Coming out

I read with interest an article on the medical news today website that coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual increases happiness and improves the mental health of the individual concerned.

The report (which you can read here) states that revealing your sexual identity in a supportive workplace decreases feelings of anger, depression and improves self esteem.

The research, carried out jointly by the University of Rochester in the USA and the University of Essex in the UK, asked detailed questions to 161 gay, lesbian and bisexual volunteers about their level of ‘outness’, their sense of well being and their perceptions of acceptance.

Many of the findings were not surprising to me at all. Participants tended to be more closed in environments that they perceived as controlling and tended to hide their sexual orientation in religious settings. Most of the individuals had come out to their friends (only 13% had not) and this is where they had the greatest feelings of self worth and belonging.

The health benefits of coming out

Interestingly, those that came out in hostile environments felt about the same level of well being as those that had not come out at all. This was put down to the fact that the negative experiences were diluted by the positive feelings of acceptance from others. This kind of suggests that if you are thinking about coming out then you are going to be no worse off than you would have been had you decided to stay closeted.

Being closeted has been shown to increase the risk of difficult romantic relationships, more anxiety and even increased the chances of suicide.

What should we make of all of this? I completely get that LGB individuals have the “should I or shouldn’t I” question to face every time they enter a new environment. For some this is not an issue. I have worked with lesbian and gay clients from both ends of the spectrum. Some are openly gay and make no bones about it. They have the “I’m gay – deal with it” attitude wherever they go and the research discussed above would suggest that this is the most healthy approach from a well being point of view. I have also worked with LGB clients who would never reveal their sexuality to anyone.

For me it brings to the fore how important our sexual identity is. It is an essential and integral part of who we are. As a “straight” man I have never had to make the decision about whether I tell others about an important part of who I am or not. I do know what it’s like to keep secrets though. Sometimes it feels OK for me and other times I feel that if I could only explain this part of my life then I would make more sense to those around me.

Feeling OK with who you are

The key feature here is that in order to make the decision of whether or not to come out there needs to be a feeling of safety and “OKness”. When that feeling is present then coming out can lead to real benefits for the person concerned. This OK feeling about your sexuality may increase by working with a gay affirmative therapist and challenging some of the homophobic ideas prevalent in society. These are easy to internalise as a child and need to be challenged and exposed for what they are – prejudiced thoughts from ignorant individuals.

What are your experiences of coming out?

What do you think about this issue? If you are lesbian, bisexual or gay have you come out? What are your experiences of coming out, or choosing to stay ‘in’? I would love to hear your opinions and learn more from what you have to say about this important issue. What are your experiences of coming out?

Need help with coming out? Check out Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers which is a great step-by step guide to coming out and what you may face when going through the process.

Last Tuesday (12^th October 2010) was “National Coming out Day” in the UK. To quote Wikipedia, this is “an internationally observed civil awareness day for coming out and discussion about gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual and transgender (LGBT) issues”. It seems appropriate then, for this week’s blog post to be about working with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender clients.

I’ll start off by stating that I am a gay affirmative therapist. I don’t give two hoots whether you are gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual or transgender. We are all OK and there are no goods or bads, rights or wrongs, there’s just us.

I believe that human sexuality is a continuum, it’s a grey scale and we are all somewhere on it. This belief is backed up by research by Kinsey (1953) and Klein (1985). Klein went further and suggested that there is fluidity to our sexuality throughout time. There is no doubt in my mind that our sexuality plays an important part of defining who we are and this is an issue that we all must examine regardless of our sexual orientation.

Issues that need accounting for with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender clients.

Societal oppression – It wasn’t too many years ago that homosexuality was illegal in this country. In the USA, LGBT couples still have few rights in some states.

Homophobia – Within society this can take many forms from violence and victimization to subtle discrimination in the workplace. Some LGBT people lose contact with family and friends as a result of coming out. Others dare not come out for fear of losing those around them that they love or of persecution from others who would not accept their sexuality.

Heterosexism – the belief that opposite sex relationships are superior to same sex relationships. This sometimes has a major impact on same sex couples both from the perception of the validity of their relationship from society, but also the acknowledgment of their relationship from their family and friends.

Internalised Homophobia – The feelings that some LGBT individuals have that they are “defective” which can result in self-hatred, guilt and lack of belief that they could ever have a successful same sex relationship. We can work through these issues in therapy and it can sometimes be a slow and painful process that leads to self-acceptance and pride in who they are.

Issues only same-sex couples have to deal with:

Homophobia and heterosexism in the community – this can create fear about committing to a same sex long term relationship for some lesbian and gay people.

Lack of “role models” for how to have a same sex relationship – this can lead to confusion over boundaries, expectations and obligations within the relationship.

Generally lower levels of family support – When things get tough some LGBT couples find it difficult to get help, advice and support from their family.

The same-sex nature of the relationship increases the chances of certain problems if both partners conform to traditional gender roles – Lesbian couples can have problems with emotional fusion whilst gay men may find they are emotionally disengaged from each other or in competition.

Bisexual clients may have to deal with another set of issues all together, including the confusing state of being “too queer” for heterosexual society and “not queer enough” for the homosexual one.

I’m not for a minute suggesting that these issues would be the focus of the work I do with a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender client. We all bring our own stuff to therapy regardless of our sexuality. What I’m saying is that these issues need to be kept in mind and tackled when they come up. I don’t need to be gay to do that, just as I don’t need to be black in order to empathise with the pain of being racially discriminated against.

Ultimately for me, I like working with people. I get a buzz out of helping people change, grow and realise their potential. Whether you are straight or gay, black, blue or green, I’m there for you if you need the support.

References

Kinsey, A.C., Pomeroy, W.B., & martin, C.E (1948). Sexual behaviour in the human male. Philadelphia: W.B. Saunders Company.

Klein, F., Sepekoff, B, & Wolf, T.J (1985). Sexual orientation: A multi-variable dynamic process. Journal of Homosexuality, 11 (1/2), 35-50.

If you need more help, advice or support on lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender issues I can recommend the Lesbian and Gay Foundation, which is based in Manchester.

Does “Coming Out” Improve LGB Mental Health?