Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Time To Change

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time to changeYou have probably seen the latest government ”time to change” campaign to end discrimination that people who have mental health issues face in the workplace and in society in general. I say “the latest campaign”, but that suggests there have been others. If there have I’m afraid they passed by me unnoticed.

I’ve been a therapist now for some time and I’ve always thought we in the UK have had a bad attitude to mental health issues. The general “stiff upper lip” approach has been accepted as the norm in most areas of British Society. Unfortunately, this has led to people finding it difficult to get over the stigma of seeking help for mental health issues and suffering in silence, in some cases, for decades.

Our poor attitude to mental health.

If you fell over and broke your leg then you would take yourself to the hospital and receive medical attention, probably have a cast on for a while and then be right as rain. Can you imagine if you applied the same attitude that is shown to mental health issues like depression or stress to this physical condition?

“You don’t need to go to the hospital with that broken leg, pull yourself together – you’ll be alright in a few days!” or
“I can’t believe he has taken time off work just because his foot is facing the wrong direction. We’ve all had leg problems and most of us just get on with it.”

It sounds ridiculous when you apply it to such a physical ailment and it would be unbelievable for anyone to comment in such a way, so why do we do that with mental health issues?

Time To Change

I guess this is exactly what the “Time To Change” campaign is asking and I think, slowly, attitudes to mental health issues are changing for the better. I find it fascinating that when people discover that I’m a therapist, many of them “come out” as having had therapy themselves. Most of them tell me what a life saver it was for them and feel that it was an important part of their lives.

I find it interesting that the same people are a great deal more reluctant to discuss this with family or friends, and mentioning it to their work colleagues is an out and out no no.

Do Men Suffer Most?

Out of the two sexes I think men suffer from this problem the most. Us men have this idea that we need to “be strong”, especially around other men. Being seen to need help and support with mental health issues is tantamount to cashing in your masculinity for a frilly skirt and high heels. How badly we get things wrong at times!

I love Claude Steiner’s idea in “The Other Side of Power” that to be in touch with your feelings and to be able to express them appropriately is what makes us all truly powerful. To be able to seek help when we need it whether it’s for a broken leg, depression or stress is one important way we can look after ourselves. And it’s only by looking after ourselves that we can look after others. A fully functioning healthy adult is much more capable at serving loved one’s needs than someone with their own internal battles going on.

Time to Change Our Attitude To Mental Health

I fully support the governments “Time To Change” campaign. I would encourage all those (like me) who have had help with mental health issues to “come out” and talk about it openly. It’s time to change. Let’s start to break down this limiting belief that needing support for our mental health issues is some sign of weakness, because in my opinion, it’s the opposite. Those that have the presence of mind and the self-belief to do this are the strong ones. It’s time to change.

The Benefits of Failure

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the benefits of failureA weird thing happened last night. I was messing around with a website I had built (say it loud – “I’m geek and I’m proud”) and I managed to kill it dead. I mean terminal. Dead, deceased, no more. It wasn’t just sleeping. That’s not the weird thing though, my ability to crash computers and destroy websites is legendary, mainly because I like to fiddle with settings I should not be touching. The weird thing was that when it happened I was pleased! Yup. Big smile on my face! It was the thing I had been worried about doing for fear of not being able to get the site back, so when it happened feeling happy about it was a little unexpected! Now maybe I should clarify that it was not this website, which is very important to me and a real labour of love, and I know everyone within a ten mile radius would have heard me scream if it had been! But now I have done it once I know even this one could go down and I wouldn’t panic any more. You see, as a result of last night’s events I learnt how to get websites back up.

That is the message I want to get over in this post. The result of failure is growth. Ever since I have been designing websites I have had a real fear of messing them up on the host server because the workings of all of those files and folders was a real mystery to me. They were the unknown. Last night I went in for the first time and attempted to install stuff and I completely bodged it up. I fiddled around for a few hours, learning all the time, then eventually (thanks to Google) worked out how to repair the damage. Now I’m not scared and have more confidence that I can handle server stuff. I’m now a much more empowered geek!

Throughout our lives we get things wrong and the mistakes lead us down different roads that turn out to be positive. Clients often talk to me about things they have failed at and just having a therapist work through the situation enables them to see what they have learnt from it and that it wasn’t necessarily all bad.

Here are a few personal examples from my life:

  • Choosing to work in a Supermarket in the management team when I first graduated, rather than going into teaching which is what I really wanted to do. I learnt how such large organisations work and that my ideas about how things should be done were (very!) different. I learnt a huge amount about philosophy because I started to read philosophy books to keep my mind stimulated in what I found was a dull job. I learnt I was really crap at ordering carrots and that having a well-paid job means nothing if you are miserable whilst doing it.
  • Buying my first house without doing any research into the area and finding myself living in one of the toughest areas of Salford (yep – see how I still talk about it like it was an accident that has little to do with me?!). Hmmm. I’m kind of an impatient person at times and this is a great example. What happened? I had a real sinking feeling when it slowly dawned on me what I had done. The value of the house went down and down and I was sat with negative equity and a very scared feeling deep in my core. My fears about being unsafe quickly disappeared though as I found I was living around people who were friendly, caring and who had a great sense of humour. It sounds like a cliché, but it was a community and people really did look after each other. In the end (it took 10 years) it all turned out well. Because the location was very close to Manchester city centre the developers moved in and started throwing up yuppy flats left, right and centre. The value of my house shot up just at the time my first child was born and we were able to sell the house for a tidy profit and move to a bigger house. I learnt so much about doing research, slowing my impulses down and what communities are all about.
  • Getting things wrong in the relationship with my partner. In my second long term relationship I could see myself repeating the same old negative behaviour patterns and having the same feelings I had in my first one. I was an extremely jealous man and I now cringe when I think of some of the unfair and frankly ridiculous conversations I had with my partner, fueled by my insecurity. I knew I wanted to change so eventually I grasped the nettle and booked an appointment with a psychotherapist (it took me twenty minutes to get through the door the first time. I hung around outside checking the place out and building up courage). The result – my view of life changed dramatically, the jealousy melted away and I got interested in how such a transformation could occur. Here I am, fifteen years later, doing the most rewarding job I have ever had.

Us humans have the uncanny ability to balls things up, get things wrong and generally make a mess. It’s what makes us human. Sometimes we need those around us to help us understand how useful in life this can be.

If you would like to have therapy in Manchester with me please use my contact form or phone 07966 390857 to get in touch.

Does “Coming Out” Improve LGB Mental Health?

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coming out at workComing out

I read with interest an article on the medical news today website that coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual increases happiness and improves the mental health of the individual concerned.

The report (which you can read here) states that revealing your sexual identity in a supportive workplace decreases feelings of anger, depression and improves self esteem.

The research, carried out jointly by the University of Rochester in the USA and the University of Essex in the UK, asked detailed questions to 161 gay, lesbian and bisexual volunteers about their level of ‘outness’, their sense of well being and their perceptions of acceptance.

Many of the findings were not surprising to me at all. Participants tended to be more closed in environments that they perceived as controlling and tended to hide their sexual orientation in religious settings. Most of the individuals had come out to their friends (only 13% had not) and this is where they had the greatest feelings of self worth and belonging.

The health benefits of coming out

Interestingly, those that came out in hostile environments felt about the same level of well being as those that had not come out at all. This was put down to the fact that the negative experiences were diluted by the positive feelings of acceptance from others. This kind of suggests that if you are thinking about coming out then you are going to be no worse off than you would have been had you decided to stay closeted.

Being closeted has been shown to increase the risk of difficult romantic relationships, more anxiety and even increased the chances of suicide.

What should we make of all of this? I completely get that LGB individuals have the “should I or shouldn’t I” question to face every time they enter a new environment. For some this is not an issue. I have worked with lesbian and gay clients from both ends of the spectrum. Some are openly gay and make no bones about it. They have the “I’m gay – deal with it” attitude wherever they go and the research discussed above would suggest that this is the most healthy approach from a well being point of view. I have also worked with LGB clients who would never reveal their sexuality to anyone.

For me it brings to the fore how important our sexual identity is. It is an essential and integral part of who we are. As a “straight” man I have never had to make the decision about whether I tell others about an important part of who I am or not. I do know what it’s like to keep secrets though. Sometimes it feels OK for me and other times I feel that if I could only explain this part of my life then I would make more sense to those around me.

Feeling OK with who you are

The key feature here is that in order to make the decision of whether or not to come out there needs to be a feeling of safety and “OKness”. When that feeling is present then coming out can lead to real benefits for the person concerned. This OK feeling about your sexuality may increase by working with a gay affirmative therapist and challenging some of the homophobic ideas prevalent in society. These are easy to internalise as a child and need to be challenged and exposed for what they are – prejudiced thoughts from ignorant individuals.

What are your experiences of coming out?

What do you think about this issue? If you are lesbian, bisexual or gay have you come out? What are your experiences of coming out, or choosing to stay ‘in’? I would love to hear your opinions and learn more from what you have to say about this important issue. What are your experiences of coming out?

Need help with coming out?  Check out Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers which is a great step-by step guide to coming out and what you may face when going through the process.