Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Counselling For Men

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counselling for men in manchesterIt’s November again and that is traditionally the month to grow a moustache. Yep, November becomes Movember!  Movember is the word wide campaign to raise money for men’s illnesses, especially prostate cancer. The campaign started in Australia and has been running for the last seven years. It’s now a worldwide event. Prostate cancer kills one in ten men in the UK, one man dies every hour of every day- shocking figures. What makes it worse is that it is a cancer that can be treated if it’s caught early enough. The advice is to have your prostate checked every year if you are a man over fifty. If you have a history of cancer in your family then you should move this forward to your forties. So why don’t men get checked out?

I’m afraid compared to women us blokes are a bit emotionally stunted. We are how we are because of the way in which we were brought up. It’s not our fault. We struggle with emotions because we were taught at an early age that men are strong, do not cry, and work through situations regardless of how we feel about things. Many of us grew up with emotionally remote fathers and had little modeling of doing anything other than “being strong”. Women are complicitous in this message and often support it covertly. This also serves a purpose in work and when times get tough. It can be a very useful behaviour when things are hard and I am not for a minute suggesting that we go around crying and acting out at the slightest provocation. It’s about getting the balance right.

So what does being emotionally limited cost us men?

  • We tend to get stuck when situations with high emotions come along. Many men either go to a numb place or we express ourselves using the emotion that we have learnt is safest – i.e. anger. This can alienate us from our loved ones and get us into trouble with those around us.
  • We tend to ignore worries or niggles until they have built up, so if we are feeling pain or discomfort we don’t go to the doctors and get it checked out, we store it up until we are in agony then find out we have left it too late and done ourselves serious damage. Prostate cancer is a great example of this. We ignore the early symptoms (difficulty passing urine, increased frequency of passing urine, pain when passing urine or maybe blood in the urine) and only get it checked out when we are in great pain and it’s passed into our bones too, and then we die.
  • We avoid talking to others about how we feel lest they think we are weak. Our problems mount up and we think that the only way out is to kill ourselves. Men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women in the UK (figures from the office for national statistics).

How can we put the situation right?

There is no doubt that working with a good counsellor is a great way of restoring the balance. Counsellors come in all shapes and sizes and you will find some male therapists that ooze emotions and some women therapists that are very “thinking” in the way they do things. Go meet a few and make your decision based on who you feel comfortable with. You can also do things without the support of a counsellor. Here are three suggestions:

  • The first step is getting in touch with how you feel. This could be achieved by just sitting and giving yourself time to feel your feelings instead of rushing around all the time.
  • Secondly, start talking to those closest to you about what’s going on for you. You might begin this process by doing the easy stuff in general conversation. What are you enjoying in your life? What’s really pissing you off? Are you feeling sad about anything? This is a great way to bond with your loved ones as it invites closeness and intimacy.
  • Thirdly, as you open up, start expressing the stronger emotions you are feeling at the time you are feeling them rather than storing them up. Action/feeling statements are great for this “When you (their behaviour) I feel (your feeling) so in future I would like you to (corrected behaviour). Keep it focused on behaviour and don’t let it slip into criticism. Your emotion has been expressed and the other person knows what you want. A much better solution than getting very angry and doing damage either emotionally or physically.

I guess our ultimate goal is to feel our emotions so we can be in tune with those around us and make strong connections. We can also teach our sons and daughters that being a powerful man is not just about physical strength, but also involves the ability to connect with others, have empathy and access to the whole spectrum of emotions.

Read the book:  Emotional Literacy: Intelligence with a Heart by Claude Steiner.  This man is a great role model on what it means to be a man.  He spent many years being the “tough guy” and explains in the book what this cost him and how he changed – it’s a classic so click on the link and get it read!

Does Therapy work?

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Does Therapy Work?Big question.  And as far as I’m concerned there is a simple answer.  Yes.  Therapy can work very effectively.   I can hear you now though, quite rightly, shouting at your monitor, “but you’re a therapist so you’re bound to say that” so let’s see if I can convince you further.

As a therapist my starting place has to be my own experience.  When I am working as a therapistI witness clients making positive changes in their lives consistently and I have also experienced these changes in my own life.  Sometimes it can take weeks for that “aha” moment to arrive, but when it does that moment can, literally, be life changing.  It was these moments, these insights into my own ways of thinking that stimulated my interest in psychotherapy.  I was able to use this knowledge to live my life differently, to develop better relationships and to change my behaviour for the better. Now, many years later, I have the privilege of being let into other people’s lives to support and guide them whilst they examine their lives and make positive change.

My next step is a quick trawl around the internet.  The website talkingcure gives many examples of where research supports the idea that therapy is effective.  Most of this research has been carried out by health services of countries around the world to see if they are getting their monies worth out of their counselling services (money is a great motivator for research!).

The following studies are just a couple of the examples included on the site:

  • Chiles et al (1999) found that psychological services reduced medical expenses in patients undergoing surgery and those with a history of over utilization.  On average, there was a 20% saving, even when the cost of providing the services was subtracted from the savings.
  • Research* showed that therapy carried out with men who batter their wives proved highly successful with 60% of men not re-offending within the thirty month follow up period and the wives of these men feeling “very safe” in 83% of cases.

Smith and Glass (1977) carried out research into the effectiveness of different types of therapy.  Results of nearly 400 controlled evaluations of psychotherapy and counselling were coded and integrated statistically. The findings provided convincing evidence of the efficacy of psychotherapy. On the average they concluded that the typical therapy client was better off than 75% of untreated individuals.  More interestingly, they found that the type of therapy received by the client had little bearing on the rate of success.  This is further evidence for the idea that it is what happens between the client and the therapist, the relationship that forms, that is the deciding factor for a successful outcome.

Martindale (1978) questions the validity of research into the effectiveness of psychotherapy and states that answering a question such as “does therapy work” is impossible as there are too many variables.  All clients are different, all therapists are different. He argues that a therapist may be effective for one client but ineffective for another.  It’s easy to see the logic of this argument and how we know which therapist is best for us will be the subject of another entry at a later date.

So where have we got to so far?  Both research and personal experience support the idea that therapy can be useful.  I appreciate that I have only given evidence of three research studies but I invite you to follow my links and check out my references for dozens of studies that conclude therapy is effective.

This does not mean however that we need to run to our nearest therapist and sign up for a course of treatment!  Going into therapy is a very personal and often very frightening step for many to take.  You take that step when you are ready to engage with the process and feel in your heart that it’s right for you.  I remember my first session even to this day.  I arrived fifteen minutes early and “cased” the joint to see if there was anyone around who would spot me going in. I seriously considered turning around and going back home!  Eventually I plucked up the courage, knocked on the door and therein began this journey.

I think that initial step of seeking emotional support from others may be more difficult for men than for women. This is backed up by the suicide figures for each sex where in 2008 where per 100000 of the UK population, 17.7 men committed suicide compared to just 5.4 women (age standardised rates taken from www.statistics.gov.uk).  Once more, I’m sure this will feature as a subject in my future writings.

So, to conclude, I would say that yes, therapy does work.  It can be an effective means to resolve problems as wide ranging as anxiety, stress, sexual identity, depression, lack of purpose, jealousy and a multitude of other issues that we can have whirling through our heads at particular times in our lives.  So when you’re ready, if you want to, pick up a phone and make that first appointment.

References

Chiles, J. et al. (1999). The impact of psychological interventions on medical cost offset: a meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology, 6(2), 204-220.

Martindale, C. “The Therapist-as-Fixed-Effect Fallacy in Psychotherapy Research”. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 1978, Vol. 46, No. 6, 1526-1530

*Peterson, K. (July 27, 1988). Programs help men unlearn violence. USA Today, p. 1.

Smith, M. and Glass, G. “Meta-Analysis of Psychotherapy Outcome Studies”.  American Psychologist. September 1977. p752-760.

How To “Do” Therapy.

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How to "do" therapyNever had therapy? No idea of what to expect when you come for the first time to a therapist? Wondering what to “do”? All of these questions can naturally bring anxiety and tension for us and there’s no doubt that many are put off getting the help they need because they see counselling for “weak” people who should be able to sort their own problems out. Lets turn that around though. If we understand that many of us find the thought of going to a therapist for the first time daunting, then we can acknowledge that it takes bravery to step up to the plate and make that first appointment. It’s the first step down the road to positive change.

Any therapist worth their salt will recognise that you feel scared and unsure in your first session and will be supportive and reassuring. Once the initial session is over and you meet your therapist for the first time those stresses will ease and the fear factor will melt away.

In my first sessions working with individual clients and couples I spend time getting to know what has brought you into therapy and what you want the outcome to be. It’s also an opportunity for you to get a look at me and ask me any questions you have about the process, who I am, my method of working and decide whether you think I’m the right therapist for you.  It gives me an opportunity to decide whether I can help you or if it would be more appropriate to refer you to another therapist who could meet your needs more effectively.

So what are you as a client supposed to do when in therapy? Well the most important thing to do is be as open and as honest as you feel safe to be.  I’m not suggesting that you go into your first session and pour out your deepest thoughts and feelings, in fact I would advise strongly against doing that until you have tested the relationship with your therapist for a few weeks and you feel ready to expose yourself a little more.  Pace yourself, get used to the process and relax.

Many would argue that the type of therapy you have is unimportant.  They are all just different ways of reaching the same goal.  The relationship you have with your therapist is the key.  Building trust and learning intimacy in a unique safe setting can be a truly liberating experience.  The relationship you have with your therapist gives you the space and opportunity to test out a different way of relating to people in a safe environment.

Before you know it, you will be “doing” therapy without giving it a second thought.  Hopefully this will be a life changing experience.