Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Counselling Stockport

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counselling StockportCounselling Stockport

It’s been a while since I have written a blog post and so I thought it might be useful to bring things up to date on what’s going on with me providing counselling Stockport.  I hope this helps those who are unsure of who I am or how counselling or therapy can help them.  In this post I also want to answer the most common questions I get asked about the counselling process.  Please email me using my contact form if you have any questions I do not answer in this post.

Who am I?

My name is Ian Tomlinson and I am a counsellor in Stockport.  I have run Manchester Psychotherapy for the last four years and enjoy being a therapist immensely.  I also work part time as a teacher in Secondary Education and feel that this fits very well with my role as a therapist.

Both jobs are about relationships, both jobs are about bringing the best out in people and both jobs require empathy, kindness and a good sense of humour.  It’s pretty common for therapists to work part time and this may well be something to do with the solitary nature of the job.  Full time therapists have the potential to be on their own a lot and need to plan strategies to deal with this.

For me, I have a close group of colleagues that I work with on a daily basis and around seven hundred little people that are very happy to “keep things real” for me!

Counselling Stockport For Individuals

My Practice is currently about 50% individuals work and 50% couples work.  I tend to work with people over a long period of time but I have worked with clients for as little as eight weeks and they have experienced massive change and not needed to come to therapy after that.

I guess this answers a commonly asked question, “how long will I need to be in therapy for?”  The answer is often “as long as you need to be”.

I have found with my own therapy that sometimes I am in the right place for it and it helps enormously and at other times I feel that I have taken what I need from it and it is time to stop.  You will know when the time to stop is right for you.

There are occasions where I will suggest to a client that they are ready to stop coming.  When we have worked effectively and made the changes set out in the therapeutic contract then it could be time to give therapy a rest for a bit and recalibrate.

What issues do I work with when providing counselling Stockport?

Again, this is another common quesiton from people who are interested in coming for counselling in Stockport with me.  I have dealt with a whole spectrum of issues, from depression, stress, anxiety, gender identity, anger management issues, jealousy and other’s I have probably forgotten to put in the list!

Often what a client comes with and what we end up talking about are very different.  This is because our stresses and strains can manifest themselves in a multitude of ways.

Men’s issues

I do spend a lot of time working with men and men’s issues.  Many men find talking to a counsellor challenging in itself, so to be able to talk to a male therapist takes some of the anxiety away.  I have blogged extensively about how rubbish us men can be at dealing with emotional issues and unfortunately it does cost us dearly.  Suicide rates amongst young adult males are the highest out of all other groups and the prison population is over 90% male.  The sooner we are able to learn that the most powerful men are those that can deal with their emotions effectively, the better.

I regularly work with sexual minority clients too.  Gay men and lesbians form a significant percentage of my client base and I am a gay affirmative therapist.  This means that I will never question an individuals sexuality and see gay and straight as normal as each other (what is normal anyway?).  I have a good understanding of issues faced by the LGBT community and am used to dealing with these.  It may be that sometimes, as a straight man myself, I need information from my clients to help me with understanding the finer details of an issue or situation, but I find I learn from all my clients and this is one of the most enjoyable parts of being a therapist for me.

How to start

So if you were to want to come to my counselling Stockport service then what should you do?  Firstly get in contact by ringing me on 07966 390857 or email me using my contact form.  From there we will have an initial meeting and I will ask you what brings you into therapy and how you think I can help you.  You will have an opportunity to ask me any questions you have about who I am or how I work and I will talk through the business contract and ask you a few standard intake questions (name, address, doctors address – the usual therapy stuff).

From there we will go on a journey together.  I won’t be telling you what to do or what to think but I may challenge negative beliefs you have had for years or give alternative ways of doing things.

With some clients I will be very structured and provide a clear framework, others require time to explore what’s going on for them and time to reflect.

Take a leap of faith – it may change your life.

Going to a counsellor or therapist in Stockport can require serious bravery.  I can remember skulking around the front door of my first therapist, not sure of what I would find but with a deep need to talk to someone about things that were going on for me that were causing me great anxiety.  I could see myself repeating the same negative patterns in my life and I was fed up of shooting myself in the foot.

Therapy changed my life.  It gave me a new way of seeing the events that had taken place and a new way or relating to the most important people in my life.  The counselling I had made such an impression that I got interested in the subject and here I am, nearly twenty years later, helping others change their lives.

So take a leap of faith, give me a ring on 07966 390857 and make an appointment.  I get that you may be nervous and I can assure you that I will look after you throughout the process.

How has counselling made a difference to your life?

If you are reading this post having experienced counselling please comment below and let me know how it made a difference to you.  What was the key moment for you?  What would you say to others who are unsure about picking up the phone and making an appointment?

If you have any questions about me and the counselling Stockport service please get in touch and I will get back to you qucikly.

 

Anger Management – The Theory

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anger management the theoryAnger as an emotion has had a great deal of bad press through the years. It’s one of those emotions that people shy away from and never really use to describe anyone in a positive light. Anger is, however, just another emotion. It can be very useful to us in certain circumstances. We all know and have had very memorable experiences of the “fight or flight” response that kicks in when we are under threat. Anger in those circumstances can really save our bacon. Anger also gives us the energy to change things when we are just not happy. We might need that rush of adrenaline and that “sod this, I’m going to sort it out!” kick up the backside to pull us out of unproductive situations. Why then if anger is so good, do we need anger management methods?

Like all things, when you have too much of something it can make you sick. Too much anger can……

  • destroy relationships
  • cause us to be judgmental and intolerant of others
  • get us into conflict, verbal and physical, with others
  • react in an out of proportion manner to situations
  • compromise our immune system which leads to us getting poorly more often and for longer
  • give us a banging headache
  • Result in us withdrawing from others and maybe physically harming ourselves

Having taught in schools for many years I’ve seen a lot of angry boys. And I mean a lot! I have also taught girls who have incredible difficulty managing their anger and can out anger any lad with ease. Anger is not by any means limited to males but there is no doubt in my mind that it is one of the safest emotions to express as a male around other people. I was almost tempted to write “around other males” in the last sentence but unfortunately females are complicitous in the promotion of anger in males too. My experience working with eleven to sixteen year olds is that an angry boy is seen as acceptable and kind of cool in a scary way and an angry girl is seen as slightly mad!

This gives a first clue as to where all of this anger comes from and brings us on to the Transactional Analysis concept of racket feelings.

Ian Stewart and Vann Joines book “TA Today” has a very clear definition of what a racket feeling is, they define it as;

“A familiar emotion, learned and encouraged in childhood, experienced in many different stress situations, and maladaptive as an adult means of problem solving”. (page209)

So how do certain emotions get encouraged in childhood? Let’s take little Johnny (could be little Jane too). When Johnny falls over at the age of five he cries. His mum tells him to pick himself up and carry on paying little attention. When he feels scared of going to school for the first time he gets told to “pull himself together” and not be so silly. When he plays happily with his brother he is largely ignored by his parents. When he kicks off, screams and shouts and starts throwing his toys around the room he suddenly gets a lot of attention. Multiply this by the 1825 days little Johnny has had these indirect messages from his parents and I’m sure you begin to see my point. Angry = attention.

With a racket feeling in place, it becomes difficult for us to access the authentic feeling we are really having. Back to Johnny (bless him). As an adult when Johnny feels scared he is going to be made redundant from his job he can’t do scared very well because he has not had much practise. It’s much easier to feel angry, so without even thinking about it that’s where he goes emotionally. Result = he gives his boss a mouthful and gets the sack.

When he feels sad that his relationship has broken down he’s not sure how to do sad either so he easily switches to anger. Result = he feels furious at the situation and punches a wall, breaking his hand in the process.

But how do we know whether a feeling is a racket or genuine? As I said at the beginning of my post, anger can be useful and is just as valid as any other emotion, so when does Johnny know when his anger is a racket and when it’s authentic? Here’s some ways you can tell:

  • Racket feelings come from a not OK place
  • Racket feelings don’t solve the problem
  • Racket feelings come from the Child ego state
  • Racket feelings involve a discount

“All very interesting,” I hear you say, “but how do I sort out my anger issues?” You can seek out a properly trained counsellor who can guide and support you with your anger issues. I see clients with anger issues regularly and use a step by step approach to helping with anger. But you don’t have to go to a counsellor –  Read my self help plan here and get your life back.

If you are interested in coming on my anger management course please click this link to read more about it or phone me on 07966 390857.

Anger Management – Self-help Strategies

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anger management self help strategiesIn the last post, I outlined some ideas about why some of people suffer from anger issues (if you missed it, just click here to catch up). In this post I will talk about ways in which you can manage your anger.

Although I do see many individuals who have anger issues I am going to focus on do-able strategies you can be successful with without the help of a therapist in this post. If you want to tackle the route cause of the anger which may be buried somewhere within your childhood, I would recommend you work with a therapist to support and guide you in this process – it’s what they spend years of their life training to do.

Step 1 – Stock take your anger

It’s difficult to sort any problem out on your own unless you know the extent of it. If you were in financial trouble and wanted to get yourself out of debt, doing an audit of your spending would be a good idea. What are you spending your money on? Where can you cut down on spending? How much do you owe in total? The same holds true for anger. Keep a daily anger journal. Focus on the following things:

  • Who is stimulating angry feelings in you?
  • What situations cause you to feel angry?
  • What other things trigger anger for you?
  • What thoughts are going through your head when you feel angry?
  • What physical sensations in your body do you feel (e.g., chest feels tight, headache arrives)?
  • What do you do when you feel angry?

Step 2 – Analyse your journal for patterns

You are looking for common themes. If you know when you are likely to feel angry and can tell the signs of oncoming anger you can take steps to move around the problem. It’s like avoiding a hole in the road. If you know it’s coming up you can change lanes to avoid it or take another road all together.

Step 3 – Break the anger down into phases

Chances are your anger will involve different components all of which you will have written about in your journal. These components are as follows:

  • Cognitive – your thoughts
  • Physiological – how your body feels
  • Affective – the emotions you feel
  • Behavioural – what you do

You have the power to catch the anger when you notice any of these components come into play. These components usually go in a predictable order too. We are going to go back to Johnny from part 1 of this post. Johnny can see the following pattern:

Johnny sees others not measuring up to his unrealistic expectations -> Johnny feels the adrenaline pumping in his body and his muscles feel tight – > his anger starts to rise -> Johnny starts shouting and pointing aggressively

Step 4 – break the sequence

This is the tough part! Make a choice now. Do you want to sort your anger out or don’t you? Don’t mince – commit! Think about what it’s costing you. Do you want to keep paying or do you want to change? If you truly want to change you can hijack the negative pattern at any of the stages:

  • Cognitive – Are your thoughts about what should happen realistic. Be aware of the “Parent” words you may use in your head. “should”, “must”, “have to” are all words you have probably received as Parent messages from your caregivers as you grew up. The reality is that there is no one way of being or doing things as long as you hit your target. If Jenny at the office chooses to leave her work to the last minute and then furiously type it up at the end of the day, that’s ok as long as she gets it done. Also remember that your thoughts are just thoughts. They have no power. It’s what you do that counts not what you think. Thank your mind for the thoughts that have come into your head and decide to behave in a calm way. I discuss this as a technique in much more detail in my post on anxiety.
  • Physiological/affective – Your body and your emotions can both be soothed using similar techniques. It’s a bit of a cliché but it really is about counting to ten! If you have time you can use a grounding technique to bring yourself under control and back to the here and now. If you don’t have time and you feel the red mist rising then breathe, count to ten slowly and remember that long term anger is bad for you and you don’t want to do it that way anymore.
  • Behavioural – Do it differently. You feel like kicking off but it’s getting you nowhere and causing you problems. If you can, explain to the other party that you are feeling angry and you need to take yourself away to calm down then do it. Go for a walk, refocus, hit a pillow or other (non-living) soft object to get the energy out or do something else that is going to allow you to calm down. If you can’t get away then a great way of dealing with it is to express it in a straight way without shouting or screaming.  Tell the other person how you feel using action/feeling statements. Johnny might say to his boss “when you give me work to complete at the last minute I feel angry so I would like you to build reasonable deadlines into your requests”. That might sound a pretty challenging statement but it’s miles better than “bloody hell, you want me to get this done by tomorrow? Are you joking you idiot?!!” and less likely to get you sacked. To read about emotional literacy you can read my book review of Claude Steiner’s book.

Easy eh? Well, no it’s not – but it’s all doable if you commit to it. You are not going to get it right all the time. There will be some techniques you like better than others. You may want to use a combination of them all and go with the flow using the technique that seems most appropriate at the time. Understand though that you can change. You have the power. Good luck, and if there’s any way I can help, just get in touch.

If you are interested in coming on my anger management course please click this link to read more about it or phone me on 07966 390857.

What do you think of the techniques mentioned here? Do you use any of them now? Are you unsure about how to do it? Ask your questions or make a comment in the box below.

Image: Stefano Valle / FreeDigitalPhotos.net