Manchester Psychotherapy

Counselling in Manchester

Does “Coming Out” Improve LGB Mental Health?

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coming out at workComing out

I read with interest an article on the medical news today website that coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual increases happiness and improves the mental health of the individual concerned.

The report (which you can read here) states that revealing your sexual identity in a supportive workplace decreases feelings of anger, depression and improves self esteem.

The research, carried out jointly by the University of Rochester in the USA and the University of Essex in the UK, asked detailed questions to 161 gay, lesbian and bisexual volunteers about their level of ‘outness’, their sense of well being and their perceptions of acceptance.

Many of the findings were not surprising to me at all. Participants tended to be more closed in environments that they perceived as controlling and tended to hide their sexual orientation in religious settings. Most of the individuals had come out to their friends (only 13% had not) and this is where they had the greatest feelings of self worth and belonging.

The health benefits of coming out

Interestingly, those that came out in hostile environments felt about the same level of well being as those that had not come out at all. This was put down to the fact that the negative experiences were diluted by the positive feelings of acceptance from others. This kind of suggests that if you are thinking about coming out then you are going to be no worse off than you would have been had you decided to stay closeted.

Being closeted has been shown to increase the risk of difficult romantic relationships, more anxiety and even increased the chances of suicide.

What should we make of all of this? I completely get that LGB individuals have the “should I or shouldn’t I” question to face every time they enter a new environment. For some this is not an issue. I have worked with lesbian and gay clients from both ends of the spectrum. Some are openly gay and make no bones about it. They have the “I’m gay – deal with it” attitude wherever they go and the research discussed above would suggest that this is the most healthy approach from a well being point of view. I have also worked with LGB clients who would never reveal their sexuality to anyone.

For me it brings to the fore how important our sexual identity is. It is an essential and integral part of who we are. As a “straight” man I have never had to make the decision about whether I tell others about an important part of who I am or not. I do know what it’s like to keep secrets though. Sometimes it feels OK for me and other times I feel that if I could only explain this part of my life then I would make more sense to those around me.

Feeling OK with who you are

The key feature here is that in order to make the decision of whether or not to come out there needs to be a feeling of safety and “OKness”. When that feeling is present then coming out can lead to real benefits for the person concerned. This OK feeling about your sexuality may increase by working with a gay affirmative therapist and challenging some of the homophobic ideas prevalent in society. These are easy to internalise as a child and need to be challenged and exposed for what they are – prejudiced thoughts from ignorant individuals.

What are your experiences of coming out?

What do you think about this issue? If you are lesbian, bisexual or gay have you come out? What are your experiences of coming out, or choosing to stay ‘in’? I would love to hear your opinions and learn more from what you have to say about this important issue. What are your experiences of coming out?

Need help with coming out?  Check out Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers which is a great step-by step guide to coming out and what you may face when going through the process.

Racket Feelings And Stamp Collecting

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When the tough times hit do you find yourself having the same familiar response? Do you find yourself in the same situations and feeling the same negative feelings? In transactional analysis language, we call these old familiar feelings racket feelings. We can collect up these feelings and cash them in later for a prize. This is called “stamp collecting” in Transactional Analysis after the old loyalty scheme system of being given trading stamps when making a purchase at a shop (think Tesco club card in the 70’s!)

How do we learn our racket feelings?

In most families there are clear guidelines as to which feelings are OK and which are not. These “feeling rules” are spoken out loud by our parents or may be conveyed without a single word being spoken. Some common messages spoken directly to children are “stop crying”, “why are you sad, snap out of it”, “don’t shout in this house”. Messages are sent psychologically when feelings or emotions from a child invoke a negative response from a parent. For example, if Abby is always ignored when she is feeling sad, but given a lot of praise and attention when she is happy she is likely to learn to be happy and avoid sadness. It may be that as an adult in times of sadness she does not know how to access the genuine feeling and either feel something that feels safer and is less likely to get her rejected by her parents (such as anger) or she may decide to feel confused or numb.

Stamp collecting

So we learn as kids to favour certain feelings. As adults we tend to seek out opportunities to feel the same way. These feelings may not feel good but they feel very familiar, like that worn out old pair of smelly slippers that you really should have thrown out six months ago. If we can invite others to play games with us, if we can manipulate them and encourage them to hurt us, we get to re-experience these feelings and collect these feelings up to trade in later. Stamp collecting.

Cashing in your stamps

Are you one of those people that store things up and then let your partner or work colleague have it with both barrels when you can take no more? In TA terms we say you are trading in your stamps. Some people wait a couple of days to do this, others wait years. The aftermath can be anything from an argument with your boss to getting fired in spectacular fashion or bickering with your partner to full blown divorce.

Choose to do things differently

So how can you avoid rackets and collecting stamps? Firstly, it’s worth identifying those things you do or situations you find yourself in that result in the same old familiar negative feelings. Chances are you are indulging yourself in racket feelings and stamp collecting. Once you have identified what these situations are then it’s time to do something different. Make a change, make an Adult decision and behave in such a way as to take yourself out of the situation. The chances are you may well feel scared or anxious when you do this, you are opening yourself up to having genuine feelings. These feelings will not harm you and will pass. Talk to your friends or family about these feelings and if you can’t do that find a good counsellor that can support you through the change.

To avoid the stamp collecting it’s important to talk to those around you about what you are feeling and what you want to happen. If you are feeling fed up with your spouse because they did x,y or z then tell them and tell them what you want to happen instead. If you do this kindly and own your feelings then your partner may be able to help you out with it. If they are unwilling to help you out then at least you know that and can make choices accordingly.

Change takes time

I’m not pretending that this is easy to do and I would emphasize that working with a therapist or counsellor will help the process and allow you to manage your feelings better. I am convinced that we can all change our behaviour and we can choose to move away from the negative patterns we learnt as a child that are no longer appropriate as adults.

Male Therapists in Decline – And Why This Matters

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Male therapist - An endangered species!

A recent newspaper article in the New York Times entitled “Need Therapy, A Good Man Is Hard to Find” confirmed for me what I had already observed informally over the years I have worked as a male therapist in Manchester. Us blokes are rare in this field. Whenever I go to a therapy workshop or have any training I like to carry out a survey of male/female ratios (I’m funny that way!). It usually works out to be somewhere around 30% men. So for every one hundred therapists only 30 of them will be men (by my completely unscientific calculations).

The article from the NY Times has an even smaller amount of men in the therapy field in the USA than this. It states that only 20% of all of the Masters degrees awarded in Psychology in the states are awarded to men. In the states only 10% of the members of the American Counseling Association are men. These figures highlight the seriousness of the situation and wake us up to the feminisation of the mental health professions.

Why Male Therapists Matter

So why does it matter? Who cares if there are so few male therapists around? Well, the answer to that has to be men. Men care. There is something about having access to a male therapist when you are a man that is important (and no doubt the same is true of female therapists for women). As a male therapist it will come as no surprise to anyone that I have a high percentage of male clients. Over the years I have been told by clients that I was chosen as a therapist because it just felt easier to talk about the issue they were bringing to another man, a woman may not “get it” in the same way, or it may have been too embarrassing to talk about to a woman.

Mens issues in therapy

The NY Times article also states that men find it much easier to talk about certain issues with a man. These issues include fatherhood, anger management, affairs and sex. A common topic for male clients over the time I have worked as a therapist has been what it is to be a man. What does that mean in a society where gender roles are increasingly disappearing and empowerment of women is paramount.

I’m not saying for a minute that all men seek a male therapist, many happily work with female therapists and, as argued in the Times article “a good therapist is a good therapist” regardless of their gender.
Some women, too, prefer male therapists. My female clients through the years have either chosen me because they wanted a man, or they just thought I was the therapist for them out of the hundreds listed under counselling in Manchester on Google and my gender was irrelevant.

Counselling is important for men

Men are the least likely of the sexes to go into therapy. This is something I have blogged about before and I very much want to change. Men, especially British men with their “stiff upper lip” approach to life, can be reluctant to seek help when they need it. This is true of physical illness, and even worse for mental illness. This makes access to male therapists for men even more important. If the only way in which a man is willing to seek help is to speak to another man then we have a duty to make sure they have that option.

What do you think? Does the gender of your therapist make a difference to you? Are you a therapist with something to say about this blog post? Please comment under the post below and let me know your views.