sadness

Keep Calm And Carry On

23/04/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

I was seriously tempted not to write a post today. It would be the first time for a year that I would have missed publishing a post at the weekend. I thought about ditching the post because I have a tonne of other stuff to do and many other stresses to contend with. I thought “who would actually notice if I just skipped one week?” The answer I came back with was – ME. I would notice! I have set myself a challenge to write one post a week and I am determined to keep it up, so read on for a bit of an explanation!

There are various work related stresses that have arisen over the past couple of weeks. I guess as I have become more successful then there have been more demands on my time and an increase in tasks that are difficult to put off or avoid completely. Coupled with that, a serious family illness in my family has really knocked me for six and left me confused and scared about the future. I am now slowly getting my head around this. So I thought it was about time I took some of my own advice. What would I say to a client who was in my situation? Probably the following;

Feel your feelings, do not bottle them up. Cry if you want to cry and feel the sadness, it’s healthy.
Talk about things to your loved ones and your friends. A problem shared is a problem halved.
Go easy on yourself. Give yourself time to indulge and look after that Child that is within us all.
Realise that feelings take time to work themselves through. There are no quick fixes.
Get out and do things when you feel you are really struggling.
Exercise is a great way to pick yourself up. The natural endorphins help improve mood.

Ok, I admit that I haven’t done the exercise thing, but the rest of the list has been followed and I feel that I can manage and I will be OK.

The situation did get me thinking about how we British deal with stress and anxiety. That message “keep calm and carry on”, the stiff upper lip, is embedded into our culture and does serve a purpose at times. It has allowed me to get on with working and do what I have to do despite my sad feelings. I also believe, however, that it needs to be balanced with permission to feel our feelings when the space and time is right. This may be at home or in the company of supportive friends or your counsellor.

As for the anxious feelings, well I was very impressed with Russell Brand’s response when Piers Morgan asked him whether he will make mistakes in the future (as he seems to have the ability to do in his own inimitable way). Brand’s reply was “I don’t have to worry about that right now, all I have to deal with is you sitting in front of me”.

“The past is history, the future a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called “the present”” (Kung Fu Panda)

Image: Suat Eman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

5 Ways To Cope With Grief

15/01/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

In the last article I looked at the five stages of grief . I stated that we feel grief at all sorts of times in our lives, not just when a loved one has died. I find that grief is one of the most common issues that clients have to deal with. In this article I will outline some simple strategies that may help the grieving process.

Accept your feelings. This is a key strategy when we grieve. If we allow ourselves to feel the pain and the sadness and don’t try to avoid it or push it away then the grieving process will run its course and allow you to heal as it is intended to do.

Do something physical. Whether it is a slow walk in the park or a fast bout of circuit training at the local gym, exercise can help you move through the myriad of feelings you are having. Your endorphin levels in your blood will rise and a happier mood will probably arise. Exercise also usually involves getting yourself outside too. Being in the fresh air can work wonders for your mood at times (as I type this it’s chucking it down outside, another rainy day in Manchester, so I’m aware that going outside isn’t always a mood lift!)

Tidy up. Again, this may well be about getting yourself physically active and making changes in your surroundings. Moving furniture, having a sort out and decluttering can all make the space you inhabit seem more your own. This can lead to help feelings of control come back into your life.

Talk to friends. You may want to talk to them about the loss that you have experienced or you may want to talk about anything but the loss. Do your friends a favour and give them a heads up about what you do want to talk about and how you want them to be. They may be anxious about talking about your loss so reassure them that it’s ok and it’s what you need or let them know that you are talking to them to take your mind off the situation for a while. Just simple statements like “Hi Bob, I really have the need to talk about losing Jenny right now, would you be willing to listen for five minutes? I don’t need you to try to make me feel better, just a listening ear would be great” will reassure your friend and may result in a more useful conversation for you. It goes without saying that some friends will respond better than others, you will know which ones to pick to get what you need.

Get help from a therapist. Us therapists are trained to help you with your grief. We can’t wave a magic wand and make it go away but we can sit with you and guide you through it. Not everyone will need a therapist to do this but if you are finding things really tough then it may be a good idea to book in with one and see if it helps. If you are interested in working with me, just use the contact form above or phone me on 07966 390857.

All of the strategies above are different ways to manage your grieving process. You may want to use all or none of them. The most important thing is that you give yourself permission to grieve. By doing this you will release the energy stuck in your grieving process so it can be put into having a full life when you are ready.

Why All Our Emotions Are Important

09/10/2010 By Ian Tomlinson

As a therapist I spend a great deal of my time talking to clients about their emotions. For some clients this is no problem, they live in an emotional world. For others I can ask what they are feeling and I see a look of confusion descend. Some of us are good with emotions; some of us are good at hiding them. We all have them.

I can remember the first time I came across the concept that there are only four emotions. It was explained to me that humans are happy, sad, angry or scared. Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis even dismissed anger as a racket feeling, which would leave us with three. The explanation continued with the statement that all other emotions are a combination of the four. Jealousy, for example, is a combination of anger and scare. Boredom is just another way of saying we feel angry.

Whilst I agree that this is a blatant oversimplification of the vast emotional spectrum we experience, I like the simplicity of it. It’s a great way of getting to the bottom of our feelings and reduces the chance that we will use language to deny our real feelings. It’s like saying you are annoyed when really you mean you feel angry. Anger feels much more genuine and is more likely to lead to constructive change. It moves away from the passivity of “annoyed”.

All emotions are OK and all have a valuable part to play in keeping us on an even keel. Here’s a quick rundown of what they do for us:

Happiness

This one, I don’t have to explain! When we feel happy the world is great, everything is fine and we want for nothing. Unfortunately though, there is a common misconception that this is how we should feel all the time. Imagine if we did. Happiness would become normality. How would we then distinguish the great times from the rest of our lives? Being happy all the time is an unrealistic expectation that, ironically, decreases the chance that you will feel happy because you become angry at your lack of happiness! I’m going to stop there with that one because I’m tying myself in emotional knots!

Sadness

This is the bad boy of the gang. No one likes to be sad. Sadness has got a bad press (I feel sad for sad). Sadness gives us permission to slow down, do less, withdraw from the world and do what we need to do in order to successfully get on with our lives again once we ready. We may have heard bad news, been let down or even lost someone close to us. Sadness is there to give us time to sort this out in our head. It’s OK to be sad. It’s useful and just as important as happiness over the course of our lives. Give yourself permission to go with it and it will pass, and you will have grown.

Anger

Anger can give us the energy to change situations that are pissing us off! The rush of adrenaline, the focused mind, these could save us from harm or pull us out of bad situations. Anger is readily embraced by some, hence the need for “anger management“, but for all of us anger can result in change for the better if used appropriately.

Fear

Fear keeps us safe and protects us from dangerous situations. Fear can also hold you back from doing all things in life you’d like to. In therapeutic terms it’s important to distinguish between fear, which is rational and from the Adult ego state, and scare, which is from the Child ego state. It’s that scare, which kept us safe when we were kids, but can be a block now we are adults. During the process of therapy, many people learn to let go of those scary feelings about issues we have echoing from our childhood and move on with our lives.

I make no apologies for repeating this next statement; all emotions are OK. They are all equal. When they get out of balance we may need help to adjust. Too much of any of them might not be useful for us and could lead to depression, anxiety or anger issues. But pushing our emotions away just moves those feelings inside and they manifest in other ways, often through physical illnesses or stress. So don’t deny them, be with your emotions and they will serve you well.