Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Counsellor Or Therapist – What’s The Difference And How Do I Choose One?

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Are counsellors and therapists different and how do I choose?You will notice that on my site I mix up the terms “counselling” and “therapy”. Is there a difference? For all intents and purposes there are no differences when I use these terms and I think that is pretty common across my peers too. Counsellors and therapists do have different qualifications and have gone through different processes to get “certified” but that should not necessarily make any difference to potential clients. Research has shown that all of the different modalities are about as effective as each other and what is important is the relationship you have with your counsellor.

Counselling for Individuals

If it’s individual counselling you are looking for then you are spoilt for choice! There are at least four Transactional Analysis centres I can think of off the top of my head that are training establishments for TA psychotherapists (like me) which puts a great choice of therapists on the market. Many of the local colleges train person-centred counsellors just to add to the mix and there are other modalities out there too that you may be interested in.

Counselling for Couples

For couples counselling things become a little more limited. Many therapists shy away from couples or marriage counselling. This is because the training that we therapists and counsellors receive is almost entirely aimed at working with individuals. If you try to apply a model aimed at individuals to a couple it doesn’t work – there is one too many people!! Many counsellors are also scared at the prospect of having a couple sat in front of them who evidently don’t like each other very much and could explode into an argument at any moment! It’s easier then (and safer) for counsellors to stick with individuals only.

I am somewhat of a rarity (some say oddity!) in that I have sought specific training in Imago Relationship Therapy which is solely aimed at working with couples. I did this because I too felt under trained and wanted to do a good job with my couple’s clients. The training has helped me feel like a safe pair of hands for those that work with me. I love the ideas behind Imago Relationship Therapy and have been interested in it for many years.

Things are different in the USA. There are lots of therapists out there working solely with couples and therapists have much more access to training too. I have to travel down to London to be trained in Imago Relationship Therapy and my trainer flies in from Montreal, Canada,where she lives (this makes her arms very tired!) I guess in American culture if you have a problem with your marriage then you go out, seek help from someone qualified and get it fixed. In the UK we seem to go for the “stiff upper lip – put up and shut up” approach or just get divorced, which I feel very sad about.

How do you know who to work with?

As an individual looking for counselling or therapy I would advise you to start on the internet and check out a few websites. What is your impression of the person who has designed the site? Do they show passion and enthusiasm for their subject? Do you feel connected to them when you read their stuff? There may be more practical aspects that help you narrow things down if you have particular requirements. You may want to work with a male or female therapist – if it’s a male therapist you want then this will make things slightly more challenging as it’s a female dominated industry with about 30% of therapists being male – we are a rare breed!

For a couples counsellor or marriage counsellor I would do the same but ask what specific training your prospective therapist has had in order to train them to work with couples. A two day workshop five years ago is not going to be as useful as a year or more’s intensive training in a dedicated model aimed at couples. Again, if you want to work with a particular type of counsellor then for couples therapists it becomes even harder. I am the only person with training in Imago Relationship Therapy in Manchester. The nearest other individuals I know of are in Lancaster (a fellow trainee) and Sheffield. There are lots of Imago Therapists in London but that’s a hell of a distance to drive for a one hour therapy session!

Once you have identified someone who you think you may like to work with give them a ring and talk to them. They may have no availability or you may decide after chatting to them that they are not the person for you.

If they do have availability and you do like the sound of them then go have an initial session and see how you feel. You can walk away at any time and you are not committed to seeing any therapist for a set number of sessions.

Therapy is a personal thing and you need to feel safe whilst you are doing it. It is also life changing. There are plenty of great therapists out there, if you think that you may want to try me out then ring me on 07966 390857 or use my contact form above to get in touch.  I look forward to hearing from you 🙂

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Working With Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Clients

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working with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender clientsLast Tuesday (12th October 2010) was “National Coming out Day” in the UK. To quote Wikipedia, this is “an internationally observed civil awareness day for coming out and discussion about gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual and transgender (LGBT) issues”. It seems appropriate then, for this week’s blog post to be about working with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender clients.

I’ll start off by stating that I am a gay affirmative therapist.  I don’t give two hoots whether you are gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual or transgender. We are all OK and there are no goods or bads, rights or wrongs, there’s just us.

I believe that human sexuality is a continuum, it’s a grey scale and we are all somewhere on it. This belief is backed up by research by Kinsey (1953) and Klein (1985). Klein went further and suggested that there is fluidity to our sexuality throughout time. There is no doubt in my mind that our sexuality plays an important part of defining who we are and this is an issue that we all must examine regardless of our sexual orientation.

 

Issues that need accounting for with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender clients.

Societal oppression – It wasn’t too many years ago that homosexuality was illegal in this country. In the USA, LGBT couples still have few rights in some states.

Homophobia – Within society this can take many forms from violence and victimization to subtle discrimination in the workplace. Some LGBT people lose contact with family and friends as a result of coming out. Others dare not come out for fear of losing those around them that they love or of persecution from others who would not accept their sexuality.

Heterosexism – the belief that opposite sex relationships are superior to same sex relationships. This sometimes has a major impact on same sex couples both from the perception of the validity of their relationship from society, but also the acknowledgment of their relationship from their family and friends.

Internalised Homophobia – The feelings that some LGBT individuals have that they are “defective” which can result in self-hatred, guilt and lack of belief that they could ever have a successful same sex relationship. We can work through these issues in therapy and it can sometimes be a slow and painful process that leads to self-acceptance and pride in who they are.

Issues only same-sex couples have to deal with:

Homophobia and heterosexism in the community – this can create fear about committing to a same sex long term relationship for some lesbian and gay people.

Lack of “role models” for how to have a same sex relationship – this can lead to confusion over boundaries, expectations and obligations within the relationship.

Generally lower levels of family support – When things get tough some LGBT couples find it difficult to get help, advice and support from their family.

The same-sex nature of the relationship increases the chances of certain problems if both partners conform to traditional gender roles – Lesbian couples can have problems with emotional fusion whilst gay men may find they are emotionally disengaged from each other or in competition.

Bisexual clients may have to deal with another set of issues all together, including the confusing state of being “too queer” for heterosexual society and “not queer enough” for the homosexual one.

I’m not for a minute suggesting that these issues would be the focus of the work I do with a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender client. We all bring our own stuff to therapy regardless of our sexuality. What I’m saying is that these issues need to be kept in mind and tackled when they come up. I don’t need to be gay to do that, just as I don’t need to be black in order to empathise with the pain of being racially discriminated against.

Ultimately for me, I like working with people. I get a buzz out of helping people change, grow and realise their potential. Whether you are straight or gay, black, blue or green, I’m there for you if you need the support.

References

Kinsey, A.C., Pomeroy, W.B., & martin, C.E (1948). Sexual behaviour in the human male. Philadelphia: W.B. Saunders Company.

Klein, F., Sepekoff, B, & Wolf, T.J (1985). Sexual orientation: A multi-variable dynamic process. Journal of Homosexuality, 11 (1/2), 35-50.

If you need more help, advice or support on lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender issues I can recommend the Lesbian and Gay Foundation, which is based in Manchester.

rainbow lover

Why All Our Emotions Are Important

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our four emotionsAs a therapist I spend a great deal of my time talking to clients about their emotions. For some clients this is no problem, they live in an emotional world. For others I can ask what they are feeling and I see a look of confusion descend. Some of us are good with emotions; some of us are good at hiding them. We all have them.

I can remember the first time I came across the concept that there are only four emotions. It was explained to me that humans are happy, sad, angry or scared. Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis even dismissed anger as a racket feeling, which would leave us with three. The explanation continued with the statement that all other emotions are a combination of the four. Jealousy, for example, is a combination of anger and scare. Boredom is just another way of saying we feel angry.

Whilst I agree that this is a blatant oversimplification of the vast emotional spectrum we experience, I like the simplicity of it. It’s a great way of getting to the bottom of our feelings and reduces the chance that we will use language to deny our real feelings. It’s like saying you are annoyed when really you mean you feel angry. Anger feels much more genuine and is more likely to lead to constructive change. It moves away from the passivity of “annoyed”.

All emotions are OK and all have a valuable part to play in keeping us on an even keel. Here’s a quick rundown of what they do for us:

Happiness

This one, I don’t have to explain! When we feel happy the world is great, everything is fine and we want for nothing. Unfortunately though, there is a common misconception that this is how we should feel all the time. Imagine if we did. Happiness would become normality. How would we then distinguish the great times from the rest of our lives? Being happy all the time is an unrealistic expectation that, ironically, decreases the chance that you will feel happy because you become angry at your lack of happiness! I’m going to stop there with that one because I’m tying myself in emotional knots!

Sadness

This is the bad boy of the gang. No one likes to be sad. Sadness has got a bad press (I feel sad for sad). Sadness gives us permission to slow down, do less, withdraw from the world and do what we need to do in order to successfully get on with our lives again once we ready. We may have heard bad news, been let down or even lost someone close to us. Sadness is there to give us time to sort this out in our head. It’s OK to be sad. It’s useful and just as important as happiness over the course of our lives. Give yourself permission to go with it and it will pass, and you will have grown.

Anger

Anger can give us the energy to change situations that are pissing us off! The rush of adrenaline, the focused mind, these could save us from harm or pull us out of bad situations. Anger is readily embraced by some, hence the need for “anger management“, but for all of us anger can result in change for the better if used appropriately.

Fear

Fear keeps us safe and protects us from dangerous situations. Fear can also hold you back from doing all things in life you’d like to. In therapeutic terms it’s important to distinguish between fear, which is rational and from the Adult ego state, and scare, which is from the Child ego state. It’s that scare, which kept us safe when we were kids, but can be a block now we are adults. During the process of therapy, many people learn to let go of those scary feelings about issues we have echoing from our childhood and move on with our lives.

I make no apologies for repeating this next statement; all emotions are OK. They are all equal. When they get out of balance we may need help to adjust. Too much of any of them might not be useful for us and could lead to depression, anxiety or anger issues. But pushing our emotions away just moves those feelings inside and they manifest in other ways, often through physical illnesses or stress. So don’t deny them, be with your emotions and they will serve you well.