urge

Ego states, urges and me – part 2

03/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

Part one of this post introduced the idea of ego states. I’m going to look at my super strong desire for iPhone 4s and iPads from an ego state perspective.

My Free Child ego state really wants to buy buy buy! My Controlling Parent is saying in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to splash the cash down the local Apple store because I can’t afford it. My Adapted Child follows the instructions of the Controlling Parent and a conflict is set up. This is a similar thing to what happens when we go on diets. Carole Rayburn wrote an article in the TAJ explaining the whole sequence – I’m going to paraphrase below:

Our Controlling Parent tells us that we are too fat and we need to cut down on the cakes, sweets, chocolate and other foods that we love to eat and are bad for us. Our Adapted Child complies but is not very happy about it. We put up with this for a certain amount of time or until we reach a target weight. Once we get there things shift. Often the Rebellious Child clicks in and we go back to our pies, chocolate or crisps. Before we know it we are back to our original weight and feel sad that we have failed, yet again to “Control” ourselves.

Carole suggests that the answer is to stop being so hard on ourselves and nurture instead. Our Nurturing Parent needs to team up with our Child and give permission for the Adult – the sensible part of ourselves, to regulate our weight. Our Child needs to be soothed by our Nurturing Parent and believe that they are not going to be deprived and that there is enough food to go round. Then slowly that need to shovel food into our faces as if it’s the last ever time we will be able to have them will subside. I’m not pretending that this is easy to do. Research by Lister, Rosen and Wright (1985) examining a group of women using this method to lose weight showed that in the initial stages most put weight on. It takes time for that Child part of ourselves to feel safe enough to take this new approach. This is one possible approach I would take when providing therapy to a client with these sort of issues.

In part 3 of this post, I look at an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy method for managing our urges, called Urge surfing.

Read part one of this blog post here.

References:

Lister, M. Rosen, K. and Wright, A. (1985) ‘An Anti-diet Approach to Weight Loss in a Group Setting’. Transactional Analysis Journal 15, 69-72.

Rayburn, C.A. (1978) ‘On the Importance of Self Stroking in Weight Control’. Transactional Analysis Journal 8, No 3 227-228.

Buy the Book: Transactional Analysis: 100 Key Points and Techniques

Ego States, Urges and Me-part 1

02/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

I want one and I want one NOW!

The Apple iPhone 4 will be available to buy from the 24^th June and I am very excited! I want to run to the nearest Apple store and get in the Queue already. I want to hand over my £200 and sign up for that 2 year contract despite the fact that when I look at it, when I really think about it, the iPhone 4 isn’t really much different from the iPhone I own now. For me it’s the same with the Apple iPad. I have been down to the store and held one in my hands. I have caressed its smooth, glassy body. I have imagined myself sat on my sofa, surfing the web like I’ve never surfed before! I realise I am what’s referred to distastefully on the internet forums as “An Apple Fan boy”. There is definitely something about their products that increases my desire to splurge large amounts of my hard earned cash. What’s going on?

I want to address this question over a series of blog posts. The subject is too big for one blog post and as I write it, it even seems to have grown too big for two! So I will split it into three posts that will link together.

Part 1 – urges and ego states

Part 2 – How we can use what we know about ego states to calm our urges

Part 3 – Urge surfing, the ACT approach to urges.

Part 1 – Urges and Ego States

It doesn’t really matter here whether we are talking about an iPhone, iPad, a new car, a new hand bag, clothes or even tasty chocolate biscuits. There is something in our human make up that allows us to become fixated, all be it temporarily. Most of the time for most people it’s not a problem provided we stay within the limits of what we can afford, but what can we do to quell these urges when they threaten or physical, emotional or financial health?

What can we do to quell these urges when they threaten or physical, emotional or financial health?

In Transactional Analysis we often look at human personality from the perspective of ego states. The ego state model is useful because is gives us something to hang our ideas onto. It’s a model of personality. At the risk of upsetting many TA therapists, I am going to boil the ego state model down to the simplest level possible (TA aficionados are welcome to post comments, please keep the swearing to a minimum!).

Our thinking, feelings and behaviour can be divided into several parts. These are known as Parent, Adult and Child ego states. The normal convention is to capitalise when discussing ego states and use lower case when referring to real parents, adults and childs (I know, it’s not a real word but I kinda like it!). The ego state model I am writing about is referred to as the functional model – how we use the ego states to relate to others and ourselves.

Our Parent ego state pretty much repeats what we heard from our childhood caretakers. It is full of information from them about how to view see the world and how to react to it. This information can be Nurturing (NP) or Controlling (CP). There are positive and negative aspects of Controlling and Nurturing Parent. It’s good to have a Controlling Parent to tell you to stop and check before crossing a road but not so good to hear that Controlling Parent in your head all the time telling you that you are doing things wrong. The Nurturing Parent that allows overindulgence in chocolate (or IPads) can be doing you a disservice, but the Nurturing Parent that tells you or someone else who has been working hard to take a break can be very useful.

Our Adult ego state is able to take in the here and now reality of the situation. It processes information and regulates most of the things we do. When we follow instructions or drive a car, our Adult ego state is happily and fruitfully engaged.

Our Child ego state can be compliant and well mannered or rebellious and badly behaved. In TA terms both of these would be classed as “Adapted Child” (AC) as in both situations we are adapting to the environment around us, either positively or negatively. The other way the Child ego state functions in is called “Free Child”(FC). The Free Child likes to run barefoot on a sun drenched beach, play and laugh with those nearby, cry when sad, shout when angry. The free Child is not restricted by what others think.

There are entire books written about ego states, various models and theories about how they work or even if they exist at all so if it is a subject you are interested in I would recommend more research. TA today by Stuart and Joines would be a good place to start.

In my next article I am going to explain what may be going on in my ego states when I think of that Apple iPad. Please comment at the bottom of this article and press all of the other pretty buttons to send it to other social media sites!

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ego states, Urges and me – part 3

06/07/2010 By Ian Tomlinson

If we go back to the scenario we were facing in the first part of the article. I have a burning desire to run down to the local Apple store and buy a brand new shiny iPad (this is not made up, that urge is definitely there!!). My bank balance dictates otherwise.

In the second part of this post I looked at some Transactional Analysis ideas around managing our urges. To round everything off nicely I want to conclude by telling you about the Acceptance and Commitment technique we can use to manage our impulses called urge surfing.

I’ll talk you through how I could do it with my iPad urge.

The first question is to ask myself if buying an apple iPad links with my values. At the moment the answer has to be no. My values around money are to live within my means and spend money carefully (I don’t always manage to do this, but having a values system increases the chances that I will considerably). If the answer was yes it does fit in with my values, then I could just go buy it.

Because the answer is no I go on to the next stage. There is no point in trying to make the urge go away. It’s a bit like not thinking about a pink elephant. The more you tell your self to not think about a pink elephant the more you are actually thinking about a pink elephant (like you are thinking about one now!) So I will make space for the thought. I can accept it. In ACT terms this is known as expansion. Russ Harris explains all of this beautifully in his book The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living.

Russ also explains why the technique is called urge surfing;

Have you ever sat of the beach and watched the waves? Just noticed them coming and going? A wave starts off small and build gently. Then gradually it gathers speed and grows bigger. It continues to grow and move forward until it reaches a peak, known as a crest. Then once the wave has crested, it gradually subsides.

Russ goes on to compare this with the urges we get. They start small, build up to a peak then gradually subside down to nothing – if we learn to surf!

Here’s how I could do it with my urge;

Feel the urge in my body. Sit with it. Where is it? I can feel my iPad urge in my chest. It feels like tightness, an excitement about the prospect of getting a new toy.
Give the urge a number. Out of 10, how much do I really want an iPad? At the moment of writing I would rate it at 7. I would really like one but it’s not life and death!
Acknowledge that it’s OK to have thoughts and desires about something without having to act on them. I am not my thoughts; I can make room for this urge and be OK.
Work out what I can do instead that does fit in with my values – go for a run? Go relax? whatever it is I can go do that right now.
Next time the urge returns, be it a few minutes or a few hours later, score it out of 10 again. I may note that the urge has increased or decreased. It reminds me that the strength of my desires change and are as controllable as the weather. I do not need to struggle with them, just accept and make space for them.

This all may sound like a long and drawn out process but let’s face it, we think quickly. All of this can rush through our minds in a few seconds. Another thing to understand is that we have lots of urges during a day and many of them are no problem at all. Have the urge to eat a Jammy Dodger? Go eat a Jammy Dodger, it’s not really going to impact on our lives (unless we are allergic to jam!) Have an urge to eat a packet of Jammy Dodgers? Now, that might be a problem if our values are to stay healthy and maintain a sensible weight and diet so get your metaphorical wet suit on ready for action!

I want to finish this set of articles off by a great example of how it can be great to give in to urges sometimes. Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis, bought a Maserati which he loved dearly, he even gave it the name “Mazeltov”. When asked about how he came around to the decision to buy it he joked;

“all 3 ego states bought the Mazeltov. The Child wanted it, the Adult needed it, and the Parent says drive carefully.”

I guess it’s cool for us all to have our Mazeltov’s now and again.

If you are interested in having therapy in Manchester with me just ring 07966 390857 for an appointment.