see any other way of doing things then they couple will dialogue about that.

I’m sure you appreciate that this post can only cover the bare bones of what happens in a session. Imago Relationship Therapy provides an effective way of structuring couples therapy and keeps the process safe for both partners.  It’s about healing the wounds and bringing you together.  There is no sitting around slagging your partner off to the therapist or wallowing in all the bad things that have happened between you.  The aim is for you to be leaving the session feeling more positive about your relationship than when you came.  There will be times when you want to dialogue about painful events in your relationship and this will be done in a way that your partner can really listen, stay safe and avoid defensiveness.  By doing this wounds start to heal and the couple learn that their partner is an essential key to their own growth and happiness.

I’m going to finish this article by stating that I love doing Couples counselling, I feel passionate about it.  I think the Imago Relationship Therapy model I use is beautiful and I love seeing the couples I work with connecting with each other on a deep level whilst using it.  If your relationship is under pressure then I would love to work with you to help you realise the great relationship you could have too.

Ego states, urges and me – part 2

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ego states and transactional analysis weight lossPart one of this post introduced the idea of ego states.  I’m going to look at my super strong desire for iPhone 4s and iPads from an ego state perspective.

My Free Child ego state really wants to buy buy buy!  My Controlling Parent is saying in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to splash the cash down the local Apple store because I can’t afford it.  My Adapted Child follows the instructions of the Controlling Parent and a conflict is set up.  This is a similar thing to what happens when we go on diets.  Carole Rayburn wrote an article in the TAJ explaining the whole sequence – I’m going to paraphrase below:

Our Controlling Parent tells us that we are too fat and we need to cut down on the cakes, sweets, chocolate and other foods that we love to eat and are bad for us.  Our Adapted Child complies but is not very happy about it.  We put up with this for a certain amount of time or until we reach a target weight.  Once we get there things shift.  Often the Rebellious Child clicks in and we go back to our pies, chocolate or crisps.  Before we know it we are back to our original weight and feel sad that we have failed, yet again to “Control” ourselves.

Carole suggests that the answer is to stop being so hard on ourselves and nurture instead.  Our Nurturing Parent needs to team up with our Child and give permission for the Adult – the sensible part of ourselves, to regulate our weight.  Our Child needs to be soothed by our Nurturing Parent and believe that they are not going to be deprived and that there is enough food to go round.  Then slowly that need to shovel food into our faces as if it’s the last ever time we will be able to have them will subside.  I’m not pretending that this is easy to do.  Research by Lister, Rosen and Wright (1985) examining a group of women using this method to lose weight showed that in the initial stages most put weight on.  It takes time for that Child part of ourselves to feel safe enough to take this new approach. This is one possible approach I would take when providing therapy to a client with these sort of issues.

In part 3 of this post, I look at an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy method for managing our urges, called Urge surfing.

Read part one of this blog post here.

References:

Lister, M. Rosen, K. and Wright,  A. (1985) ‘An Anti-diet Approach to Weight Loss in a Group Setting’. Transactional Analysis Journal 15, 69-72.

Rayburn, C.A. (1978) ‘On the Importance of Self Stroking in Weight Control’. Transactional Analysis Journal 8, No 3 227-228.

Buy the Book: Transactional Analysis: 100 Key Points and Techniques