Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

How To “Do” Therapy.

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How to "do" therapyNever had therapy? No idea of what to expect when you come for the first time to a therapist? Wondering what to “do”? All of these questions can naturally bring anxiety and tension for us and there’s no doubt that many are put off getting the help they need because they see counselling for “weak” people who should be able to sort their own problems out. Lets turn that around though. If we understand that many of us find the thought of going to a therapist for the first time daunting, then we can acknowledge that it takes bravery to step up to the plate and make that first appointment. It’s the first step down the road to positive change.

Any therapist worth their salt will recognise that you feel scared and unsure in your first session and will be supportive and reassuring. Once the initial session is over and you meet your therapist for the first time those stresses will ease and the fear factor will melt away.

In my first sessions working with individual clients and couples I spend time getting to know what has brought you into therapy and what you want the outcome to be. It’s also an opportunity for you to get a look at me and ask me any questions you have about the process, who I am, my method of working and decide whether you think I’m the right therapist for you.  It gives me an opportunity to decide whether I can help you or if it would be more appropriate to refer you to another therapist who could meet your needs more effectively.

So what are you as a client supposed to do when in therapy? Well the most important thing to do is be as open and as honest as you feel safe to be.  I’m not suggesting that you go into your first session and pour out your deepest thoughts and feelings, in fact I would advise strongly against doing that until you have tested the relationship with your therapist for a few weeks and you feel ready to expose yourself a little more.  Pace yourself, get used to the process and relax.

Many would argue that the type of therapy you have is unimportant.  They are all just different ways of reaching the same goal.  The relationship you have with your therapist is the key.  Building trust and learning intimacy in a unique safe setting can be a truly liberating experience.  The relationship you have with your therapist gives you the space and opportunity to test out a different way of relating to people in a safe environment.

Before you know it, you will be “doing” therapy without giving it a second thought.  Hopefully this will be a life changing experience.

Counsellor Or Therapist – What’s The Difference And How Do I Choose One?

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Are counsellors and therapists different and how do I choose?You will notice that on my site I mix up the terms “counselling” and “therapy”. Is there a difference? For all intents and purposes there are no differences when I use these terms and I think that is pretty common across my peers too. Counsellors and therapists do have different qualifications and have gone through different processes to get “certified” but that should not necessarily make any difference to potential clients. Research has shown that all of the different modalities are about as effective as each other and what is important is the relationship you have with your counsellor.

Counselling for Individuals

If it’s individual counselling you are looking for then you are spoilt for choice! There are at least four Transactional Analysis centres I can think of off the top of my head that are training establishments for TA psychotherapists (like me) which puts a great choice of therapists on the market. Many of the local colleges train person-centred counsellors just to add to the mix and there are other modalities out there too that you may be interested in.

Counselling for Couples

For couples counselling things become a little more limited. Many therapists shy away from couples or marriage counselling. This is because the training that we therapists and counsellors receive is almost entirely aimed at working with individuals. If you try to apply a model aimed at individuals to a couple it doesn’t work – there is one too many people!! Many counsellors are also scared at the prospect of having a couple sat in front of them who evidently don’t like each other very much and could explode into an argument at any moment! It’s easier then (and safer) for counsellors to stick with individuals only.

I am somewhat of a rarity (some say oddity!) in that I have sought specific training in Imago Relationship Therapy which is solely aimed at working with couples. I did this because I too felt under trained and wanted to do a good job with my couple’s clients. The training has helped me feel like a safe pair of hands for those that work with me. I love the ideas behind Imago Relationship Therapy and have been interested in it for many years.

Things are different in the USA. There are lots of therapists out there working solely with couples and therapists have much more access to training too. I have to travel down to London to be trained in Imago Relationship Therapy and my trainer flies in from Montreal, Canada,where she lives (this makes her arms very tired!) I guess in American culture if you have a problem with your marriage then you go out, seek help from someone qualified and get it fixed. In the UK we seem to go for the “stiff upper lip – put up and shut up” approach or just get divorced, which I feel very sad about.

How do you know who to work with?

As an individual looking for counselling or therapy I would advise you to start on the internet and check out a few websites. What is your impression of the person who has designed the site? Do they show passion and enthusiasm for their subject? Do you feel connected to them when you read their stuff? There may be more practical aspects that help you narrow things down if you have particular requirements. You may want to work with a male or female therapist – if it’s a male therapist you want then this will make things slightly more challenging as it’s a female dominated industry with about 30% of therapists being male – we are a rare breed!

For a couples counsellor or marriage counsellor I would do the same but ask what specific training your prospective therapist has had in order to train them to work with couples. A two day workshop five years ago is not going to be as useful as a year or more’s intensive training in a dedicated model aimed at couples. Again, if you want to work with a particular type of counsellor then for couples therapists it becomes even harder. I am the only person with training in Imago Relationship Therapy in Manchester. The nearest other individuals I know of are in Lancaster (a fellow trainee) and Sheffield. There are lots of Imago Therapists in London but that’s a hell of a distance to drive for a one hour therapy session!

Once you have identified someone who you think you may like to work with give them a ring and talk to them. They may have no availability or you may decide after chatting to them that they are not the person for you.

If they do have availability and you do like the sound of them then go have an initial session and see how you feel. You can walk away at any time and you are not committed to seeing any therapist for a set number of sessions.

Therapy is a personal thing and you need to feel safe whilst you are doing it. It is also life changing. There are plenty of great therapists out there, if you think that you may want to try me out then ring me on 07966 390857 or use my contact form above to get in touch.  I look forward to hearing from you 🙂

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Anger Management – Self-help Strategies

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anger management self help strategiesIn the last post, I outlined some ideas about why some of people suffer from anger issues (if you missed it, just click here to catch up). In this post I will talk about ways in which you can manage your anger.

Although I do see many individuals who have anger issues I am going to focus on do-able strategies you can be successful with without the help of a therapist in this post. If you want to tackle the route cause of the anger which may be buried somewhere within your childhood, I would recommend you work with a therapist to support and guide you in this process – it’s what they spend years of their life training to do.

Step 1 – Stock take your anger

It’s difficult to sort any problem out on your own unless you know the extent of it. If you were in financial trouble and wanted to get yourself out of debt, doing an audit of your spending would be a good idea. What are you spending your money on? Where can you cut down on spending? How much do you owe in total? The same holds true for anger. Keep a daily anger journal. Focus on the following things:

  • Who is stimulating angry feelings in you?
  • What situations cause you to feel angry?
  • What other things trigger anger for you?
  • What thoughts are going through your head when you feel angry?
  • What physical sensations in your body do you feel (e.g., chest feels tight, headache arrives)?
  • What do you do when you feel angry?

Step 2 – Analyse your journal for patterns

You are looking for common themes. If you know when you are likely to feel angry and can tell the signs of oncoming anger you can take steps to move around the problem. It’s like avoiding a hole in the road. If you know it’s coming up you can change lanes to avoid it or take another road all together.

Step 3 – Break the anger down into phases

Chances are your anger will involve different components all of which you will have written about in your journal. These components are as follows:

  • Cognitive – your thoughts
  • Physiological – how your body feels
  • Affective – the emotions you feel
  • Behavioural – what you do

You have the power to catch the anger when you notice any of these components come into play. These components usually go in a predictable order too. We are going to go back to Johnny from part 1 of this post. Johnny can see the following pattern:

Johnny sees others not measuring up to his unrealistic expectations -> Johnny feels the adrenaline pumping in his body and his muscles feel tight – > his anger starts to rise -> Johnny starts shouting and pointing aggressively

Step 4 – break the sequence

This is the tough part! Make a choice now. Do you want to sort your anger out or don’t you? Don’t mince – commit! Think about what it’s costing you. Do you want to keep paying or do you want to change? If you truly want to change you can hijack the negative pattern at any of the stages:

  • Cognitive – Are your thoughts about what should happen realistic. Be aware of the “Parent” words you may use in your head. “should”, “must”, “have to” are all words you have probably received as Parent messages from your caregivers as you grew up. The reality is that there is no one way of being or doing things as long as you hit your target. If Jenny at the office chooses to leave her work to the last minute and then furiously type it up at the end of the day, that’s ok as long as she gets it done. Also remember that your thoughts are just thoughts. They have no power. It’s what you do that counts not what you think. Thank your mind for the thoughts that have come into your head and decide to behave in a calm way. I discuss this as a technique in much more detail in my post on anxiety.
  • Physiological/affective – Your body and your emotions can both be soothed using similar techniques. It’s a bit of a cliché but it really is about counting to ten! If you have time you can use a grounding technique to bring yourself under control and back to the here and now. If you don’t have time and you feel the red mist rising then breathe, count to ten slowly and remember that long term anger is bad for you and you don’t want to do it that way anymore.
  • Behavioural – Do it differently. You feel like kicking off but it’s getting you nowhere and causing you problems. If you can, explain to the other party that you are feeling angry and you need to take yourself away to calm down then do it. Go for a walk, refocus, hit a pillow or other (non-living) soft object to get the energy out or do something else that is going to allow you to calm down. If you can’t get away then a great way of dealing with it is to express it in a straight way without shouting or screaming.  Tell the other person how you feel using action/feeling statements. Johnny might say to his boss “when you give me work to complete at the last minute I feel angry so I would like you to build reasonable deadlines into your requests”. That might sound a pretty challenging statement but it’s miles better than “bloody hell, you want me to get this done by tomorrow? Are you joking you idiot?!!” and less likely to get you sacked. To read about emotional literacy you can read my book review of Claude Steiner’s book.

Easy eh? Well, no it’s not – but it’s all doable if you commit to it. You are not going to get it right all the time. There will be some techniques you like better than others. You may want to use a combination of them all and go with the flow using the technique that seems most appropriate at the time. Understand though that you can change. You have the power. Good luck, and if there’s any way I can help, just get in touch.

If you are interested in coming on my anger management course please click this link to read more about it or phone me on 07966 390857.

What do you think of the techniques mentioned here? Do you use any of them now? Are you unsure about how to do it? Ask your questions or make a comment in the box below.

Image: Stefano Valle / FreeDigitalPhotos.net