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Anger Management – The Theory

06/07/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

anger management the theoryAnger as an emotion has had a great deal of bad press through the years. It’s one of those emotions that people shy away from and never really use to describe anyone in a positive light. Anger is, however, just another emotion. It can be very useful to us in certain circumstances. We all know and have had very memorable experiences of the “fight or flight” response that kicks in when we are under threat. Anger in those circumstances can really save our bacon. Anger also gives us the energy to change things when we are just not happy. We might need that rush of adrenaline and that “sod this, I’m going to sort it out!” kick up the backside to pull us out of unproductive situations. Why then if anger is so good, do we need anger management methods?

Like all things, when you have too much of something it can make you sick. Too much anger can……

  • destroy relationships
  • cause us to be judgmental and intolerant of others
  • get us into conflict, verbal and physical, with others
  • react in an out of proportion manner to situations
  • compromise our immune system which leads to us getting poorly more often and for longer
  • give us a banging headache
  • Result in us withdrawing from others and maybe physically harming ourselves

Having taught in schools for many years I’ve seen a lot of angry boys. And I mean a lot! I have also taught girls who have incredible difficulty managing their anger and can out anger any lad with ease. Anger is not by any means limited to males but there is no doubt in my mind that it is one of the safest emotions to express as a male around other people. I was almost tempted to write “around other males” in the last sentence but unfortunately females are complicitous in the promotion of anger in males too. My experience working with eleven to sixteen year olds is that an angry boy is seen as acceptable and kind of cool in a scary way and an angry girl is seen as slightly mad!

This gives a first clue as to where all of this anger comes from and brings us on to the Transactional Analysis concept of racket feelings.

Ian Stewart and Vann Joines book “TA Today” has a very clear definition of what a racket feeling is, they define it as;

“A familiar emotion, learned and encouraged in childhood, experienced in many different stress situations, and maladaptive as an adult means of problem solving”. (page209)

So how do certain emotions get encouraged in childhood? Let’s take little Johnny (could be little Jane too). When Johnny falls over at the age of five he cries. His mum tells him to pick himself up and carry on paying little attention. When he feels scared of going to school for the first time he gets told to “pull himself together” and not be so silly. When he plays happily with his brother he is largely ignored by his parents. When he kicks off, screams and shouts and starts throwing his toys around the room he suddenly gets a lot of attention. Multiply this by the 1825 days little Johnny has had these indirect messages from his parents and I’m sure you begin to see my point. Angry = attention.

With a racket feeling in place, it becomes difficult for us to access the authentic feeling we are really having. Back to Johnny (bless him). As an adult when Johnny feels scared he is going to be made redundant from his job he can’t do scared very well because he has not had much practise. It’s much easier to feel angry, so without even thinking about it that’s where he goes emotionally. Result = he gives his boss a mouthful and gets the sack.

When he feels sad that his relationship has broken down he’s not sure how to do sad either so he easily switches to anger. Result = he feels furious at the situation and punches a wall, breaking his hand in the process.

But how do we know whether a feeling is a racket or genuine? As I said at the beginning of my post, anger can be useful and is just as valid as any other emotion, so when does Johnny know when his anger is a racket and when it’s authentic? Here’s some ways you can tell:

  • Racket feelings come from a not OK place
  • Racket feelings don’t solve the problem
  • Racket feelings come from the Child ego state
  • Racket feelings involve a discount

“All very interesting,” I hear you say, “but how do I sort out my anger issues?” You can seek out a properly trained counsellor who can guide and support you with your anger issues. I see clients with anger issues regularly and use a step by step approach to helping with anger. But you don’t have to go to a counsellor –  Read my self help plan here and get your life back.

If you are interested in coming on my anger management course please click this link to read more about it or phone me on 07966 390857.

Filed Under: Self Help Techniques Tagged With: anger, anger management, angry, angry girls, psychotherapy, transactional analysis

Get Grounded

30/06/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

manchester psychotherapy grounding techniqueIf you struggle with stress, anxiety or depression getting grounded is a great skill to learn. This is a technique I teach to my clients if I think it would be useful to them.  It’s a way of slowing your mind and bringing it back from the regrets of the past or the uncertainty of the future. The here and now is all we have. The past is history, the future fantasy. So next time your mind is racing follow these instructions:

Find a comfortable place to sit where you won’t be disturbed by others.

Sit upright with your hands on your lap.

Close your eyes.

Concentrate on your feet. What can you feel? Are they warm or cold? Is one foot warmer than the other? Feel the floor pushing on the soles of your feet.

Now slowly move up to your legs. How do they feel? Can you feel the seat pushing back on you? Do you feel any other sensations?

Slowly move up your body repeating the same method. Move from legs to your lower back, then upper back and shoulders. From there move to arms, hands and fingers. Move to your head.

When you reach your head concentrate on the senses. What can you taste? What can you smell? What can you hear?

For each part of your body take a couple of minutes to run through the procedure. Don’t rush, relax.

Finally, slowly open your eyes and allow yourself a few minutes to just be.

Hopefully you find yourself calmer, more relaxed and fully in touch with the here and now.

Filed Under: Self Help Techniques Tagged With: angry, anxiety, anxious, depression, grounding, grounding techniques, here and now, stress, struggle

Dealing With Jealousy

01/02/2011 By Ian Tomlinson

In this article I am going to discuss jealousy, where it comes from and a few of ways to deal with it. I have to start off by saying I have a bit of a soft spot for jealousy! If it wasn’t for my jealousy issues I would have never gone to a counsellor and it’s highly likely I would not be a counsellor now. Being a therapist is probably the most rewarding job I have ever had, and so I have a lot to thank jealousy for.

Having experienced jealousy to a high level first hand also makes this article easy to write. I remember clearly the incident that resulted in me seeking counselling. My girlfriend had bought some boots. I was furious and we had a huge row about it. This is how it panned out in my head. Boots -> she wants to look more attractive to other men -> she is going to leave me. It sounds crazy when I read it now and I look back with amazement at how worked up I got about such a small thing. It is also a testament to how great therapy is. Within a few weeks of counselling I was able to deal with the feelings behind the behaviour and I have never had a problem with jealousy since.

If we break jealousy down into its constituent feelings it looks like a mixture of anger and scare. I was angry that my girlfriend was attempting to attract other men (a contaminated belief on my part, she just liked the boots!) and I was very scared at the prospect of her leaving me. Here lies the heart of the problem with jealousy. Jealousy is often about feelings of insecurity and unimportance in the person feeling jealous. I felt that my world would end if my girlfriend did manage to attract another man with her new boots and I also completely discounted the fact that she loved me and wanted to be with me, she was not interested in attracting a new partner.

Dealing with jealousy.

Yeah, you guessed it; the first thing I am going to suggest is that you go seek a counsellor or therapist to work the whole jealous thing through with. Therapists are trained to dig around for your hidden beliefs behind the feelings and help you understand where they came from. By bringing this information into your awareness you will be much more able to change your thinking, feeling and behaviour and leave jealousy behind.

If you don’t want to go to a therapist then here are a few other suggestions;

  • Check with a rational friend whether your jealous feelings are about something real or imagined. Is your partner behaving in a way that is inviting the jealousy? If so talk to them about it and ask for the behaviour to change. Action/feeling statements can help here.
  • If you have identified that your jealous feelings are about you, not your partner then talk it through with your partner and ask for what you want. If you need reassurance that your partner loves you it’s ok to ask for it.
  • When you are having a jealous attack then ground yourself and bring yourself back into the now.  Read about a simple grounding technique here.
  • Appreciate that jealousy is basically fantasising about events in the future that have not happened and are unlikely to. Once more, the grounding technique can help you leave these thoughts behind and get on with your life.
  • Focus on your good points and distance yourself from the negative thoughts you have about yourself. You can use the diffusion technique I write about here to do this. This may help you challenge the thoughts behind the jealousy – that you are not worth being with in the first place.

Jealousy is not uncommon in relationships and I hope by reading this article you appreciate that it is a feeling that you can change. This will improve things for both you and your partner.

Good luck with it and if you need my help don’t hesitate to get in contact.

Filed Under: Self Help Techniques Tagged With: angry, counselling, jealousy, therapy

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