therapist

Counselling Stockport

21/04/2012 By Ian Tomlinson

Counselling Stockport

It’s been a while since I have written a blog post and so I thought it might be useful to bring things up to date on what’s going on with me providing counselling Stockport. I hope this helps those who are unsure of who I am or how counselling or therapy can help them. In this post I also want to answer the most common questions I get asked about the counselling process. Please email me using my contact form if you have any questions I do not answer in this post.

Who am I?

My name is Ian Tomlinson and I am a counsellor in Stockport. I have run Manchester Psychotherapy for the last four years and enjoy being a therapist immensely. I also work part time as a teacher in Secondary Education and feel that this fits very well with my role as a therapist.

Both jobs are about relationships, both jobs are about bringing the best out in people and both jobs require empathy, kindness and a good sense of humour. It’s pretty common for therapists to work part time and this may well be something to do with the solitary nature of the job. Full time therapists have the potential to be on their own a lot and need to plan strategies to deal with this.

For me, I have a close group of colleagues that I work with on a daily basis and around seven hundred little people that are very happy to “keep things real” for me!

Counselling Stockport For Individuals

My Practice is currently about 50% individuals work and 50% couples work. I tend to work with people over a long period of time but I have worked with clients for as little as eight weeks and they have experienced massive change and not needed to come to therapy after that.

I guess this answers a commonly asked question, “how long will I need to be in therapy for?” The answer is often “as long as you need to be”.

I have found with my own therapy that sometimes I am in the right place for it and it helps enormously and at other times I feel that I have taken what I need from it and it is time to stop. You will know when the time to stop is right for you.

There are occasions where I will suggest to a client that they are ready to stop coming. When we have worked effectively and made the changes set out in the therapeutic contract then it could be time to give therapy a rest for a bit and recalibrate.

What issues do I work with when providing counselling Stockport?

Again, this is another common quesiton from people who are interested in coming for counselling in Stockport with me. I have dealt with a whole spectrum of issues, from depression, stress, anxiety, gender identity, anger management issues, jealousy and other’s I have probably forgotten to put in the list!

Often what a client comes with and what we end up talking about are very different. This is because our stresses and strains can manifest themselves in a multitude of ways.

Men’s issues

I do spend a lot of time working with men and men’s issues. Many men find talking to a counsellor challenging in itself, so to be able to talk to a male therapist takes some of the anxiety away. I have blogged extensively about how rubbish us men can be at dealing with emotional issues and unfortunately it does cost us dearly. Suicide rates amongst young adult males are the highest out of all other groups and the prison population is over 90% male. The sooner we are able to learn that the most powerful men are those that can deal with their emotions effectively, the better.

I regularly work with sexual minority clients too. Gay men and lesbians form a significant percentage of my client base and I am a gay affirmative therapist. This means that I will never question an individuals sexuality and see gay and straight as normal as each other (what is normal anyway?). I have a good understanding of issues faced by the LGBT community and am used to dealing with these. It may be that sometimes, as a straight man myself, I need information from my clients to help me with understanding the finer details of an issue or situation, but I find I learn from all my clients and this is one of the most enjoyable parts of being a therapist for me.

How to start

So if you were to want to come to my counselling Stockport service then what should you do? Firstly get in contact by ringing me on 07966 390857 or email me using my contact form. From there we will have an initial meeting and I will ask you what brings you into therapy and how you think I can help you. You will have an opportunity to ask me any questions you have about who I am or how I work and I will talk through the business contract and ask you a few standard intake questions (name, address, doctors address – the usual therapy stuff).

From there we will go on a journey together. I won’t be telling you what to do or what to think but I may challenge negative beliefs you have had for years or give alternative ways of doing things.

With some clients I will be very structured and provide a clear framework, others require time to explore what’s going on for them and time to reflect.

Take a leap of faith – it may change your life.

Going to a counsellor or therapist in Stockport can require serious bravery. I can remember skulking around the front door of my first therapist, not sure of what I would find but with a deep need to talk to someone about things that were going on for me that were causing me great anxiety. I could see myself repeating the same negative patterns in my life and I was fed up of shooting myself in the foot.

Therapy changed my life. It gave me a new way of seeing the events that had taken place and a new way or relating to the most important people in my life. The counselling I had made such an impression that I got interested in the subject and here I am, nearly twenty years later, helping others change their lives.

So take a leap of faith, give me a ring on 07966 390857 and make an appointment. I get that you may be nervous and I can assure you that I will look after you throughout the process.

How has counselling made a difference to your life?

If you are reading this post having experienced counselling please comment below and let me know how it made a difference to you. What was the key moment for you? What would you say to others who are unsure about picking up the phone and making an appointment?

If you have any questions about me and the counselling Stockport service please get in touch and I will get back to you qucikly.

The Drama Triangle – Shall We Dance?

02/10/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to write about the Drama Triangle as it’s probably the concept that has had more “aha” factor than any of the others with my clients. People tend to “get it” and, as if by magic, the behaviour patterns that they have been engaged in with others suddenly become apparent. The concept also invites the client to think about the messages they learnt about themselves and others as they were growing up. This new awareness gives an ability to change and pull themselves out of unproductive ways of being.

What is the Drama Triangle?

The Drama Triangle was created by Steven Karpman as a different way of looking at Berne’s Game theory. Karpman suggested that there are three roles that people can take when they play games:

Persecutor – Persecutors take the “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position. They bully, snipe, bitch and intimidate others.

Rescuer – The Rescuer also takes the “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position but the feel is very different. Rescuers “take care” of others whether the other person wants looking after or not. They presume that others do not have the ability to do things for themselves.

Victim – Victims take the “I’m not OK, You’re OK” position. They look for others to either “look after” them or pick on them.

So, which one are you? If you’re like the rest of us then you’re probably all of them! You are, however, likely to favour one of these Drama Triangle positions over the others.

All three of these roles are inauthentic – that is, they are based on the past ideas and beliefs that the individual has formed about themselves and others throughout childhood. The positions are likely to confirm script beliefs and are responding to past events rather than the here and now.

Let’s just take a minute to think about that for a while. If I’m treating someone like a Victim and I am Rescuing them, then that has probably more to do with my beliefs formed in my childhood than the needs of the person I am Rescuing. The here and now reality of the situation is ignored (discounted) and I just carry out those actions that have been programmed into me as a child. The great thing about that program is that we wrote it and we can change it. I think it is this program that gets revealed to clients I explain the Drama triangle to. On seeing the program they can decide whether it is useful anymore and how it needs to be altered. The process of psychotherapy then supports and facilitates the changes the client wants to make.

The diagram used to show the relationship between these positions is drawn like this:

The important thing to see here is those arrows going in both directions. When playing games an individual tends to move around the triangle taking all of the roles at different times. We dance around the triangle with our opposite number taking on all of the roles.

Here’s an example of a conversation between two people that demonstrates the triangle nicely.

Jamie: Why are you late again? You’re always late for everything and I’m sick of it! (persecutor)

Lesley: I’m really sorry, I forgot to set my alarm. Please don’t be mad at me. (victim)

Jamie: Well you’re stupid and inconsiderate. I’ve no idea why I put up with you! (persecutor)

Lesley: It’s not as if you are perfect. Stop shouting at me now otherwise you will regret it! (persecutor)

Jamie: OK, OK. Calm down. I didn’t mean to upset you. (victim)

Lesley: Well you never help me with my lateness so what do you expect? (Persecutor)

Jamie: OK, so from now on I will set your alarm for you and make sure you get out of the house on time. (Rescuer)

Note how the positions change, and when one player moves position that invites movement of the other player.

When is a rescue a Rescue?

The convention is to capitalize the R when discussing the drama triangle type of Rescuing, Persecuting or Victim to distinguish it from the non-drama type. The difference is that when a game-playing Rescue takes place then the Rescuer is usually doing something that they do not really want to do but they think that they “ought” to. A Rescue also involves a discount of self or other (as all the positions in the triangle do). In the example above, Jamie is discounting the ability of Lesley, who is an adult, to set an alarm clock. Also, Jamie really does not want the added stress of making sure that Lesley is not late any more but feels obliged to “help” Lesley with this. The ideas that Jamie should do this will have been formed in childhood and are part of her script beliefs.

Why do we play on the Drama Triangle?

We dance round this triangle for the same reason that we play games; we want to get our needs met but we are often too scared to ask for what we want directly. Asking for what we want, being intimate with others, feels dangerous and there is the highest risk that we may be rejected so we take one step down and play games instead to attempt to manipulate others into giving us what we want without being explicit.

The cost of doing this can be high. Each position has its own payoff and these often reinforce the beliefs about self. For example, in the script above, Jamie may once again see that her needs are not important and that she has to look after others to be OK. This leaves her feeling angry and uncared for.

How do we step off the Drama Triangle?

The solution is simple. Step off the triangle by being intimate with those you talk to. This can be carried out simply by using Steiner’s “action-feeling” statements.
The first transaction from Jamie may then have looked like this:

Jamie “When you turn up late I feel angry and annoyed. In future I would like you to turn up on time or ring me to let me know you’ve been held up”.

This statement invites Lesley to think about her behaviour and how it’s had an impact on Jamie. It invites Lesley to stay in Adult ego state and be empathic to Jamie’s needs.

What’s the next step?

I think the next step is to become aware of the ways in which you are dancing on the drama triangle. Notice which positions you take more often. Do you take different positions with different people? How does your drama triangle position connect with your experiences in childhood? When you have gathered this information you can decide to do things differently. Whenever we do things differently there is likely to be feelings that come up for us so seek out a close friend or family member you can talk this through with or work with a therapist to help you make the changes you want.

What do you think about the drama triangle? Do you have great strategies to get yourself off the triangle into closer connection? Please comment on your Drama Triangle experiences using the space below.

Does Therapy work?

29/06/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

Big question. And as far as I’m concerned there is a simple answer. Yes. Therapy can work very effectively. I can hear you now though, quite rightly, shouting at your monitor, “but you’re a therapist so you’re bound to say that” so let’s see if I can convince you further.

As a therapist my starting place has to be my own experience. When I am working as a therapistI witness clients making positive changes in their lives consistently and I have also experienced these changes in my own life. Sometimes it can take weeks for that “aha” moment to arrive, but when it does that moment can, literally, be life changing. It was these moments, these insights into my own ways of thinking that stimulated my interest in psychotherapy. I was able to use this knowledge to live my life differently, to develop better relationships and to change my behaviour for the better. Now, many years later, I have the privilege of being let into other people’s lives to support and guide them whilst they examine their lives and make positive change.

My next step is a quick trawl around the internet. The website talkingcure gives many examples of where research supports the idea that therapy is effective. Most of this research has been carried out by health services of countries around the world to see if they are getting their monies worth out of their counselling services (money is a great motivator for research!).

The following studies are just a couple of the examples included on the site:

Chiles et al (1999) found that psychological services reduced medical expenses in patients undergoing surgery and those with a history of over utilization. On average, there was a 20% saving, even when the cost of providing the services was subtracted from the savings.

Research* showed that therapy carried out with men who batter their wives proved highly successful with 60% of men not re-offending within the thirty month follow up period and the wives of these men feeling “very safe” in 83% of cases.

Smith and Glass (1977) carried out research into the effectiveness of different types of therapy. Results of nearly 400 controlled evaluations of psychotherapy and counselling were coded and integrated statistically. The findings provided convincing evidence of the efficacy of psychotherapy. On the average they concluded that the typical therapy client was better off than 75% of untreated individuals. More interestingly, they found that the type of therapy received by the client had little bearing on the rate of success. This is further evidence for the idea that it is what happens between the client and the therapist, the relationship that forms, that is the deciding factor for a successful outcome.

Martindale (1978) questions the validity of research into the effectiveness of psychotherapy and states that answering a question such as “does therapy work” is impossible as there are too many variables. All clients are different, all therapists are different. He argues that a therapist may be effective for one client but ineffective for another. It’s easy to see the logic of this argument and how we know which therapist is best for us will be the subject of another entry at a later date.

So where have we got to so far? Both research and personal experience support the idea that therapy can be useful. I appreciate that I have only given evidence of three research studies but I invite you to follow my links and check out my references for dozens of studies that conclude therapy is effective.

This does not mean however that we need to run to our nearest therapist and sign up for a course of treatment! Going into therapy is a very personal and often very frightening step for many to take. You take that step when you are ready to engage with the process and feel in your heart that it’s right for you. I remember my first session even to this day. I arrived fifteen minutes early and “cased” the joint to see if there was anyone around who would spot me going in. I seriously considered turning around and going back home! Eventually I plucked up the courage, knocked on the door and therein began this journey.

I think that initial step of seeking emotional support from others may be more difficult for men than for women. This is backed up by the suicide figures for each sex where in 2008 where per 100000 of the UK population, 17.7 men committed suicide compared to just 5.4 women (age standardised rates taken from www.statistics.gov.uk). Once more, I’m sure this will feature as a subject in my future writings.

So, to conclude, I would say that yes, therapy does work. It can be an effective means to resolve problems as wide ranging as anxiety, stress, sexual identity, depression, lack of purpose, jealousy and a multitude of other issues that we can have whirling through our heads at particular times in our lives. So when you’re ready, if you want to, pick up a phone and make that first appointment.

References

Chiles, J. et al. (1999). The impact of psychological interventions on medical cost offset: a meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology, 6(2), 204-220.

Martindale, C. “The Therapist-as-Fixed-Effect Fallacy in Psychotherapy Research”. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 1978, Vol. 46, No. 6, 1526-1530

*Peterson, K. (July 27, 1988). Programs help men unlearn violence. USA Today, p. 1.

Smith, M. and Glass, G. “Meta-Analysis of Psychotherapy Outcome Studies”. American Psychologist. September 1977. p752-760.