Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Keep Calm And Carry On

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keep calm and carry onI was seriously tempted not to write a post today. It would be the first time for a year that I would have missed publishing a post at the weekend. I thought about ditching the post because I have a tonne of other stuff to do and many other stresses to contend with. I thought “who would actually notice if I just skipped one week?” The answer I came back with was – ME. I would notice! I have set myself a challenge to write one post a week and I am determined to keep it up, so read on for a bit of an explanation!

There are various work related stresses that have arisen over the past couple of weeks. I guess as I have become more successful then there have been more demands on my time and an increase in tasks that are difficult to put off or avoid completely. Coupled with that, a serious family illness in my family has really knocked me for six and left me confused and scared about the future. I am now slowly getting my head around this. So I thought it was about time I took some of my own advice. What would I say to a client who was in my situation? Probably the following;

  • Feel your feelings, do not bottle them up. Cry if you want to cry and feel the sadness, it’s healthy.
  • Talk about things to your loved ones and your friends. A problem shared is a problem halved.
  • Go easy on yourself. Give yourself time to indulge and look after that Child that is within us all.
  • Realise that feelings take time to work themselves through. There are no quick fixes.
  • Get out and do things when you feel you are really struggling.
  • Exercise is a great way to pick yourself up. The natural endorphins help improve mood.

Ok, I admit that I haven’t done the exercise thing, but the rest of the list has been followed and I feel that I can manage and I will be OK.

The situation did get me thinking about how we British deal with stress and anxiety. That message “keep calm and carry on”, the stiff upper lip, is embedded into our culture and does serve a purpose at times. It has allowed me to get on with working and do what I have to do despite my sad feelings. I also believe, however, that it needs to be balanced with permission to feel our feelings when the space and time is right. This may be at home or in the company of supportive friends or your counsellor.

As for the anxious feelings, well I was very impressed with Russell Brand’s response when Piers Morgan asked him whether he will make mistakes in the future (as he seems to have the ability to do in his own inimitable way). Brand’s reply was “I don’t have to worry about that right now, all I have to deal with is you sitting in front of me”.

“The past is history, the future a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called “the present”” (Kung Fu Panda)

Image: Suat Eman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How To Stop Your Driver Behaviour

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transactional analysis and driver behaviourOver the last two articles I have discussed the Transactional Analysis idea of  driver behaviour and how our drivers can govern the way we live our lives. I have also talked about “allowers”; the antidote to our driver behaviours. For example, one of the drivers “Please Others” has an allower “Please Yourself” which could be useful to follow for someone who is spending an enormous amount of time and energy keeping everyone else happy at their own expense.

The question that many clients ask me when I deliver therapy in Manchester is how they can put that new allower behaviour into place. My belief is that the first step is developing an awareness of the problem. Once we are conscious to the fact that there is this driver behaviour that is running like a computer program in the background telling us to “Be Strong” or “Hurry Up” we can choose to ignore it. By ignoring it we are going against learnt behaviour that we put in place to keep ourselves safe as children and so there is a high chance that we will have an emotional response as a result.

The emotional response that many of us feel when denying our driver and following our allower is anxiety. It is important to realise though that this is a feeling and it will go away with time. Feelings are never permanent.

My “Hurry Up” driver used to show itself very badly when driving. I would exceed the speed limit as a matter of course and after a couple of speeding tickets I decided to change this behaviour. I slowed right down to the speed limit and allowed myself to sit with the anxiety this caused me. That little voice in my head was whispering “Come on Ian, what you waiting for? Floor it! Let’s get there you idiot” but I ignored it, put some music on and allowed myself to enjoy the journey. The result – I can now drive within the speed limit and feel no anxiety whatsoever. I often sit in the left hand lane of the motorway at 70 mph and remember what it was like being constantly in the right hand lane, driving too fast and always having someone trying to get past (no matter how fast I drove, there was always someone who wanted to drive faster). I have no desire to go back to that at all, it was bloody stressful! I am also saving money on petrol!

When we learn to go against driver behaviour we set up new neural pathways in our brain. The more we do it the easier it gets. Working with a good therapist or counsellor will also help you identify the behaviour and track down where the message came from. Some behaviours may be more of a challenge to change than others and you are an intelligent human being with limitless possibilities for change and growth. So here is my personal challenge to you. Identify one driver that you have and think about what behaviour you could benefit from changing. Follow that allower instead and come back here and tell me how it feels. What goes on for you? Were you successful? I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Buy the book:  TA Today : A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis is a great guide to transactional analysis and the standard text for those learning about it.  Click the link to buy it from amazon (affiliate link).

Download my free guide to Transactional Analysis here.

Anxiety: How To Reduce Your Anxiety Levels

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How to reduce anxiety levels

Negative self talk can be a big problem for many people.  How many times have you done something stupid and then beaten yourself up verbally?  When we start listening to our thoughts we often find that we are our own harshest critic.  The technique I am going to talk about here can be used to distance you from your thoughts.  It’s a basic ACT method known as defusion that I teach to my clients .  When we are having thoughts it is common for us to start listening to them and treating them as fact.  The reality is that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts are just words flowing through our heads, they have no power.  So how can we separate ourselves from our thoughts?  Try this:

A fictional person we will name “Jim” suffers with social  anxiety.  He may often have the thought  “Nobody finds me interesting” when in company.  This is a thought, it’s not a truth. When we fuse with our thoughts we accept them for truths – never great if we want to believe in ourselves.

Let’s take that thought and acknowledge that it is just a thought.  Jim would say to himself,

“I’m having the thought that nobody finds me interesting“.

This has moved the thought one step away from an accepted truth.  Next, Jim can move the thought two steps away with,

“I am noticing that I’m having the thought that nobody finds me interesting“.

This thought is  now much further away from accepted reality and can be examined from afar.  Jim is now separate from his thought, he has de-fused with it.

Finally, Jim can acknowledge where the thought came from – his mind,

“I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that nobody finds me interesting – thanks for that mind“.

Jim can now go into company much more detached from the anxiety he would normally feel when surrounded by others.

I’m not suggesting that Jim would not feel any anxiety when surrounded by others.  He is, however, in a better place than he was before and he can choose to accept the feelings that come up for him if he knows that being in groups fits in with his values (more of that in a later blog).

Your homework?  Try it then come back to this post and leave a comment about how you found it.  It doesn’t matter what the thought is, if it’s not useful to you you can defuse from it.  And remember, you are not your thoughts.

If you want to read more on defusion and other ACT techniques, check out “The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living“, by Russ Harris.