Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Ego States, Urges and Me-part 1

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ego states in transactional analysis

I want one and I want one NOW!

The Apple iPhone 4 will be available to buy from the 24th June and I am very excited!  I want to run to the nearest Apple store and get in the Queue already.  I want to hand over my £200 and sign up for that 2 year contract despite the fact that when I look at it, when I really think about it, the iPhone 4 isn’t really much different from the iPhone I own now.  For me it’s the same with the Apple iPad.  I have been down to the store and held one in my hands.  I have caressed its smooth, glassy body.  I have imagined myself sat on my sofa, surfing the web like I’ve never surfed before!  I realise I am what’s referred to distastefully on the internet forums as “An Apple Fan boy”.  There is definitely something about their products that increases my desire to splurge large amounts of my hard earned cash.  What’s going on?

I want to address this question over a series of blog posts.  The subject is too big for one blog post and as I write it, it even seems to have grown too big for two!  So I will split it into three posts that will link together.

Part 1 – urges and ego states

Part 2 – How we can use what we know about ego states to calm our urges

Part 3 – Urge surfing, the ACT approach to urges.

Part 1 – Urges and Ego States

It doesn’t really matter here whether we are talking about an iPhone, iPad, a new car, a new hand bag, clothes or even tasty chocolate biscuits.  There is something in our human make up that allows us to become fixated, all be it temporarily.  Most of the time for most people it’s not a problem provided we stay within the limits of what we can afford, but what can we do to quell these urges when they threaten or physical, emotional or financial health?

What can we do to quell these urges when they threaten or physical, emotional or financial health?

In Transactional Analysis we often look at human personality from the perspective of ego states.  The ego state model is useful because is gives us something to hang our ideas onto.  It’s a model of personality.  At the risk of upsetting many TA therapists, I am going to boil the ego state model down to the simplest level possible (TA aficionados are welcome to post comments, please keep the swearing to a minimum!).

Our thinking, feelings and behaviour can be divided into several parts.  These are known as Parent, Adult and Child ego states.  The normal convention is to capitalise when discussing ego states and use lower case when referring to real parents, adults and childs (I know, it’s not a real word but I kinda like it!).  The ego state model I am writing about is referred to as the functional model – how we use the ego states to relate to others and ourselves.

Our Parent ego state pretty much repeats what we heard from our childhood caretakers.  It is full of information from them about how to view see the world and how to react to it. This information can be Nurturing (NP) or Controlling (CP). There are positive and negative aspects of Controlling and Nurturing Parent.  It’s good to have a Controlling Parent to tell you to stop and check before crossing a road but not so good to hear that Controlling Parent in your head all the time telling you that you are doing things wrong. The Nurturing Parent that allows overindulgence in chocolate (or IPads) can be doing you a disservice, but the Nurturing Parent that tells you or someone else who has been working hard to take a break can be very useful.

Our Adult ego state is able to take in the here and now reality of the situation.  It processes information and regulates most of the things we do.  When we follow instructions or drive a car, our Adult ego state is happily and fruitfully engaged.

Our Child ego state can be compliant and well mannered or rebellious and badly behaved.  In TA terms both of these would be classed as “Adapted Child” (AC) as in both situations we are adapting to the environment around us, either positively or negatively.  The other way the Child ego state functions in is called “Free Child”(FC).  The Free Child likes to run barefoot on a sun drenched beach, play and laugh with those nearby, cry when sad, shout when angry.  The free Child is not restricted by what others think.

There are entire books written about ego states, various models and theories about how they work or even if they exist at all so if it is a subject you are interested in I would recommend more research.  TA today by Stuart and Joines would be a good place to start.

In my next article I am going to explain what may be going on in my ego states when I think of that Apple iPad.  Please comment at the bottom of this article and press all of the other pretty buttons to send it to other social media sites!

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Achieving Emotional Literacy by Claude Steiner

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Category: Psychotherapy.
Target audience: General.  Great for individuals and for couples who want to communicate better.
How challenging is it to read? Straight forward.  No previous knowledge assumed.

Ok, I’ll Admit it from the start of this review, I’m a bit of a Claude Steiner groupie!  If you have had therapy with me, you’ll know I talk about him a great deal.  I think Steiner has some great theories and enjoy his larger than life personality and outspoken ideas.  As you will pick up in this review, I love his emotional literacy stuff and encourage my clients to become emotionally literate because I am sure it brings improvement to relationships and increases feelings of self worth.  I will be blogging about emotional literacy in more detail for sure!

If you’re not sure who Claude Steiner is, he one of the foremost figures in the development of TA.  He trained with and was a good friend of Eric Berne, the founder of TA,  and had a major influence on TA basic concepts, especially the theory of script formation and strokes.

The aim of “Achieving Emotional Literacy” is to teach you to do exactly that!  This is a handbook to teach you to accept your emotions and take responsibility for the impact that your behaviour has on the emotions of others.  After a brief introduction the book splits into three stages.  Stage one is “Opening the heart”; Stage two “Surveying the Emotional Landscape” and Stage three “Taking Responsibility”.  But before I describe what’s in each section I think it’s important to describe what Steiner means by Emotional Literacy.

Steiner puts it thus:

“To be emotionally literate is to be able to handle emotions in a way that improves your personal power and improves the quality of life around you.  Emotional Literacy improves relationships, creates loving possibilities between people, makes cooperative work possible, and facilitates the feeling of community.” Steiner p11

Step one of the book “Opening the Heart”, talks in detail about strokes and the stroke economy.  Strokes are an important concept in TA and are defined as “A unit of recognition”.  That could be through conversation with another, physical contact or even a smile.  Strokes are important to all of us and as a species we seek them out voraciously.  Steiner explains how to give, recieve and reject strokes appropriately.  He emphasises the need for honesty in relationships and discusses how we are all intuitive and will the spot the lies or half truths other people tell us.  When we lie to others it will be picked up on some level and will damage our relationships.  Steiner also explains why self stroking, confronting that negative parental voice that tells us that we are no good, is so important if we want to be happy, healthy individuals.

Step two of the book entitled “Surveying the Emotional Landscape” goes into detail about how to talk about our emotions to others in a safe and caring way whilst also inviting others to meet our needs.  Intuition is discussed in detail and he also relates the best way of talking about the “hunches” we have with others.

Step three, “Taking Responsibility” is mainly about how to give and receive apologies.  Saying sorry is very important when we make mistakes.  It repairs damage and lets the other party know they are valued and respected.  Steiner takes us through the right way and wrong way of doing this.

There then follows brief chapters on using emotional literacy with children, in the work place and a chapter on personal power and how being emotionally literate allows us to be powerful without the need for power plays or violence.

So why do i recommend this book so highly?  It’s because  Emotional Literacy is such an important part of forming relationships with ourselves and others.  When we are in relationships with others it’s key that we are able to explain our wants and needs without being judgmental of them or assuming we know what they want or why they behaved in a certain way towards us.  Steiner explains all of this clearly and gives practical advice on how to achieve this.

I love Steiner’s ideas about the stroke economy, especially as it rings so true.  I can see how the rules of the stroke economy restrict us in the way we may relate to others, and perhaps more importantly, the way we see ourselves.  I’m sure most of us have had experiences where some one we care about can say lots of nice things to us and we barely notice yet the second they say one negative thing it hits home hard.  That’s the stroke economy in action!

It’s not always easy for any of us to truly feel safe enough to show our emotions.  This book takes us through it in stages and encourages us to realise that those that are truly strong are in touch with their emotions and know themselves well.

The bad news is that the book I have reviewed costs £60 new (at the time of writing) if you click my amazon link above.  The good news?  This book: Emotional Literacy: Intelligence with a Heart, is an updated version published in 2003 and retails for around £10.  Want the even better than good news?  Steiner has a great website, and a history of giving away his books for free, so you can actually read this book for nought pence!  So now you have no excuse not to read one of the best books out there on leading a happy balanced life.  Enjoy!

Get Grounded

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manchester psychotherapy grounding techniqueIf you struggle with stress, anxiety or depression getting grounded is a great skill to learn. This is a technique I teach to my clients if I think it would be useful to them.  It’s a way of slowing your mind and bringing it back from the regrets of the past or the uncertainty of the future. The here and now is all we have. The past is history, the future fantasy. So next time your mind is racing follow these instructions:

Find a comfortable place to sit where you won’t be disturbed by others.

Sit upright with your hands on your lap.

Close your eyes.

Concentrate on your feet. What can you feel? Are they warm or cold? Is one foot warmer than the other? Feel the floor pushing on the soles of your feet.

Now slowly move up to your legs. How do they feel? Can you feel the seat pushing back on you? Do you feel any other sensations?

Slowly move up your body repeating the same method. Move from legs to your lower back, then upper back and shoulders. From there move to arms, hands and fingers. Move to your head.

When you reach your head concentrate on the senses. What can you taste? What can you smell? What can you hear?

For each part of your body take a couple of minutes to run through the procedure. Don’t rush, relax.

Finally, slowly open your eyes and allow yourself a few minutes to just be.

Hopefully you find yourself calmer, more relaxed and fully in touch with the here and now.